my big fat messy life

three years without you...

2012-01-11T23:02:00.001-05:00

dear matthew phillip,

three years ago, i had to say goodbye for as long as i'm on this side of heaven. that was a hard thing to do because i wanted to keep being your mommy here on earth. God had different plans for your life and so i had to accept this and be a mommy who had a son in heaven.

it's not been an easy road these last three years. i look at our christmas card with me holding morgan and daddy holding kennedy and wonder, "which one of us would be holding you?"

i know you probably don't understand my sadness because there in heaven there is no sadness or pain. you have this glorious place to live and when i get there i'll understand. but in the mean time, stuck on this earth, sometimes i just miss that you're not here growing up here and being apart of our family.

i'm not really sure i ever really lived before you came into my life. now that you are gone i feel joy like a blind person seeing light for the first time and i feel heartache like it's going to suffocate me. i try to love people like it's the last day i'm going to see them. i just feel everything so much more than i ever did before.

you gave my life new meaning precious son. for this i will always be so grateful.

i'm proud to be your mama, even if it is from the cheap seats. one day, you will walk me through the splendor and glory of heaven and all of the sadness i ever felt because we were apart, will never be felt again. it's that day that will be a perfect day. it's when my broken heart will be whole again.

i love you so very, very much my beautiful and precious son.
~ your mama

a helluva job

2012-01-08T18:23:00.005-05:00

i just read one of most honest, realistic, and amazing posts on parenting. check it out here.

as I was reading, i thought to myself, “is it ok to have the same feelings as her? i mean, i have buried a child; i should be thankful for every. single. moment. right? i can’t possibly admit that some days my favorite part of the day is when I have the rare moment of both girls sleeping and while sipping on a glass of wine, i peruse facebook while simultaneously planning a figi island vacation that I pretend I will take the next day...or can i?

i can tell you that I am writing this blog post from the comfort of a leather chair at panera bread and my girls are most certainly not with me. i ran out the door as my mom was coming in. in fact the few things she needed to know about their routine today, i texted them to her. after my toddler screamed through eating barely any of her lunch and her 3-month-old sister decided to join in on the screaming game, I had to high-tail it outta there. this is after it took 2.5 hours getting us all ready to go to church for the first time, which went surprisingly well, if you don’t take into consideration how freaked out the guy in the pew next to me was when I had to breastfeed morgan. (under a cover even!)

so yes, I sped out of the house like my pants were on fire. do you know what I mean? well, you only really know what I mean if you have the privilege of being a stay-at-home mom.

don’t get me wrong. I love that we are in a financial position so that I can stay at home. but some days, you just gotta run out the door. a full on…RUN!

since I have been a “single” mom these last 2+ months I have needed those runs even more. thankfully I have the family around that I can get a break every now and again.

does that make me a bad parent? I sure hope not. it’s funny…sometimes when I’m out for a couple of hours sipping a latte and strolling down the aisles of Target not needing anything but picking up everything, even if just to touch it, I start to miss them and want to get home fast! well…not really, but i don’t want you to think i don’t love my kiddos. J

I do love my kids more than anything and truly, the one time i was away from kennedy for 9 days, i did miss her a ton. but the brief 2-3 hour breaks i take to go grocery shopping in peace or plop down with my laptop and just write, i don’t miss them. i realize what I need occasionally is time to myself.

I caught an interview with the obama’s recently and michelle said one of the most essential things that makes their family work is making sure she gets time for herself, first and foremost. my first thought was, “how selfish, you’re a mom!” but as I listened to her and thought about it several times since then, I think she is kind of right. one of the ways she takes time for herself is working out. and I know I need to do that for myself too. during workouts I hate it; but afterwards I always feel so much better.

when I take time to sit in a coffee shop and write, I am very happy. So I know I need to do it as often as possible. When ken was here, he gave me that gift almost every week.

as I reflect on missing my son this week since we celebrated his birthday just a couple of days ago and his angelversary is coming up on the 11^th, i almost feel guilty admitting that parenting is a “helluva job” as glennon from her momastery blog puts it. i AM grateful to be doing it. but right now, I am equally as grateful when it turns 7pm and instead of being outnumbered, I’m 1 on 1. certainly my job when I was working in nyc was the most demanding of my 10+ year corporate career, because of the long hours and fast pace. but parenting my two girls is at least 10 times harder. and i would take this job over the one in downtown manhattan any day.

the rewarding and precious moments though…they are priceless. i mean who couldn’t love a 21-month-old who learns how to take off her diaper and smear poop all over her crib? :)

seriously though, the moment where she lights up opening her 4-foot cardboard cutout of daddy while he is deployed is priceless. the way she cuddles up to him and laughs and giggles as she scoots around on it, warms my heart. and suddenly I forget the smeared poop and the screaming tantrums. right then and there, I realize I have the best job in the world. being her mommy. I’ll take 10 smeared poop episodes to have this one precious moment. i wouldn’t want to miss it!

but don’t think for a second, at the end of the next day, I won’t be counting down the minutes until 7 p.m. occasionally, i might even be guilty of changing the time on the clock when she’s not looking! J

one more thing…please do me a favor. find a single mom or a mom who’s husband is deployed and immediately schedule a time to watch her kids to give her a break. like next weekend! i am sure you can spare a saturday night without your husband and kids to give her the gift of a night off. It will mean more to her than she will ever be able to tell you.

and to the husbands who travel a lot leaving your wife and kids alone A LOT, get on the computer right now, find the best hotel/spa within an hour of your house and book her an overnight away, complete with breakfast in bed served at noon.

i am so thankful for my family who gives me little breaks to have time for myself! If it were not for them, i would probably not survive 2012.

parenting IS a helluva job...and i'm proud to be doing it. :)

turning 3

2012-01-06T21:34:00.000-05:00

happy birthday to our precious son, matthew phillip. we love you so very much and even still, the missing does not get any easier around this time of year. i still remember the day you made me a mommy like it was yesterday. some days i wish i could hang onto that day forever.

i look around the play room watching your two sisters and wish you could be here with them. i know kennedy would especially love playing with her big brother! all of our sadness with not having you here on earth, thankfully, does not end there. we are comforted knowing that one day we will have a sweet reunion with you in heaven. what a glorious day that will be.

you make me so proud sweet baby boy. i love you so very, very much. ~ your mama

it's a.....

2011-10-17T21:23:00.031-04:00

GIRL!!!

Today, Oct 17 at 9:22am God bestowed on our family another sweet miracle! Morgan Faith Schwalbe came into this world screaming loudly, weighing 7lbs 2.6oz and measuring 18 1/2 inches. The c-section delivery was uneventful and all was normal.

We are SO IN LOVE with her! Kennedy is sure to be a wonderful big sister and we know Matthew is watching over her. Thank you for your prayers and support yesterday and for the duration of this pregnancy. They have been such a special gift to us.

Here are some pictures (she looks just like Kennedy did when she was born!)
https://picasaweb.google.com/109171317858095668425/October172011

Love,
Ken, Cortney, big brother Matthew Phillip, big sister, Kennedy Grace and 'Lil Bean, aka Morgan Faith

the 7th inning stretch

2011-10-16T20:52:00.002-04:00

oct 16 ~ the last preggo picture of me and 'lil bean.

so here we are just about an hour or so before i go to bed so i can try and get some sleep before 'lil bean's arrival. i am so thankful we made it; especially through this last week.

as my doctor (who will be one of my surgeons tomorrow), said on friday at my last appointment, "it's a delicate balance giving the baby one more week to achieve developed lungs and monitoring you to make sure your uterus doesn't EXPLODE."

yes, he used the word EXPLODE. my eyes POPPED out of my head when he said this. needless to say i was a little nervous this weekend. "rupture" just seems so much nicer of a world...ya know?

nonetheless, the only One who could, the only One "I AM" held all things together this week and provided His devine protection over me and 'lil bean.

we continue to praise Jesus for this miracle we are about to experience tomorrow morning (at 9am). we give thanks that God was able to give us peace to wait it out another week.

please join us in this 7th inning stretch (i have to interject here -- YAY RANGERS!! -- world series bound!!) of prayer for God's protection, provision and health. YAHWEH is the great I AM! He is the giver of all gifts and tomorrow we believe He will bestow on us, another sweet child, another miracle. as we go in and meet our third precious child, your prayers are the greatest gift we could ask for and receive.

thank you sweet friends and family...you all have been such an incredible gift of love, support and prayer in this 9+ month journey. bless you over and over...

what a difference a day makes

2011-10-11T23:09:00.003-04:00

first let me say, a heartfelt thank you to all of you who have encouraged me with your sweet thoughts and pearls of wisdom, and most of all your coveted prayers these last 24 hours.

truly, i say, what a difference a day makes. this morning ken and i both went to my doctor's appointment and after the routine non-stress test (i've been getting them the last 6 weeks since i have gestational diabetes this time around), the nurse mentioned that my doctor was delivering a patient and would be over shortly. she also told us that my c/s had been rescheduled. i asked if she knew when and with whom and it was like music to my ears.

i will be delivering on monday oct 17th at 9am. no addtional amnio needed! woo-hoo! and my surgeons would be dr. y and dr. z, both of whom dr. x (my previous dr with kennedy who retired) recommended. both the top surgeons in the practice would be there. i couldn't have asked for a better situation. and their schedules were rearranged to make this happen. this made ken and i feel like they were on top of everything and they were giving us the best option available.

later after my routine non-stress test, my doctor who will not be able to deliver me because she will be out of town and dr. y both came in the room to answer any questions we had and to listen to our concerns. there were tears and even moments where someone was speaking a little louder than normal. but it was a very production discussion and i heard exactly what i needed to hear to obtain peace. dr. y told me that he recently consulted twice with dr. x (my previous dr who retired in june) and pressed him on why he recommended a 36-week delivery. he told us dr. x had backed off of the 36 weeks as long as they did not see any other risk factors with a thinning uterine wall via ultraousnd. in fact, dr. y said "i thought i had told you this when you saw me a few weeks ago?"

ummm...no buddy, you didn't. because if you did, we would not be having this conversation right now!!

hearing this immediately put my heart at ease. honestly it was the only thing that drove me to challenge 15+ doctors and specialists for the last 5 months. i hung onto dr. x telling me i needed to deliver at 36 weeks and wondered why everyone was ignoring this. it drove me a little crazy...ok maybe a lot crazy. but if dr. x was willing to back off that recommendation then i was too.

at that very exact moment, i finally gave up control. it took my daughter waking me up at 4am this morning to break my will but after i got her back to sleep, big surprise i couldn't sleep. it was there in the dark of my living room, that God met me and reminded me that ALL of this is in His control. it always has been, even though i've spent a ridiculous amount of time and energy trying to control it.

the only way i can describe the peace i felt at that exact moment was to tell you that it was same feeling of peace two summers ago when i decided to let go of all the anger i had been carrying around about the death of my son. it was a peace that only God could give me. people could pray it for me; but God had to give it.

ken and i are completely at peace with everything that is going to happen in the next 6 days. we are confident in my doctors but most importantly we know God is in control and will be faithful. my friend candace shared this verse with me this morning:

Hebrews 10:23
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. (NIV)

we're holding steady that God will protect me and 'lil bean and that our healthy, sweet child will be delivered safely next monday.

if you would also hold steady with us, i would be most grateful. thank you sweet, sweet friends. you all are so amazing and faithful and i'm so thankful to know we have this network of support around us. each of you are just precious, amazing friends and family! God Bless You!!

not the post i thought i would be writing...

2011-10-10T23:51:00.010-04:00

....ok so, again, it's been FOREVER since i last posted, but alas, i've been tired throughout this pregnancy while chasing my 18 month old. excuses, excuses.

i thought i would be writing about my thoughts of welcoming 'lil bean into the world tomorrow. instead, we will have to wait at least a week.

today i had an amniocentesis for a lung maturity test. the maternal fetal medicine specialist i see absolutely required it since we were planning a delivery for 37weeks+3days. i was completely terrified to get the amnio and with hands shakin' and sweatin' like it was my first kiss, i held onto my hubby's hand and looked away into his eyes while the MFM walked us through the procedure. he said, "bee sting" and i guess that's when the 4-inch needle went in. i hardly felt it. then he said, "some pressure/cramp" and i might have felt a little one, but seriously not much. after like a minute, he said, "all done."

seriously?

i was worked up for nothing. i had to be monitored for 45 minutes afterwards to make sure there were no complications and waa-lah, hubby and i left the office while i patted myself on the back for being so brave and we headed out for a celebration breakfast. he suggested denny's...i got my way with eggcellence, a healthy little cafe serving, you guessed it, eggs. :)

the day was great. i got all of the bathroom drawers and hallway closet cleaned out and sorted. kennedy played with juju and took only 1 nap that lasted 1 hour 45 mins (woo-hoo! we're making progess as we started out with an hour when we transitioned to 1 nap a couple of weeks ago.)

after naptime we all got gussied up and decided to head to the naval academy for a maternity photoshoot. yep, the photographer in me, totally forgot to schedule a maternity shoot at the normal 28-32 week timeframe so i put on all black to attempt to cover up my bloatedness. :) at first glance of the pictures, i'll need to do A LOT of photoshop editing!

when we pulled up to our scenic backdrop for perfect pictures, the phone rang.

it was my OB telling me that i could not deliver as planned. "the baby's lungs are just not developed enough."

what??

i asked what the score was. we needed a surfactant to phospholipid (S/P) ratio of 55mg/g or greater.

33mg/g.

i was in shock.

less than 40; definitely immature, risk of respiratory distress syndrome and other complications. 40-55, intermediate risk; need further testing to see if delivery is possible; 55+; welcome, baby!

33......really? but the ultrasound tech said friday if she was a bettin' woman, she would bet that i would be having the baby tomorrow. we even watched together on the screen as 'lil bean used his/her diaphram and was breathing!

another kicker...my OB told me that the MFM would not consider anything before next monday, oct 17. and even then, the normal procedure with a reading of 33mg/g would be to repeat the amnio (on the 17th) and deliver the next day (18th). however, the MFM was going to write a letter to the hospital explaining that he would not require another amnio and that i could deliver at 38 weeks+3 days on oct 17. this was a relief to me as i have a very emotional reason not to deliver on the 18th. it was the day that our best friend, matt, our son's namesake, was killed.

oh yeah, the kicker....my OB would be out of town starting the 15th and would not be my surgeon for my c-section.

as she was talking, i was half listening because all that kept coming to mind was....

....REALLY GOD??? what the hell??? WHERE are YOU in ALL of THIS???

i asked if i could have 1 of the other 2 surgeons i knew (who were the top ones in the practice) and she said she would have to check. she told me that i would have to be seen in the office tomorrow and Friday; my normal 2x/week monitoring for my non-stress tests (all because i have gestational diabetes). she ended with how sorry she was about our plan being disrupted and then i started once again telling her my fears about going longer than tomorrow.

that's where i need to interject and give you all the back story.

with kennedy, i saw the high-risk doctor in the practice and he made my pregnancy with her seem effortless. i didn't even feel like i was "high risk." he just had a calmness about him. we'll call him dr. x. all the fears we had of going through pregnancy again were put aside because of his character and confidence. by the grace of God, even though i went into labor with kennedy 1 week+1 day before my scheduled c-section, it was dr. x who was on call and delivered (on easter day, no less!). it was him who called ken over to take a picture of the cord knot while kennedy was being cleaned telling us how rare they are (and how dangerous they can be). it was him who while i'm cut wide open said in a calm yet concerned voice to me, "your uterus is very, very thin." i remember asking him what that meant and he said he would be making a repair because it was like "saran wrap."

fast forward to pregnancy with 'lil bean. i booked my first "i'm preggo-let's confirm it" appointment and when asked who i usually saw i told the woman scheduling the appointment i had to see dr. x due to my high-risk history.

"well, he's retiring in june."

WHAT???

i was completely sad but resolved to see him until he flew the coop.

my very FIRST appointment with him when i was 9 weeks pregnant, he told me (and documented in my chart) that i needed to deliver at 36 weeks because of the thin uterine segment and window present at kennedy's delivery. he also said that since he would be retiring i would need to see the MFM specialist occasionally during the pregnancy.

my last appointment with him was around 20 weeks. i asked him who should deliver me and he gave me two names (the top 2 surgeons in the practice). i asked him about a third doctor and he said it was fine for me to see her but that one of those two doctors should do my surgery.

i started seeing the OB i wanted to with plans to somehow have one of the two he recommended deliver me. at the same time i saw the MFM at 20 weeks and it didn't really go that well. he first told me he wouldn't consider anything before 39 weeks.

but the documention...the recommendation....from dr x???

i ran into the objection of delivering at 36 weeks with every. single. doctor, specialist, nurse, dog, and cat around here. i even went to the director of the MFM department at johns hopkins (can you get a more knowledgable opinion from such a stellar hospital?) and the overall consensus was not a day before 37 weeks. (in fact the hopkins MFM said nothing sooner than 39 weeks!)

we pressed every button and challenged every person in every way we could. the bottom line is that no one was listening to the recommendation of the only man who was elbow-deep in my uterus at delivery.

finally i stopped fighting them all and just accepted the 37 week+3 days delivery. i had a scheduled c-section for oct 11 with the doctor who i very much liked and the assistant surgeon, one of the top ones in the practice that dr. x had recommended. i couldn't have planned it better.

and so, that's where we are. now you all know the back story.

when i hung up with my OB today i teared up a little but then said to ken and my mom, ok, let's do the pictures and deal with this later. total, classic, denial.

DENIAL!

we piled out of the car and i'm pretty sure we never got a shot of kennedy ever looking at the camera. we got a lot of her crying and whining though. a perfect maternity session all-around. :) after about 45 minutes i gave up and suggested we drive over to the park.

when we got there, my sister called because she received my text about not delivering as planned. i answered and never should have. she said something that probably shouldn't have upset me the way it did and all of my frustration, anger, sadness, confusion, and fear dumped ALL.OVER.HER.

i'm ashamed to admit that as of writing this post, i've yet to apologize to her.

so by now, you've figured out that i'm a planner. and i can tell you that my type-A-EXTREME- planning-self pretty much wishes this verse was left out of the bible:

"Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.” Proverbs 19:20-21 NIV

my mom had loosely quoted this verse to me earlier when we were both stressing about not delivering tomorrow. in writing this post, i couldn't remember the exact verse so i opened up http://www.biblegateway.com/ to see if i could find the verse by keyword search.

ya'll....FOR REAL...the next thing...REALLY happened!!!

i opened the webpage and FRONT AND CENTER was the verse of the day:

Verse of the Day

“Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise. Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.” Proverbs 19:20-21 NIV

ok God, i've spent the last 7 hours stressing, worrying, panicking, freaking out, etc and you give me this? THIS????

of course!

i've made these plans of exactly how 'lil bean would come into the world. along with my OB, i have made the plans. and although i don't understand all of the reasons right now, i relinquish control. God has the plan. HIS plan has a SPECIFIC purpose. it's just not the plan i thought was best. this plan, with all of it's ambiguity right now, completely scares me.

but if you truly give up and give it over to God, what is left to do or say, except...amen?

a few things have given me comfort tonight:

1) my mom recalling this verse about our plans v. God's plans.
2) God deciding it needed to be the verse of the day on www.biblegateway.com. ummm...yeah, that was pretty cool.
3) my husband pointing out that as much as we like him, maybe, just maybe, dr. x was wrong. we've consulted 20+ doctors/specialists on this and none have agreed with him
4) a friend from high school reminding me on facebook that God has held me in His hands through so much in the last few years and He will continue to hold me this next week too.

please continue to pray for me and my family, but mostly for the health of our sweet 'lil bean.

we put so much stock into dr. x's recommendation because a) he was there, elbow deep, like i said before, and b) he made us feel so confident and secure in our pregnancy with kennedy. if i could just hear him say, "maybe i was wrong about 36 weeks; it's ok to wait a little longer. i don't think your uterus will rupture," i could sleep restfully at night! please pray i don't turn stalker, somehow find his home address, and show up on his doorstep to ask him this. i don't really want to go to jail before i deliver 'lil bean.

obviously i'm kidding about the last part. sort of.

we will never forget!

2011-09-11T21:54:00.002-04:00

today we remember 9/11...ten years later. i can't believe it's been 10 years. i remember exactly where i was that day. i was living and working in chicago and i was running late to work. i took a cab instead of the bus and when i arrived to the office, no one was there. our gym was accessible through internal stairs near my office and finally i heard people talking. i went up to the gym and found everyone standing around the treadmills watching the TVs. then someone told me..."a plane crashed into the world trade center."

with my own eyes, i then watched the 2nd plane hit. before the first tower fell, we were evacuated from our building (only 4 blocks from the Sears tower) and we ran to the parking garage where my boss was parked. along the way, we saw tons of people running north towards the river. as we ran i remember the feeling of panic that came over me. i wasn't sure about having my boss drive me home since i lived in a 20-story apartment building on lake shore drive, but after awhile i decided it was ok to be there. i got home and watched in horror replays of the towers falling and the crashes in PA and the pentagon. i watched the TV the entire day as the story unfolded and news reports flooded in. i spoke to several friends and we all couldn't believe our country had been attacked. the day before 9/11 i had just returned from a trip to dallas to attend a friend's wedding and suddenly i was afraid to fly. it was only a few weeks later i had to go to NYC for work. i remember staying wide awake the whole trip watching everything, when normally i would have snoozed for the early morning flight. i will also never forget the smoldering ash still in the air when we flew over manhattan to land at laguardia.

i worked in nyc from august 2002-august 2003 at 4 world financial center. every single day i walked by the world trade center site. and every single day i walked by it, i felt the vast loss of life and destruction. i was there for the first 9/11 memorial and i will never forget the tears my coworkes choked back when faced with memories from that day.

9/11 changed everything in this country. fear replaced comfortable. anger replaced contentment. but heroes joined the ranks of our military to rid the world of tyranny and terrorism and thousands have proudly served and sacrificed since. i think about the many lives that have been lost in this war. in particular our friend matt who died in a training exercise when his jet collided with another over the pacific ocean. if that accident had not happened, matt would have deployed to the war zone just a few months later. i am humbled the men and women of the armed services willingly go into harm's way to carve out a path of freedom for me, my children, and this country. because they serve, we stay safe.

in just about 7 weeks my husband will join the ranks of those who are serving and have served in operation enduring freedom for a 1-year deployment to afghanistan. we will miss him terribly but we are proud he has an opportunity to serve his country in this capacity. 10 years later this war is still going on and many people have an opinion about that. i will not interject my thoughts on the subject and debate it here. my husband has been called to serve and he will do so with honor, commitment and sacrifice. for that, we are proud.

may all those heroes of 9/11 always be remembered. WE WILL NEVER FORGET! i am grateful to all of those who have served in military and civil service since. may God bless you here on earth and those angels now in heaven.

visiting...and being visited

2011-08-11T22:06:00.000-04:00

today i had one of those days. and i mean it was a helluva morning. by 10:30 i was ready to crawl back into bed and start over.

i won't go on and on about all of the things that went wrong or not exactly my way (at least right now; maybe another post a little later)...but instead i thought i would share some fun pics. two weeks ago, kennedy and i went to raleigh, picked up joni, jack and liam and headed down to south carolina to visit angie, ben, andy and m.e. so fun to have a mini reunion. :)

a few days later my dad and step mom came to visit and we had a great time! grandpa was pretty taken with the sweet girl, and as he pulled away after a week of playing, she cried and cried. i think she's looking forward to more play time when we move there in 3 months.

enjoy!

the cutest (nose picker) i know

2011-07-22T20:08:00.006-04:00

first i wanted to say thank you to all of you who wrote me a FB message, email or made a comment on my last post. it's very comforting to know you all are praying for me and my family. the encouragement about my writing continues to amaze me. thank you so much for your kinds words.

onto cuter, and less serious things...

so i thought i'd give a little kennedy update because it seems she has changed by leaps and bounds in the last 2 months, since i last wrote.

first of all she is now walking. and fast. me and 'lil bean have a hard time keeping up. she took her first steps around 13 months but by 14 1/2 months she's all walking, no crawling. just this week, she sprouted her 5th tooth. that's 3 on top and 2 on bottom. she was still eating a little baby food up until 14 months but now she wants only real food. her favorite veggies are fresh from our garden this summer: cherry tomatoes, baked yellow squash, and sweet peas. she hasn't met a fruit she does not like but she goes crazy for blueberries. almost every breakfast is cream of wheat, yogurt and blueberries, unless it's the weekend and we have pancakes, turkey bacon or eggs. her favorite proteins are black beans, turkey and chicken. her newest favorite food is almond butter on a english muffin and she loves it even though it makes for one messy baby.

we dropped her last bottle at 14 months and she drinks either milk or a 3/4 water+1/4 juice mix out of sippy cup but she loves to drink out of a regular cup and spill it all down her shirt. she doesn't drink a lot of milk during the day but loves cheese and yogurt.

about 2 months ago when i took her to one of my doctor's appointments and she freaked out, i decided i needed to find an option where she wouldn't have to go to my weekly appointments. she now goes to the child development center on base 2x/week for a few hours each day. this gives me a chance to take care of my appointments and grocery shopping, etc. she loves playing with the other kids at "school." i've also seen a change in kennedy when it comes to other people; she is more social and is not always so clingy to momma.

as far as talking, she isn't really saying any words except hi and uh-oh. she says momma and dadda but i'm not sure it's always in recognition of us. she is supposed to have 10 words by 18 months so we're working on that. she still takes a pacifier but we're trying to limit that to only nap and bed time so we're not impeding her speech development. speaking of naps, i've tried to transition to just 1 but she's not ready. she takes about an hour morning nap and another 1-1 1/2 hours in the afternoon. in the last month or so she's really been sleeping in! she still goes down between 6:30-7pm but lately hasn't been waking until between 8-9am!

her favorite game to play is still peek-a-boo and she likes to be chased. in the last couple of weeks she's been climbing on everything! she can pull herself up on the couch but she doesn't always want to sit first before getting down. this summer she really started loving swimming which is great because momma loves going to the neighborhood pool. her little baby pool or a sprinkler will also do the trick.

even though we explain to her she's going to be a big sister she doesn't get it. she knows what a baby is because i'll say baby and she'll go get her baby doll. i lift up my shirt and show her my belly and say baby. she laughs, pats it, and usually gives it big open mouth kisses. i thought this was sweet and that maybe she was getting it, but then one day she lifted up ken's shirt and did the same thing. :) i'm pretty sure his belly isn't as big as mine so i don't know why she's doing the same thing. LOL! love you honey!

her latest little trick is this...and honestly i don't know where she gets it. i'm trying to ignore this seriously, gross, unlady-like behavior!! (sorry baby girl, momma did post this picture of you! oh, the horror!) you are such a blessing to us...we love you so much!!

M. I. A.

2011-07-20T22:12:00.003-04:00

yep, that's me. the missing-in-action blogger. i just rolled over to 2 months of not one. single. entry.

i was completely aware i had not been doing any kind of writing; blogging, journaling or working on my book; but i was unwilling to admit why.

until yesterday when i was in my counseling session.

i.really.miss.my.son.

i didn't want to get on here and write and write about how much i missed him because i thought 'it's been 2.5 years already...no one wants me to go on and on and dwell on how much i miss my son.'

i've had more encounters with strangers in the last few months than i can count. they've gone a little something like this:
"wow, when are you due? they are going to be close in age. you're going to have your hands full!"

i wanted to respond with an annoying glare and say "well, i should have 3 kids, age 2 and under. now that would be 'hands full!'" and walk away. thankfully with each and every encounter, i maintained composure and grace, smiled, and said something like, "yes, i know, it will be great!"

before matthew, i dealt with grief linearily. i did not have a lot of experience with grief prior to losing my son but with the losses i had in my life; parents divorce, grandparents' deaths, cousin's death, and my best friend matt's death, i grieved, shelved it, and moved on. the hardest one for me that lingered for a bit was matt's death but after some time, i accepted and moved forward. but i didn't have days where i would cry and cry. i never felt like the grief was lingering. my measurement of how i was doing with said grief event was weather i had "gotten over it."

please don't think i'm cold and insensitive. each of these losses hurt me deeply. but when bad things happened, i had a pattern of grieving and...then moving on. i didn't allow myself to revisit the sadness. i just got on with it.

after losing matthew i came to understand through counseling that the grief process was meant to be lived in stages. although i am now in the acceptance stage 2.5 years later, i've had to get used to the fact that matthew's death is one that i will never completely get over. and that's ok.

now when life becomes stressful or hard, the grief of losing matthew may attach itself and hurt some. it's just a fact.

we have many changes coming up in the next few months and these things do not come without stress. we'll be having our 3rd child, sending my husband off to war in afghanistan, and moving to arkansas all within a month's time. and all the prepping that comes with that, finding a renter for our home, packing, etc. is just icing on the cake.

i would appreciate your prayers for my family during the coming months. the community of people who read this blog have always been so wonderful to me and my family and i feel very comfortable in asking you all to pray for us.

i know God will provide for all of our needs and He doesn't want us to stress. it's tough to die to myself and trust the One who can handle all the details. but i know, He can.

now that i've come clean on the reasons behind my m.i.a. status, i'll try and get on here more often when i'm not chasing a 15-month-old or napping from chasing said child. and while i would love to continue with project 365, i just don't think i will be able to keep up daily. certainly i will write about the things i am thankful for in my life because i do feel like it changed my perspective on life. and i'll need to share a cute picture or two of my growing-too-fast 15-month-old that amazes me each day! and yet, sometimes i'll just need to get on here and share. sometimes i'll just need to write about how much i miss my son. i hope that's ok.

thank you dear friends for all of your prayers and encouragement!
xoxo

project 365 - day 138

2011-05-18T21:17:00.000-04:00

today i am thankful for my best friend joni.

happy birthday beautiful lady!!

(i stole this recent picture of her and her boys from her facebook.)

joni has been such a faithful and loyal friend to me. we met in college and really got close at the end. she once saved my life while backpacking the grand canyon (another story, another time), and i believe she saved it once again when we lost matthew. she has a heart for God, her family, friends, her patients, and most everyone she meets. literally, this girl will give you the shirt off her back. she is generous, kind, fun, and the kind of girl you love to call your friend. we've been through amazing wonderful moments, and heartbreaking sad ones. through it all, she has been there for me every step of the way. and the icing on the cake is that her husband is best friends with mine so i know we're friends for life. even when we're in our 80s with grey hair, no teeth, and fading memories. ;-)

sweet friend, i hope you have a beautiful day with your amazing family. i love you!

project 365 - day 134

2011-05-14T18:44:00.003-04:00

march for babies walk

the purple beads

this morning we walked with 4 other families in our 2nd march for babies walk in memory of our precious son, matthew phillip. we were so humbled to have our team of 19 strong honor our son in this special way.

i went over to the family tent to change kennedy's diaper before the race and a volunteer recognized me from last year because we hung out the whole walk, since my doctor wouldn't let me participate 3 weeks post c-section. she introduced me to another volunteer and told him how she met me last year when kennedy was just 3 weeks old. he presumed we were walking because of her and went to go get some purple beads, which signifies a nicu baby born too soon, but one who had survived. when he was bringing them back to me, ann said, "oh no, cortney needs the white ones for her team. they're walking in memory of their son matthew phillip and pointed to my t-shirt bearing the words, 'team matthew phillip'." she asked me how many i needed and i said 19. tears were on the brink of filling up my eyes and i didn't want the guy to feel bad because he got the purple beads. i told them i had to run meet my team so he wouldn't see me cry and quickly said my goodbyes.

i started walking back and i just let the tears fall. i told God i wasn't happy about wearing the white beads.

i just want the purple ones. i want him back.

i pulled it together enough to rejoin the group, but more tears fell while a family got up on stage and introduced their daughter who had spent 3 months in the nicu.

i don't want to be here walking...i just want one more day with him.

i was so honored to have our friends come out on a rainy day and walk for matthew. i just wished we were all getting together for breakfast or something...not doing this.

my doctor wasn't a big fan of me walking the whole 4 miles so i bid them farewell at the start of the walk and met up with them for the last mile. by the end of the walk, i felt peace, and healing took over where my anger and sadness once were.

God's in the business of peace, healing, and restoration...we just have to be honest with where we are and ask Him to meet us right there.

a huge thank you to the lindoerfer's, peace's, donaghey's and wainwright's for getting up early, battling the rain, and walking with us today. we love you all and were so honored to have you join us! also, a big thanks to everyone who donated to our team ~ we surpassed our goal and raised $2,110. i was especially grateful for emily and brady getting $5 each from their piggy banks and giving it to me this morning.

it melted my heart.

project 365 - day 132

2011-05-12T21:03:00.034-04:00

colossians 1:10-11
live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, ¹¹ being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience.

i am thankful for the people in my life who encourage me in the above verse. have you ever thought about how exactly you live a worthy life and how you please God? the answer is fairly simple, but i think it's quite difficult to execute. Jesus asks us to love Him and love others above all else. we love Him by growing in our knowledge of Him. what better tool do we have than the bible?

we love others by serving others. i believe this is how we bear fruit in our works. it's not the works that get us to heaven, for it is by grace we have been saved (ephesians 2:8). however the work God calls us to do is to love others and when we do this, we bear fruit.

sometimes i am having such a "me" day, i have to stop, reflect and start over. sometimes the only evidence of me bearing fruit is a lone berry...but i have to start somewhere and ask God for His guidance and power, knowing He is capable, not me, of making my plant bear a full harvest.

project 365 - day 131

2011-05-11T18:06:00.005-04:00

happy birthday 'lil bro!!

today i am thankful for my baby brother on his ___th birthday. let's just say he'll be enjoying his last year of his 20s this coming year! ;-) this is a picture of douglas, with his wife candice and they are expecting baby demi pagie in july! wooo-hooo!! doug, i love you very much!!

happy birthday!

project 365 - day 130

2011-05-10T20:13:00.004-04:00

sunday was mother's day and we had a beautiful day together. i slept in and kennedy and ken made pancakes and woke me up when they were ready. then we went to church and had a nice lunch downtown. both kennedy and i needed a nap afterwards but when we woke we headed to the park for some swingin' and slidin'. it was a fantastic day! i didn't have to change one single diaper or cook anything. i also got a half day at a spa to include a pregnancy massage, facial and pedi from ken. score!

i don't want to pretend that mother's day isn't a hard day for me because it is. but this year, i had it all out 2 days before. friday night i was really emotional and couldn't really pinpoint the reason. then i realized it was mother's day weekend and i had to face another holiday where i would be reminded that i am a mother of 2 with one on the way, but the only child i have living here on earth is kennedy. for any mother who has lost a child, it is a bittersweet day. your heart longs for a completed family but you know that isn't possible until you get to heaven.

on friday i realized i was taking it out on ken when i told him he was working too much on the boat and not spending enough time with us. i even went as far as telling him i hated the boat and asked him how much insurance money we'd get if i blew it up. i was only half joking. while crying i also told him about something that really hurt my feelings involving matthew. as i started talking, i just lost it. my husband was patient and caring enough to know i was just having a moment, that he needed to just listen and not fix it, and that i wasn't really going to go blow up the boat!

sometimes i just miss my son. nothing will change that and nothing will make it better. i just have to take a moment, and i can assure you, no matter how emotional or irrational i might get, i won't be blowing up any boats. by sunday i was ready to have a good day...i didn't want it to be sad at all. then we got to church and they read a pslams that had been very difficult for me after losing matthew. it was psalms 13 where david cries out, "Lord, how long will you forget me? he pleads, "give light to my eyes or i will sleep in death." tears just filled my eyes and i let them spill over. i said something to God along the lines of "are you kidding me...i want to have a good day, not a sad one!" i whispered to ken about why i was crying and he grabbed my hand. by the end of the service i was determined to have a beautiful day...and i did.

i think what i learned is that no matter what i plan, there may be a moment or two i can't control things. what i feel i have to feel. and that's ok with me. God has created me to be the person i am and it's someone who can't really suppress feelings and fake it. i'm good with that.

here are a few pictures of my beautiful kids...

matthew phillip

kennedy grace

lil' bean

project 365 - day 123

2011-05-03T22:19:00.001-04:00

two nights ago ken came and got me out of bed (although i wasn't quite asleep) and he said, "bin laden is dead!" i quickly got out of bed and joined ken on the couch glued to the t.v. watching the news. after almost 10 years of hunting the top terrorist of the world, they got him.

today i am thankful for all of our military personnel, especially the special operations personnel like seal team 6 who put their lives on the line every single day they serve. thank you for being willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for my freedom. i want to extend heartfelt gratitude to those who have served, past and present, and especially those who have given their lives so that we can live the lives we are accustomed to day in and day out. to the wives and families of these men, thank you for your service and support of your husbands so that they can go out and execute these difficult missions. your sacrifice is much greater than one i will ever know.

my prayers and thoughts continue to be with all of our military men and women as they honorably serve our country fighting this war on terrorism. may God bless you and protect you. thank you for every day you serve and every sacrifice you make. your work does not go unnoticed by this grateful nation.

project 365 - day 102

2011-04-12T21:03:00.128-04:00

today i had a scare with my pregnancy when i started bleeding and cramping. i texted ken at work and asked him to come home right away while i waited to hear from the doctor. i sat on the couch trying to watch kennedy play while thinking the worst-case scenario was happening. i was terrified i was losing the baby.

i heard back from the nurse and they wanted me to come in right away. as i was pulling out of the driveway, ken pulled up and we headed to the doctor's office. as soon as i arrived, they whisked me back to the sonographer while ken and kennedy parked the car. i laid down on the table and started crying. i told the sonographer i couldn't lose this baby too and she gave me a hug and tried to console me. she didn't know the story of matthew since she wasn't my doctor, but i briefly told her about him. she had genuine sympathy in her words and actions and i was comforted by her kindness. the midwife joined us in the room and the sonographer began the ultrasound.

i looked on the screen and saw the fast unmistakable movement and said "the heartbeat..." as tears rolled down my face. i couldn't get any more words out for several minutes. the sonographer moved the probe all around and couldn't find any source for the bleeding which she said was a good sign. the midwife explained that some people just bleed during pregnancy but it was good that i came in to get checked out. i explained i had bleeding with kennedy twice and matthew 4-5 times, one of which was a small placenta separation. this time it was more blood than i had had previously, accompanied by cramping so i thought i was having a miscarriage. finally the midwife went to get ken and kennedy and we showed them the baby on the screen. 'lil bean was moving all around and measured at 11 weeks. it was a moment full of joy that gave us hope. and a moment full of relief that dissipated our worst fears. i left the doctor's office with orders to be on bedrest (as much as i could) for a few days.

as soon as we got home a dear friend who was back in town for a few days came over for lunch. during lunch kennedy started acting fussy and when i checked her temperature it was 102.8. i called the doctor and got her an appointment later that afternoon. we saw a nurse practitioner who we had never seen before and she said it was a virus. we went home and kennedy finally took a nap.

ken worked from home the rest of the day so i also laid down and took a nap. before i fell asleep i had a real honest conversation with God. i cried tears of frustration to Him and asked why pregnancy had to be so hard. i felt like i just laid there with no answer and i cried more tears. but then i had an overwhemling realization the lives i've carried and the one that grows inside me now are truly miracles. i stopped feeling sorry for myself and being afraid and angry about pregnancy being difficult for me, and just thanked Jesus for the miracles i have experienced, and the one i am currently apart of.

i am so thankful that everything was ok today. actually, thankful doesn't begin to describe it.

i asked God to help me trust that this life growing inside me will be a baby we can bring home in the fall. i think this is a prayer i prayed almost every day i was pregnant with kennedy. it's a prayer i still continue to pray now...will you pray it with me?

project 365 - day 100 (!!!!)

2011-04-10T17:49:00.031-04:00

well, it's official, i am way slacking in keeping up with my project 365. i'm fearlessly (ok, well, maybe not fearlessly) trying to catch up...so please bear with me.

but we're here at day 100...and i can officially tell you why i'm been a blog slacker.

i've been...

SICK

and

TIRED

and in need of

NAPS!

all because i'm...

we're excited to meet baby schwalbe #3 on oct. 7! and we're very glad ken will be here for the birth. but we are bummed he will have to leave for a 1-year deployment to afghanistan only a few days later. :(

please pray for this baby and pregnancy, as it is always a bit nerve racking for us. because of my thin uterus when i delivered kennedy, the doctor is delivering me 4 weeks early at 36 weeks. this baby will be considered a preemie by 1 week (37 is full term), so please pray for the baby's development and that he/she would not have to spend any time in the NICU.

today, on this 100th day of project 365, i'm so thankful God has granted another life to grow inside of me and we can't wait to meet him/her. (btw, we're not finding out!) God's blessings continue to move me.

thanks so much for your prayers sweet friends! i know i can count on them because all of you are so faithful. love you all!

project 365 - day 94

2011-04-04T19:44:00.048-04:00

happy 1st birthday to my sweet baby girl, kennedy!

you have brought so much joy to our lives precious daughter. you make me, daddy and your angel big brother matthew so proud. watching you grow over this past year has been such an amazing experience. i only wish time would slow down. i can't believe you're already ONE!

it seems like yesterday daddy was telling me that you were a girl and you were beautiful and healthy. i still remember when i first heard you cry and all the anxiety i had was replaced by tears of joy. my heart lept at that very moment and has been ever since.

you're not quite walking yet but you are crawling all over and cruising along everything. you have just started to let go and balance yourself for a few seconds but then you sit down. daddy and i got you a push walker for your birthday and we're hoping you will like it better soon (you cried when we first put you behind it!) you have 3 bottles of milk a day (we just switched to whole milk), and 3 meals a day and 1-2 snacks. each meal you still have baby food because you only have 2 teeth that just came in last week, but you do like solid foods. your favorites are bananas, strawberries, mandarin oranges, pears, blueberries, advocado, black beans, turkey, crackers, rice cakes, and yogurt.

you love playing and your favorite toys are your baby doll, xylophone, piano, books, play kitchen, and sophie the teething giraffe. you love to laugh and you still do your hissing face which cracks us up. if music is playing you like to dance. if i say, "bounce, bounce, bounce" you start dancing too! you like to go for walks in the stroller and playing with other kids. you're still a little shy when it comes to new people or seeing someone you haven't seen in awhile but you warm up as long as i stay in the room with you! you are a great night sleeper from 6:30pm to 7 or 7:30am. you take 2 naps for about an hour each, around 9:30am and 1:30pm. you love mommy but certainly when daddy comes home, you can't wait to spend time with him. you love getting lots of hugs and kisses and LOVE to be tickled!

we love you so much baby girl. thank you for giving us the amazing gift of joy! while God gave us a heavenly angel for our first-born, he gave us an earthly angel in you.

project 365 - day 92

2011-04-02T19:31:00.014-04:00

today i am thankful for all the friends and family who came out to celebrate Kennedy turning

ONE!

we had a bee-themed party and daddy made his homemade pizzas in our outdoor brick oven for everyone. my friend laura made some favors for us and my friend candace helped prepare decorations. i made all the cakes and candies and it was quite an undertaking (but worth it!) aunt candace sent her the cutest little bee-day outfit. we had such a great time!! thanks to all of our friends and family who came over to help us celebrate, especially those who traveled to be here ~ juju who flew in and the danjczek's who drove in from raleigh. below are a few photos...enjoy!

project 365 - day 88

2011-03-29T20:40:00.001-04:00

i can't believe in less than a week, my little girl will be 1! ONE! where does the time go??

it seems like just yesterday she arrived...

and now at almost one, this little girl's smile just melts my heart!

i am so thankful to be celebrating 1 year with sweet kennedy grace in just under a week! she is such a blessing to us! we love you so much!

project 365 - day 87

2011-03-28T20:29:00.010-04:00

"Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10)

i am thankful for those (rare) quiet times in my life where i can just be quiet and still, and not have to do anything. today i had about 30 mins of this time during kennedy's nap. usually i'm busy trying to get stuff done while she naps but today i just laid down and was alone with my thoughts. i usually use "quiet time" to read my bible or pray, but today i just let my brain rest. i'm thankful for these quiet times to slow down and really get to know myself.

project 365 - day 86

2011-03-27T21:17:00.000-04:00

so i am pretty hooked on this show. so far i have cried during every episode. tonight's millionaire said something really profound. john ferber talked about how much giving the money away, actually changed him and gave him perspective on what is important in life.

i think this show is doing a lot of good. certainly the charities benefiting from the financial gifts of the millionaires are able to help more people, but i think it is having unintended results as well. each millionaire has gone home saying something similar to what john said tonight. they have left changed.

what these millionaires are doing reminds me of what Jesus says about how we are to treat those who have less than us:

matthew 25:34-40
34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ 37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ 40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

maybe you don't have thousands of dollars to hand out to those in need, but you probably have a few extra dollars and time to volunteer, right? i am thankful for those in this world who set the example of generosity for all of us to follow.

project 365 - day 85

2011-03-26T19:17:00.006-04:00

date night!

i have to admit, all afternoon i was counting down the minutes until 5pm when the babysitter arrived and ken and i left for our date night. we haven't been out in 3 months (yikes!) and we really needed a night out. we love to go to dinner and a movie so that's what we planned. we tried out a restaurant i had been wanting to go to and we indulged in a basket of tater tots with cheese, bacon, chives and ranch dressing for an appetizer. yes, it was unhealthy, but dang, it was GOOD! :)

afterwards we went to go see the king's speech and we really enjoyed it. a great movie about friendship and overcoming the impossible. and if the tater tot calories weren't enough, i had a double scoop of vanilla with fresh strawberries after the movie. double yum.

it's so fun to spend time by ourselves. we're certainly going to be more intentional about going on 1-2 date nights a month for the next 6 months before ken leaves for afghanistan. now if i could just find a great but less popular babysitter...ours is booked a lot!

project 365 - day 84

2011-03-25T19:14:00.006-04:00

today i am so thankful for my friend candace who brought us dinner. :) what a kind friend she is! i have been under the weather and not feeling up to cooking that much, so ken has had to be the chef. he was also thankful for a night off!

thank you candace, your kind and amazing heart is so generous. we love you guys!

project 365 - day 83

2011-03-24T18:44:00.020-04:00

i'm not really one to tell people how to do something, but with this subject matter, i feel pretty strongly. when you lose a child, i have no idea how you're supposed to get through this alone. however, i do know with the help of a counselor i have been able to come to terms with our loss and accept it. i'm pretty sure i wouldn't have come to this place just talking to ken or family members or friends.

truth is, a counselor is there to listen and if we want, we can really just dump everything on them. they're paid to do this. and the really good ones, will help you identify why you feel certain things and how to deal with those feelings. i have been truly blessed to be in counseling now for 21 months but i am now coming to a place where both my counselor and i feel like my time is coming to an end. i saw my first counselor for about 10 months but because she was a captain in the navy reserves, she was called to active duty in afghanistan. i was nervous to change counselors but she, too, is wonderful.

i can honestly say i believe anyone who has lost a child needs to see a counselor. i think a professional is the best person to help you deal with what you're feeling. i am thankful for the counselors i have had in my life, to help me release my anger, come to a place of acceptance, and move forward in life looking for opportunities and joy God has planned for my life.

project 365 - day 82

2011-03-23T22:01:00.001-04:00

sometimes, when i go long periods on here without mentioning my son matthew, i think people may think i have forgotten him. let me assure you; nothing could be further from the truth.

if it wasn't for matthew, i wouldn't still be writing this blog. i wouldn't be looking for ways to really live, to find something to be thankful for each day.

angie smith said that while she is thankful for the opportunities God has given her through speaking and writing since she lost her daughter, she would trade it all to just have audrey back.

i feel exactly the same. no i'm not a speaker (and i hope i never am!), and i'm not quite a published writer yet (although i hope to be someday!), but i have been given a platform to help others through this blog and networking with other baby-loss mommas. but not a day goes by i wouldn't trade it all to just have matthew back in my arms.

every time i see a boy who is just over 2, i ache for my boy. i am sad that kennedy will grow up without her big brother. not a day goes by that i don't think about him and see his sweet face in my dreams.

i don't know why i needed to write this post but i just wanted to make sure you all knew, matthew is behind every single thing i do. everything. his sweet short 5-day life on this earth mattered so much to me and his papa...and countless others. lives were changed because of him. and i hope they continue to be.

today i am thankful for my precious son...not a day goes by that i don't think about you sweet boy. you are my everything. my every reason. God has given life through your life. i love you so much!

project 365 - day 81

2011-03-22T21:58:00.000-04:00

so what is it that you crave when your sick?

chicken soup is always good for the sick soul. but when i'm sick, i can't seem to get enough fruit in my body. maybe it's my way of trying to get better faster by loading up on vitamin c. i've loaded up on bananas, applies, blueberries, strawberries, and grapes the past few days. today i'm thankful for something as simple as fruit. because hopefully it will get rid of my cough and have me feeling 100% soon!

if this fails, there's always hot chocolate like i had last night. :)

project 365 - day 80

2011-03-21T21:29:00.008-04:00

now kennedy has given me her cold so i am thankful for a husband who didn't mind getting up with kennedy a couple of times last night and who didn't bat an eyelash when he came home today and i was curled up on the couch without even a thought of dinner. ken quickly jumped in taking care of kennedy, getting her ready for bed and cooking a meal for us.

did i tell you i have the best husband ever? i love you sweetheart. i'm so thankful for all of your help around the house when i don't feel good, even after your own long day at work. you are simply...the BEST!

project 365 - day 79

2011-03-20T21:14:00.015-04:00

today was a good day with our small group and a rare lunch out. :) then we got to catch up with our midshipman will who we kind of adopted this past fall. i'm thankful for the joy he brings to our lives.

it's fun to have a 21-year-old guy who has his whole life ahead of him around sometimes. his perspective is fresh and pure. i know ken really enjoys "shop talk" about the naval academy and telling will battle stories of "well, when i was a midshipman, we didn't have cell phones or cars and i had to ride a horse out to town." :) i am thankful for a fun day, despite kennedy's cold still hanging around.

project 365 - day 78

2011-03-19T19:49:00.038-04:00

so today it got cold again and since hubby had the babe most of the day, i took some time to catch up on a few shows. one of those was a previously recorded oprah from the fall. oprah teamed up with michelle obama and tom brokaw to do a show on supporting the troops and their sacrifices, as well as what the public can do to show our support.

i mean how hard is it to volunteer at a hospital helping soldiers recover or make a meal for a family whose loved one is deployed?

it really got me thinking about all the sacrifices the troops have made and continue to make for us. i've had it easy compared to other military families and have only had to endure two 6-month deployments. and both times, ken was not deployed in a combat zone. the community in which ken serves is so incredibly family friendly because there are very few deployments. i often say if ken had stayed in aviation, we would not be married. my heart goes out to all the wives who have to keep it together for mulitple deployments over the course of their husband's career. i'm so thankful for these military personnel and their families and all of the sacrifices they make.

in just 6 months i'll know what this feels like first-hand. ken will be leaving for afghanistan in october for one year. yes, an entire year. ughh. i know it's going to be hard and i plan on moving to nw arkansas to be close to my family for support. i think what i'll be most sad about is ken missing so much of kennedy's life. but i'm thankful my husband wants to serve his country in this capactiy and i look forward to see how God will bless our lives during this time.

thank you to all of the soliders, sailors, and marines who so faithfully serve our country! you all are always in my prayers.

project 365 - day 77

2011-03-18T19:48:00.000-04:00

so today is was 77 degrees and it was heavenly. wow, spring, you're almost here! i am thankful for this beautiful, beautiful day. does my heart good to get some sunshine on my face. :)

project 365 - day 76

2011-03-17T15:50:00.004-04:00

i am thankful for my irish heritage and celebrating st. patrick's day.

unfortunately i didn't get to celebrate with a green beer or margarita because i was in bed or lying on the couch for most of the day. kennedy came down with a cold in the middle of her teething and passed it on to me. her coughing and crying got so bad i made a dr's appointment for her. today i am thankful my husband could come home early from work to help care for kennedy and take her to the doctor. she has a virus; thank goodness it wasn't an ear infection.

i hope everyone else had a happy st. patrick's day! i've celebrated st. paddy's day in dallas, austin, l.a., new york, chicago, and greece. by far, i think chicago does it right! dying the river green? can't get much better than that. :)

project 365 - day 75

2011-03-16T15:48:00.002-04:00

alas, my little girl is getting teeth. her bottom 2 ones are beginning to poke through! she doesn't seem to be her same chipper self but i'm anxious for her to get some teeth! i can't seem to get a picture of them, but as soon as i do, i'll post one. i'm thankful my little girl isn't going to have to wear dentures. at 11.5 months, we were wondering. :) LOL! hopefully soon she'll like more real foods!

project 365 - day 74

2011-03-15T22:28:00.000-04:00

i hope all of you have a sweet husband like mine who doesn't mind jumping in to help. today i am thankful for ken cooking dinner (tacos) while i ran out to the grocery store. he also took care of my second least favorite chores of all time...emptying the dishwasher. i don't really know why i hate doing this ~ maybe it was those daily chore lists mom left us in the summertime: 1) empty d.w. 2) vacuum l.r. 3) fold laundry. and to this day, i don't really care for doing any of these household tasks.

thanks hubby...you are such a great help to me. i love you very much!

p.s. check back over the next week. as you can see i missed 9 days of entries over the last week since i was out of town so i will be back-dating posts to catch up.

project 365 - day 64

2011-03-05T22:57:00.001-05:00

thankful for my uncle paul

back row: paul, tommy (dad), doug

front row: almedda (stepmom), me, ashley

picture taken in april 2008

today we buried my uncle paul, my dad's brother, in hendersonville, tn, next to his son, chad, and 20 feet from johnny & june cash. the weather matched our hearts and moods...rain, rain, rain. when it would let up to just a sprinkle, a big downpour would come and mini-lakes would form all around us.

this is the first funeral i've been to since matthew died and honestly i was nervous. i was afraid i would inappropriately or unexpectedly breakdown in a pool of tears. i prayed the day before and the day of, especially for my aunt, cousin, and my dad, and then i prayed for myself. i wanted to grieve my uncle and celebrate his life without letting the emotions of attending a funeral overcome me. i was only able to stay in the main sanctuary of the service for about 3 mins before kennedy started talking so loud that i got multiple looks that said "hit the road." thankfully the chapel had a back foyer separated by a half-wall to the main sanctuary and i was able to see and hear the entire funeral while kennedy played on the floor.

the service was beautiful. God really met me in that moment and even though i did listen to the pastor's words(for the most part), i kept daydreaming of my uncle in heaven, completely free from the aches and pains of his earthly body, reunited with his son who died 2 1/2 years ago. i even pictured him holding little matthew phillip and it made me smile. uncle paul had this great smile and even better laugh and that's exactly how i pictured him in heaven. full of joy...finally complete.

my uncle came to know christ after chad's death when he started attending church near his home. he told me all about it when we stayed with them in the summer of '09. that was the last time i saw him. it was such a great visit and i was glad he was so excited to share with me the new eternal hope he had in Jesus.

please pray for my cousin, his wife, and my aunt. my uncle's sudden death due to a heart attack, definitely stings as they are still grieving the loss of their son/brother, chad.

we all love you very much uncle paul. you will be dearly missed but we look forward to reuniting with you in heaven. i am so thankful we share an eternal hope in our Savior.

two brothers who really loved each other

project 365 - day 63

2011-03-04T21:07:00.001-05:00

thankful for my sweet 11-month-old

i can't believe 11 months ago today my life was forever changed when i met my beautiful daughter, kennedy grace.

sweet girl, you have been such a joy to your daddy and i (and so many friends and family). thank you for giving us the grace of such a wonderful and easy baby and for bringing joy to my life that i thought i might never experience after losing your big brother. you are such a blessing precious girl!

we're in full party-planning mode these next few weeks and hope your 1st bee-day party is as bee-autiful as you! we love you so much!

project 365 - day 62

2011-03-03T20:33:00.028-05:00

i am thankful for the bible

what a powerful tool we have in the bible. currently i am in a women's bible study and we are going through "the patriarchs" by beth moore. it's been such a rich blessing to my life to learn about my heritage in the Lord. i have known the general stories of abraham, issac, and jacob since my days in sunday school. what i didn't know is how unbelievably human they (and all of their wives and children) are! i am incredibly encouraged when i read about behaviors in each them that i myself have mirrored. it makes me realize that while God loved each of them and their imperfections, he also loves me just as much. really? well, yes, he does!

i am thankful for the written word of the bible where we can find characters who resemble ourselves, where we can find words to help us in sticky situations, and where we discover promises that have been and will be delivered.

project 365 - day 61

2011-03-02T19:43:00.001-05:00

thankful for texas

even though i wasn't born in texas, i got there as fast as i can. when i was 8 years old to be exact. today i am thankful for being an adopted texan. why you ask? so many reasons...

the people are just the absolute best! you rarely walk up to a door with a man where you would have to open it yourself. you need to cut into a traffic line; no problem. random, nice conversations with people you don't know can totally make your day. there is pride in customer service delivered with a smile. i think texans are some of the best people in the world.

the food and drinks leave no taste bud wanting. fantabulous mexican...enough said. after living away from texas for 10 out of the last 11 years i have just about given up on trying to get mexican food anywhere else! margaritas are properly made and good microbrews like shiner boch and ziegenboch never leave you thirsty. lest we not forget about the yummy bbq. proper texas brisqet should be it's own food group.

the land is so diverse. we have the coast and ocean, prarielands and plains, and mountains and hills. we have the small ranching towns, bustling metroplexes, and charming coastal villages. you can travel an entire long day (12-13 hours) and just barely make it out of the state. texas is just plain BIG!

sports are BIG in texas and football is king. there's nothing like sold-out seats to a friday night high school football game. it's the best ticket in town. we also have some of the most storied franchises in professional sports. cowboys, anyone?

i'm thankful i was raised in such a rich state ~ so many things make it a wonderful place to grow up...and thankfully i'll get a chance to raise my kids there in 5-6 years!

happy independence day texas!

project 365 - day 60

2011-03-01T20:43:00.002-05:00

today i am thankful for a reunion in heaven

as hard as it is to say goodbye, when i lose someone in my life i have to focus on the reunion in heaven. on sunday we lost my uncle unexpectantly to what appears to be a sudden heart attack. i'm so glad to know he is now in heaven but it doesn't make it easier for his loved ones who are left behind. please pray for his wife and son. this is a tremendous loss for them because he's the rock of the family, but also because their youngest son passed away 2 1/2 years ago.

uncle paul, we will miss you so much. we love you and are looking forward to reuniting with you in heaven someday.

"Remember Me" by Anon

To the living, I am gone,

To the sorrowful, I will never return;

To the angry, I was cheated.

But to the happy, I am at peace.

To the faithful, I have never left.

Talk to me, and I will hear,

your prayers, they comfort me,

your laughter makes me laugh,

but don't weep for me as I have my reward,

I am with the Father who will never let me perish,

The Lord comforts me, and longs to comfort you.

So be happy my family and don't despair,

I am in good hands, waiting for the day when

the Lord calls you to come home.

project 365 - day 59

2011-02-28T20:23:00.035-05:00

today i am thankful for my friend laura

happy birthday to my beautiful friend laura! if you have every heard my testimony, laura is my friend who brought me back to the Lord in 2004. while the guys were on their first deployment, laura invited me to church. even though i hadn't been in several years, she took it easy on me. she didn't even flinch when i showed up with a margarita hangover or wet hair because i was running late. laura is the best example of loving someone right where they are. remind you of anyone? exactly. Jesus. she has done such an amazing job of being the most non-judgmental, loving friend i have known. she is always an encourager, incredibly faithful to pray, and her smile is contageous! i love you!

happy birthday my sweet friend!!

i can't wait to see you next week! the picture above is when kennedy was 5 weeks old and laura brought her 3 amazing peeps down to meet her. we saw each other again in september but i guess we forgot to take pictures! looking forward to taking many next week.

project 365 - day 58

2011-02-27T15:11:00.068-05:00

thankful for the trying times in marriage

caption reads: all marriages are happy. it's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.

our small group is going through the "sacred marriage" study by gary thomas. it has been such a blessing in our lives. today we talked about how God brings us through difficult times and the refining power of marriage.

gary writes, "if marriage is the union of one person who stumbles in many ways to another person who stumbles in many ways, occasionally having sex and making little people who stumble in many ways, why are so many people surprised when they discover how difficult marriage can be?"

i think back to the difficult times in our marriage and realize it was God's refiner's fire for our relationship. the purpose of many of our trials prior to losing matthew (and even now) was for us to realize we had to rely completely on God, not ourselves. because we learned to lean on Him through these times, when the unimaginable trial of losing our firstborn son came, we knew exactly what to do. we had to lean heavily into God. it wasn't easy and i'll be the first to admit, we didn't always get it right. but God's unwavering grace got us through that time (and it still does!)

in the midst of ugly, it's hard to see beauty. when you're in the throws of horrible, how can you see happy? i believe God gives us exactly who we need in a marriage partner. in the good times and the bad, we have to turn to Him to make sense of it all. i have always loved the description of a triangle when it comes to marriage. God is the top point and each spouse is on either side. as each person grows closer to God, they grow closer to one another. i've always said it takes 3 people to make my marriage work. God, me, and ken. thank goodness for the third party! ;-)

project 365 - day 57

2011-02-26T14:58:00.002-05:00

today i wasn't feeling all that great and my sweet husband got up early with kennedy, let me sleep in, and when i woke up he made me breakfast. then later when i still didn't feel well and my head was pounding, i took a nap leaving him flying solo. today my husband took care of everything, including poopy diapers and messy feedings. late in the afternoon my headache went away and i felt a ton better. instead of having his choice of outback takeout, my hubby let me decide and he picked up yummy cheesecake factory food (and of course dessert!) i am thankful i had a day to be a slug with virtually no responsibilities because i have a sweet, wonderful husband who doesn't shy away from the heavy lifting. :) thank you honey...i love you!

project 365 - day 56

2011-02-25T19:27:00.033-05:00

thankful when God says yes

sometimes i believe things with God are more probable than they are possible. what that means is i doubt God's perfect timing in His plan for my life. i ask God for something but instead of believing He will give it to me, i doubt and my earnest prayers start to sound like begging. however when the very thing i pray for is given to me, i'm so thankful, but honestly sometimes i'm almost surprised.

why would i be surprised? God wants to bless his children. i found this quote from melissa j. a blogger for families.com that i thought was really great:

"oh, that You would bless me indeed..."

you can hear almost hear the cry of Jabez' heart to God, "bless me indeed." as bruce wilkinson shares in his book "the prayer of jabez," some might view this prayer as a bit selfish. but God wants us to come to Him. just as our children know they can come to us for their needs to be met, it's okay to ask our heavenly Father for our needs to be met as well. how would you love to have your children seek you for your wisdom, relationship and desire for what is good in their lives? this is what jabez appears to be doing before God. He acknowledges that God is the giver of goodness and blessing.

project 365 - day 55

2011-02-24T19:09:00.011-05:00

thankful for my sis!

today is my beautiful sister, Ashley's birthday!! happy birthday Ash! i hope you have a beautiful day with your patients and a fun dinner celebration with your hubby. wish we could be there there to help you celebrate!! we love you very much!

here's a couple of pictures of us...then and now (taken last June at her wedding). :)

project 365 - day 54

2011-02-23T22:16:00.000-05:00

i'm thankful for a God who puts his hand over my mouth.

trust me friends, it needs to happen more often than i allow it. :)

project 365 - day 53

2011-02-22T20:32:00.031-05:00

i'm painfully aware i hold myself back. so many times i say no because of my fears. i'm not sure if i will be successful at something so rather than risk failure, i don't risk anything at all. i just say no. can anyone relate?

i often wonder how much more we would get accomplished if we weren't always focused on our insecurities and shortcomings. if God is asking something of us, how can we think he would just abandon us and wish us luck. often the only thing God needs from us is....yes. he just needs a willing heart. there's not a verse in the bible i know of that says, "i can do all things through myself."

sometimes saying yes doesn't mean you'll find success. sometimes our saying yes is met with failure and that failure serve a purpose. to teach us something about ourselves, others, and life.

i'm thankful for a God who is patient with me, who doesn't lose it when my stubbornness or doubt shines through. when i say i'm not sure, he graciously takes me by the hand and says....I am.

project 365 - day 52

2011-02-21T22:47:00.000-05:00

thankful for writing time

today because of the president's day holiday, my husband gave me the incredible gift of 5 hours of uniterrupted writing time at starbucks. i am so thankful for this time! i took about 2 months off from writing my book around the holidays and matthew's birthday because i was just too emotional. but now i'm in full-on writing mode. however, my child only naps 30 minutes in the morning and maybe 45 minutes to an hour in the afternoon so that doesn't leave much time for writing since i have household chores, bible study, and a shower to take in that time.

i am so thankful that God has given me the words to write the stories of our precious son, matthew phillip; ken's brother phillip raymond, and our best friend matthew seth. it is a difficult story to write, but one i feel like needs to be told. i have no idea if this book is for me and a few others to read so we can all see how God has connected the dots and is faithful in His provision or if it will actually be published. God said write so i'm doing it.

today i'm thankful to a husband who had our boat and several household projects to work on, who unselfishly gave up his day off so i could go and write. i love you sweetheart!

project 365 - day 51

2011-02-20T22:14:00.000-05:00

let me be honest, i'm just thankful i'm still disciplined enough to be doing project 365. LOL! i knew it was going to be quite an undertaking to write something i am thankful for each day. especially since i don't even like to open up the laptop every day.

sure, i've fallen behind a day or two here and there (actually this post is a catch-up written the day after...ahhh, the irony!), but i'm so thankful i am still determined to continue with this project. why? well, honestly i had no idea it was going to change my perspective on life this much. each day i am constantly looking for something to be thankful for. and guess what? while i'm looking for something to be thankful for, i'm less focused on something to complain about or something negative. thank you Jesus for putting this project in my mind! i'm so excited to see how it continues...and we're only on day 51! :)

project 365 - day 50

2011-02-19T21:38:00.002-05:00

thankful for great friends

this weekend our friends bill and joni came to annapolis to introduce 1 month old liam. bill's mom, brother, and one of his sisters (and her husband and daughter) live here so we get to see them pretty often. it was great to be able to share a wonderful meal (thanks cynthia!) and some laughs with them. even if at one point, 4 kids were upstairs crying! liam had grown to be 7lbs 5oz and his adorable big brother jack continued to dote on him. we love these boys; seems kennedy will be able to choose between an older man or a younger one when she gets older. :)

we are so blessed by the danjczek's...they are the kind of friends you want to grow old with. loyal, caring, and generous. (bummer, i didn't get a picture of us this time.)

project 365 - day 49

2011-02-18T20:47:00.033-05:00

thankful for grace anew each day

i'm always amazed at the amount of grace i can use up in one day; well, really in an hour! i'm so thankful that God's mercies are new each morning. (lamentations 3:23) i think it's amazing how much our God loves us that he never says, enough is enough. you are constantly screwing up and i'm just about sick of this! sure, sometimes we have to learn tough lessons over and over, but God walks through them with us, never giving up on our human shortcomings.

my husband and i have this little thing we do. if we start getting "off track" and aren't communicating well and nothing positive or productive is getting accomplished, then i just look at him and say, "can we just start over?" then we greet each other again, like it was the first time that day, and start from scratch. i've even been known to send ken outside and have him walk through the door again :). while we can't achieve giving one another the kind of grace God gives us each day, we do try and follow His example.

project 365 - day 48

2011-02-17T21:46:00.000-05:00

thankful for sunshine and good weather!

i was so excited today...it was 65 degrees out! it's been cold for quite awhile and my texas bones can't take much more. i need warm weather! apparently it's just a tease and it will be back down to 50 and windy on saturday and we might even have snow on tuesday...ughh! enough winter already...time for spring!

as soon as kennedy got up from her nap we ventured out to the park. since she was too young and small for the jungle gym and slide, we stuck to the swing. i had such an awesome time spending the afternoon with my little girl outside! i just wish the weather would stick!

project 365 - day 47

2011-02-16T22:09:00.002-05:00

thankful for this officer and a lady...

i'm sorry...but is there anything else sweeter??

project 365 - day 46

2011-02-15T21:21:00.007-05:00

happy birthday phillip raymond!

today would have been my brother-in-law, phillip raymond's 40th birthday. but we're unable to spend it with him because after battling cancer in 1994 at the age of 23, he went home to Jesus. i never got a chance to meet him and i really wish i had. everything i have heard about phillip tells me he was such a tender, beautiful soul who was kind and generous.

phillip holds a special place in my heart because my son is named after him. and after everything i have learned about phillip, i wouldn't have picked any other name. i know our precious matthew phillip helped his uncle celebrate his 40th in a big way today in heaven. all of us who here on earth who are left missing him have to trust in the hope of seeing him again in eternity. we love you phillip raymond! happy 40th birthday...you're still such a special blessing to your family and friends...and even those who didn't know you.

project 365 - day 45

2011-02-14T21:16:00.001-05:00

has anyone told you today they love you? after all it is valentine's day.

did you know there is someone out there who loves you?

so much so, He gave his life for YOU!

i am so thankful that we have someone who loves us this much.

We love him, because he first loved us.
1 John 4:19

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son

John 3:16

project 365 - day 44

2011-02-13T22:26:00.001-05:00

today our small group started a new study called sacred marriage and i'm really excited about it. the question that the study begins with is, "what if God made marriage to make you more holy than happy?"

we talked openly about what our ideas of marriage were before we actually found ourselves right smack in the middle of it. and for the most part, we were all surprised about the reality of self-sacrifice that marriage required. needless to say most of us agreed the first couple of years were tough. but then you make the adjustments needed, ask God for guidance and pray like crazy. you have to learn how to communicate, compromise and cuddle. i'm not saying it's a cakewalk after you get all of this down, but hopefully you learn early on the tools necessary to make it through, even in the midst of life's most difficult trials.

what happens next? parents get sick. children die. jobs get eliminated. enter change, heartache and grief into the equation and you find out what your marriage is made of. after all of this, what is left?

maybe, just maybe, as we draw closer to God, finding out more about his character, in the good times and bad, we become who we are meant to be. we become full in Christ, which makes us full in our marriage.

i'm so thankful for this study and look forward to sharing what i learn!

project 365 - day 43

2011-02-12T20:52:00.001-05:00

thankful for my sweet mom

today is my precious mom's birthday. she doesn't look a day over 35...don't you think? wait, i'm 34...i'm pretty sure that's not possible. i wish we could be with my mom on her birthday but we did have a chance to skype today and kennedy and i played her a happy birthday song on kennedy's piano.

my mom is the kind of mom i wish everyone could have as their mother. she is kind, generous, caring, wise, and funny. she loves Jesus with all her heart and spends many hours of the day praying for others, especially her children and grandchild. she is so fun to be around and young at heart! she works hard and would give her last penny to a family member or close friend if they needed it. truly, she has a heart of gold. we love you mom/juju! hope you have a wonderful birthday...wish we were there to help you celebrate!

project 365 - day 42

2011-02-11T20:01:00.035-05:00

so yesterday i discovered i had a mullet. yep, i definitely had a carol brady mullett. i have been growing my hair out since september to once again donate to locks of love like i did in the spring but i just haven't had the time to go get it cut and shaped. so, as a result of my neglect, the back kept growing forming the carol brady mullet. when i straightened it to go to a playdate with some old friends i decided it looked awful and grabbed my best scissors, (fabric cutting ones!) and whacked it off.

the result...yikes!!

somehow when blowed dry, you couldn't tell how uneven it was. thankfully my friend candace felt comfortable enough to come and even it out today until i can go and get it cut. yay! today i am thankful for a better haircut. thanks candace! sorry, we didn't take an after picture...but trust me, it looks so much better!

project 365 - day 41

2011-02-10T22:43:00.001-05:00

today we had a play date with some good friends and kennedy got to spend time with her boyfriend noah. i'm thankful for the kind of friends you sit around and drink coffee with while the kids swing from the chandelier. :) we had a great time...thanks deb, jack and noah for hosting all of us!

project 365 - day 40

2011-02-09T23:24:00.002-05:00

thankful for skype

today my mom and aunt were both snowed in their respective houses with 6-8 inches of the white stuff on the ground. after we got home from bible study kennedy was able to skype with her juju and aunt granny deb.

the technology we have now is just amazing! since we do miss our families so much it is wonderful to have skype so we can see each other on the computer since we can't see each other in person as often as we would like. so, thank you al gore for inventing the internet so that niklas zennstrom and dane janus friis could come up with the fantastic idea of skype!

juju and aunt granny deb, it was so wonderful to talk to you today. i know kennedy enjoyed seeing you both! we love you!

project 365 - day 39

2011-02-08T21:43:00.001-05:00

thankful for this sweet face

project 365 - day 38

2011-02-07T15:27:00.003-05:00

time for some monday-morning quarterbacking as i grieve the close of yet another football season. last night before going to bed we were watching a few minutes of the cheeseheads' post-game celebration and wondering just how much confetti needs to fall. i mean seriously y'all, did anyone else catch that?

i stopped working on my laptap for a moment and turned my full attention to the t.v. as soon as i heard, "to God be the glory." being interviewed by pam oliver, greg jennings stood there, with an obnoxious amount of confetti falling around him and he said,

"we've been a team that's overcome adversity all year. our head captain goes down, emotional in the locker room. our no. 1 receiver goes down, more emotions are going...flying in the locker room. but we find a way to bottle it up and exert it all out here on the field."

and then, again, he repeats himself so everyone hears,

"to God be the glory."

this statement got me thinking. in the biggest wins of our lives, how many times do we give God the credit in our victories? last week i shared with you about how i gave myself the credit for overcoming an eating disorder. it took me awhile to acknowledge it, but it was truly God and his grace that helped me overcome it.

today i am thankful for a talented and humble football player who gives credit where credit's due and reminds me to do the same. when everyone in the world is pushing the agenda of "me, me, me" and self-promotion has become the norm, it's nice to see humlity is a trait an nfl player can still possess.

you don't think God has time to care about football? i disagree. i believe God cares about what we care about.

i'm sure greg jennings was also praying to win the game.

apparently his prayers were louder than mine. ;-)

(sorry to my packer family/friends out there...but i had pledged allegiance to the steelers early in the season when it was clear my 'boys weren't going to make a superbowl run.)

project 365 - day 37

2011-02-06T21:00:00.000-05:00

thankful for football!

tonight marks the end of football watching for me and this always make me a little sad. although i prefer college football, the nfl gives me a month more of watching my favorite sport. unless it's the cowboys i don't get too excited about the nfl. and by excited i mean obsessive-crazy!

football is a time of friends and family gathering and yelling loudly at an inanimate object, where winners are heros and losers are chopped liver. it's just pure greatness to me! and tonight it all comes to an end. now what am i supposed to watch in the afternoons and evenings on saturday and sunday? golf? i.don't.think.so.

i won't tell you who i'm rooting for in tonight's game...but i will tell you that their jerseys reflect a yellow'ish color ;-)

project 365 - day 36

2011-02-05T20:12:00.003-05:00

thankful for opportunity

well, now that i have most of my equipment, i have launched my photography business! exciting and scary all at once. i have loved photography for as long as i can remember and after fine-tuning my skills in a formal classroom setting, i have set out to make some money at this.

i'm thankful for this opportunity and pray that it goes well! please visit my photography blog at http://capturedbycort.blogspot.com/ (this will serve as my website for awhile until i make some money and can afford to have someone construct my website for me.) anyone do this for a living and want to swap for some free photography?

if you're on facebook, please go and "like" me too. i'm listed as Captured by Cort Photography. thanks everyone. now enough shameless plugs for myself...how was your day?

did you find someone to be a recipient of your random act of kindess yet?

project 365 - day 35

2011-02-04T09:23:00.002-05:00

thankful for an unexpected gesture

today when i went to the mailbox, i opened up a card from the spca of anne arundel county and i was sure i was opening up a solicitation for a donation.

instead, it was a card notifying me a donation had been made to them in memory of our sweet echo, given by a sweet neighbor down the street i have had maybe 10 conversations with since we moved in 14 months ago. every single day this woman comes over to our neighbor's house across the street who has to use a walker and walks with her and her dog. she's the kind of person you're honored to know.

who couldn't use an unexpected gift, gesture, call, or letter? is there someone you can think of that needs a simple act of kindness today? ok then, do it. :) it will make their day!

project 365 - day 34

2011-02-03T21:53:00.000-05:00

today i am thankful for a husband who thinks it's important to read the bible to our daughter.

is there anything better?

project 365 - day 33

2011-02-02T22:48:00.004-05:00

i have the privilege of leading a bible study these next few months at our church. well, leading is really a strong word. it's more like facilitating because truly, we get to hear beth moore teach us about the patriarchs. although we're only on week 2, i can tell this is going to be an amazing study. i mean having a gifted and insightful teacher, who is from texas...yeah, that pretty much seals the deal. i'm so thankful to be apart of this.

today beth talked about fear. false evidence appearing real. listening to her today, i thought she kept saying my name at the end of each sentence. "the enemy wants you to be afraid, cortney. he's there to tell you 'you can't' cortney."

i started thinking...how much fear did i have in my life before matthew, because i have a pretty good idea of how much there is now. honestly, i don't know that i feared all that much before we lost him. sure, some small things, sure some "no God i can't do that" moments but the amount of fear i have dealt with and still face since matthew's death is significantly more.

i fear i will lose ken in a tragic car accident. i fear that kennedy will go to sleep and won't wake up. i fear a family member will call with tragic news of someone's death. i fear that people won't like me. i fear we won't have more children. i fear i won't be able to finish my book. i fear i will fail my husband. i fear i'll screw up my kids' lives. i fear.

is that what God wants from me? to always fear. to not live my life called according to His purpose? to say no to Him because i wouldn't be any good at it or because i don't know how to do it? absolutely not. the life we live in fear is a life that is bound in chains.

the life God has given us after accepting Christ as our Savior, is a life of freedom, grace, and hope. not a life of fear. we may say, "God i'm afraid. i'm not sure i can do this." but His loving answer will always be, "i know...that's why i'm here with you." trust me with all your heart; and lean not to your own understanding. (prov 3:5) fear not, for I am with you (isaiah 41:10).

what is it that you fear? can you trust God enough to help you with it?

p.s. i'm also very, very thankful that the friggin' groundhog didn't see his shadow. i'm freezing here in md and i need an early spring! how about you? i mean even texas has snow and yesterday my friend wrote to me that austin was going to have a 0 degrees windchill last night. wowsers. global freezing indeed! seriously y'all!

project 365 - day 32

2011-02-01T22:03:00.000-05:00

thankful for a new day

when i set out to do project 365 and find something to be thankful for each day, i knew sometimes it was going to be a quick and simple thing.

today is that day.

for me, i'm glad to have the calendar roll to a new day, a new month. welcome, february! no doubt, january is a tough month, full of sad memories and reliving an unimaginable day when we had to let our precious son go. this year, again, january brought even more grief when we had to say goodbye to our sweet beagle girl echo.

farewell january...i'm praying for an easier february!

project 365 - day 31

2011-01-31T21:19:00.029-05:00

thankful for someone waiting

ok, i'll be the first to admit it, this post might be a little mushy. today ken was home from work sick (first time since i've known him that he's taken a sick day) and while kennedy took her nap i ran out to target and office depot.

just below our living room window is a bench. this bench was for echo to jump up and look out the window. one of my favorite things about her is that every time i would be pull up to the house she would be perched up on the bench looking out the window. as soon as she saw me in sight, she would get excited, jump down and meet me at the door. i've been a little down the last few days when i drove up and didn't see her in the window.

today when i came home, there my ken was waving to me from the window. and before you picture him perched up on the bench on his hind legs, don't. :) he was just standing there...waiting for me to come home.

today i am thankful for someone who was waiting for me at the window.

project 365 - day 30

2011-01-30T16:20:00.049-05:00

thankful for david

for about a year now we have been attending a small group through our church. our weekly meeting, right after the early service, blesses me each week. it's a community of people who love and care for me, and together we walk through life together striving to know Christ on a deeper level. it's a place i can go and feel safe and secure to express my opinions and emotions and not be judged.

today we concluded a study on david. i am struck by one final conclusion about david...God still loved him and chose to use him despite the mess he made. i can completely relate. :)

and the one reason i think God continued to bless david and use him: his willingness and devotion to God. david is know as a "man after God's own heart."

david inspires me to want to know God more. david makes me want to be willing. it's not an easy road...sometimes it's frightening to say yes to God. one of the hardest obstacles to overcome after a life full of screwing up, is to believe God can still use you. and newsflash, you're going to continue to screw up! when i remind myself of this, i can step back and take another breath.

i don't believe anyone can get so far away from God that He can't forgive, redeem and bless you. if you're out there thinking you can't be used because of this and that, it's probably worth it to read about the life of david.

you might actually discover yourself somewhere in there.

project 365 - day 29

2011-01-29T12:21:00.005-05:00

thankful for deliverance

when i was near the end of college, there was a rumor going around with my high school friends and acquaintances that i had been sent to a drug rehabilitation center. i was pretty shocked to hear this because i had never even take any drugs at that point in my life, but then again the rumor mill there was pretty rampant.

in reality, i went to an eating disorder treatment facility. for almost 8 years i had struggled with exercise anorexia, anorexia and bulimia, and it all came to a head when i collapsed on the steps of the business school at texas tech university. it was at the end of spring semester and after 5 years of college, i was just about to graduate in the summer. instead, my dad came and picked up my 96-pound frame and all my stuff, and 2 weeks later i was in treatment. this year on june 1, i will celebrate 12 years of recovery from a stronghold on my life that i thought i would never overcome.

i just recently heard about 2 reality shows on eating disorders. the first one what's eating you is currently running in the e! network and the oprah network plans on airing an 8-part series called inside rehab. i have not seen an episode of "what's eating you" but i think i will definitely try to catch the next one. my gut reaction is the content of a reality show for entertainment cannot be good. however, if done in a delicate way, it may actually help people. but truthfully, i'm a little skeptical.

i went to laureate and i think their approach in helping those with eating disorders is remarkable. the ed unit is completely separate than others there dealing with different addictions. i mean to me, it never made much sense to throw drug addicts and anorexics in the same room. after all, a drug addict, has to give up their drugs...they cannot be apart of their life whatsoever; an anorexic has to accept their drug (food) and learn how to manage it in a healthy manner. laureate's team tackles eating disorders head on. you need not stop your unhealthy behaviors before arriving.

when i went there in 1999, there were 14 women all at different stages of recovery. i checked into acute care and was still practicing my bulimia. i was constantly followed by a nurse or technician and i distinctly remember going to the bathroom and throwing up after dinner the second night. she watched me and asked me if i felt good afterwards. i can't recall my exact words but i'm sure it was pretty smart-alecky. 3 days after arriving and watching all the other ladies at various stages of their recovery, i gave it up and never looked back. one of my favorite aspects of their program was at the end when you go to transitional living where you live in a dorm-type setting with no one constantly looking over your shoulder. there you had to cook your own meals, go out to eat at a restaurant and even shop for new clothes and a bathing suit! not to say the road was easy, but after 8 weeks of treatment at their facility i had the tools in place to never relapse, and i didn't.

even though i had a christian counselor through the program, i chose to give myself the credit for my own recovery; not God. this sent me on a 3-year self-empowerment path of doing what felt good to me at the time. i was about as far away from God as i could be. it wasn't until several years later when i was back following Christ i started to realize the truths of psalm 139 and that it was God who had in fact delivered me, not myself! i am thankful to Him for bringing me through that ugly, horrible period of my life.

i'm very sensitive and passionate about those who struggle with eating disorders and body image. even now, as i find myself weighing more than i want to after 2 pregnancies and the grief of losing a child, i struggle but not in the same way i used to. if you know someone who is tempted by anorexia or bulimia or fully practicing it, pray hard for them. and if you think it is appropriate have them contact me. it is a dangerous addiction and one i'm afraid that is taking hold of too many women, especially young teens,and threatening to destroy their lives. only in God will they realize the fullness of who there are meant to be.

Psalm 139:13-14

13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

project 365 - day 28

2011-01-28T21:08:00.000-05:00

thankful for echo memories

today it is very hard to find something i am thankful for. i just miss my sweet dog. and no offense to anyone out there, but i have just about decided the month of january sucks...at least for us.

i got up this morning and when i walked into the kitchen and echo's food and water bowls weren't there, i started crying. that dog really secured a special place in my heart. tonight after dinner i wondered who i would give my pizza crusts to because she wasn't here at my feet begging for them. and trust me tonight, she would have loved it...my plate flipped off my lap and 2 pieces landed on the floor. she would have eaten them in 2 seconds flat.

before we went to bed last night i started crying telling ken i wished we had just brought her home to die and i thought we made a mistake by putting her down. i was emotional. i know it was better that she go in peace but i was just having a hard time letting go.

yesterday the vet told me she was sorry because she knew echo was like a child to us...yep, she was our first.

today i am thankful for the memories of sweet echo.

i leave you with a cute video of kennedy (6 mos) eating sweet potatoes for the first time and echo supervising.

project 365 - day 27

2011-01-27T21:09:00.006-05:00

thankful for sweet beagle girl echo

when i woke up today, i didn't realize that by mid-afternoon we'd be saying goodbye to our sweet beagle girl. my heart is broken.

in december 2005 we adopted echo when she was approximately 6 years old from austin hound rescue. just a year later, we packed her up and headed to greece. she loved it there because she chased all the stray kitties and goats in the neighborhood.

everyone loved echo...she was the sweetest, most atypical beagle in the world. meaning she didn't howl or dig. she did beg for food and never met a bag a chips she couldn't devour. we used to have pizza parties all the time and once she jumped on the table and ate an entire pizza! that night she laid on the cold tile floor and it seemed like her belly really hurt. two weeks later, she did the same thing, except this time, she only ate the toppings. guess she was going low carb. :)

she was nose to the ground on her walks but we grew to love it. when we got her her very own kitty in greece, morris, she was in love.

ken was more of her favorite until i got pregnant with matthew and then she was all about me.

when we lost matthew, she knew just how to comfort me. she would jump up on the couch and sit real close to me. i remember day after day when her affection would ease my tears.

when we moved back to annapolis last summer we found out that she had developed a significant heart murmur. she went on heart meds but we knew she wouldn't be with us for many more years.

i think echo was well aware of my pregnancy with kennedy even before we were. when we brought her home, she loved kennedy almost as much as we did.

lately kennedy got to where she was pulling up on echo trying to ride her like a horsey and pulling her ears but echo didn't mind. maybe it was because she knew she could sit at kennedy's feet when she was eating and have all the droppings she wanted to.

today ken went to take her on her morning walk and they got as far as the end of the driveway when she collapsed and kind of had a seizure. we took her to the vet and found out she was in heart failure and there wasn't really anything they could do to help her and that she was uncomfortable.

so we made a very hard decision and decided to say goodbye versus bringing her home to have another episode and die under distress. we were with her the whole time and it was very hard.

echo was probably the best dog that anyone could have asked for. she lived through a whole lot of life with us and brought us through lots of tears. i know everyone says that their dog is the best, but truly, she was amazing. we will miss her so much. rest in peace sweet beagle girl.

project 365 - day 26

2011-01-26T04:30:00.019-05:00

thankful for this smile

yesterday i had an opportunity to finally catch up with one of my best friends, andrea. she and her new husband, dilgesh just moved back to the states after doing mission work in cypress and we have been playing phone tag. andrea is such a beautiful person and has one of the most amazing hearts i know. today when talking to her, i could just see this smile on her face. and i have definitely been missing it. doesn't it just draw you in. with smiles like this, can you imagine how much joy their kids' smiles will bring to people??

andrea is the kind of friend who just shows up, makes you feel special, and she can seriously make you belly laugh like no other. i am thankful kennedy took an hour-long nap (woo-hooo!) so i had the opportunity to talk to her. i love you my friend! can't wait to see you again and meet this fabulous husband of yours!

project 365 - day 25

2011-01-25T11:15:00.009-05:00

thankful for my aunt

today is my aunt debbie's birthday and i am so thankful to her. she is my mom's only sister and really more like a second mom to me. she is also kennedy's "aunt granny deb" and she loves her so.

happy birthday aunt granny deb! we love you!!

project 365 - day 24

2011-01-24T15:15:00.025-05:00

thankful for hearing

well, i have to let you in on a little secret...i might be the world's worst mom.

last night my husband woke up with my daughter coughing 8 times and i woke up with her 3. i thought she only woke up 3 times the whole night until my husband told me he was "up with her all night." what??

i did not hear my child the 8 other times. truly i wasn't faking it so he'd get up...i just didn't hear!

so today i am thankful for a husband who can hear, because obviously i cannot.

i'm praying my nighttime hearing gets restored tonight because i am usually johnny-on-the-spot with hearing her and getting right up. for goodness sakes, the monitor is right next to my head! in my defense i had 2 glasses of alamos malbec wine before i went to bed and i was having some crazy, crazy dreams. apparently they were too good to let go of.

p.s. this is the second time that i've had crazy dreams after having a glass or two of alamos malbec. anyone else?

project 365 - day 23

2011-01-23T15:00:00.008-05:00

thankful for nighttime doctors

the nighttime pediatric clinic here in annapolis is great...and fast. a few hours after we got home from north carolina, kennedy came down with an awful cough and fever. they got us right in and turns out she has mild croup. going to the doctor and picking up a prescription took less than 1 hour.

it got me thinking how i am so thankful for such reliable, fast, and comprehensive medical care. there are so many people in the world that do not have it and it makes me sad. i have experienced another country's medical care, and without going into too much detail, let me just say how thankful i am for the doctors i have access to here in the states and their commitment to and passion for their profession. praying my sweet little babe gets to feeling better soon!

project 365 - day 22

2011-01-22T15:15:00.000-05:00

thankful for this sweet little man and these wonderful friends

there's nothing better than best friends gathering, kids laughing, newborns grunting, fires burning, tunes playing, and conversation flowing. (did i mention ken's yummy pizza and bill's marvelous fondue?)

what a perfect weekend! as perfect as sweet little liam. welcome to the world little man. we love you!

project 365 - day 21

2011-01-21T15:15:00.020-05:00

road trip!

today i am thankful to be going on a road trip with my husband and daughter! i love road trips! we're going to cary, north cakalacki, (outside of raleigh) to meet our best friends' newborn son liam. i can't wait to meet this little man.

but first, rooooaaaadddddddddddddddddd trrrriiiiiipppppppppppppppppppppppp! whooo-hoooo!!!

i love road trips because you can listen to music, sing as loud as you want, and have oodles of time to talk (definitely the latter is my husband's favorite road trip activity. he just comes alive and i can't get him to shut up! haha!) and when our children are older, we'll have all the road trip games you can stand like i-spy and scavenger hunts! yep, i'm a road trip junkie. well, i used to be. kennedy has been pretty good so far; let's hope she likes the 5-hour day drive today!

do you like to road trip? what is your favorite place to go? my goal before i die is to drive in each state (not just fly through). so far i have driven through/stayed in 42 states. still left on my list: alaska, oregon, washington, idaho, montana, utah, ohio, and maine. eventually i'll get them all checked off...

project 365 - day 20

2011-01-20T16:20:00.004-05:00

thankful for sleep and coffee

today kennedy slept until 8:37 (well actually it was 8:42 but they didn't have a graphic for that on google images!) and i got to sleep in. she goes to bed between 6:30-7pm and usually wakes between 6:45-7:30am so this was unusual for her. i actually woke up a few minutes before she did, grabbed my phone to check the time, and sort of freaked out that it said 8:42. i jumped out of bed, grabbed my glasses and the video monitor while i starting walking towards her room. i saw she was just starting to stir and my heart slowed down to a normal pace. i went into her room greeting her with our normal morning routine which is comprised of mommy singing ~~out of tune~~ beautifully "good morning, good morning baby..." (not one you know; i made it up). truly, no child should be subjected to such bad singing but mine has no choice. :) she can tell her counselor all about it later in life.

since i usually rely on her to be my alarm clock, we were late to our coffee date with the annapolis navy wives.

sleep and coffee, sleep and coffee. well, grande nonfat caramel brulee lattee, no whip to be exact. while i was thankful to sleep in after going to bed at midnight, i have to say i felt more tired than i usually do. i definitely needed the coffee to get through the day. and for extra measure, i threw in a coca-cola at lunch. today was a fairly easy-going day filled with 3 of my favorite things...my girl, extra sleep and coffee. :) hope you had a blessed day too!

p.s. i am also thankful for the technology of skype video calls. today we got my aunt (kennedy's aunt granny deb) hooked up for the first time. she got to see kennedy eat her pureed butternut squash turkey dinner, giggle outloud and give her sweet kisses. we also had time to skype juju (my mom) and give her kisses goodnight. yesterday, juju was the first to witness (along with me) kennedy taking 3 crawling steps. she's only taken 1 before and then flops down on her belly. this crawling thing is just around the corner! yikes...i don't think i'm ready! i just LOVE skype video calls...it helps to "see" family when we miss them so much!

project 365 - day 19

2011-01-19T16:20:00.008-05:00

thankful for...hmmm...american idol??

ok, ok. i know what you're thinking! seriously, american idol? season 10 premiered tonight and i'll be honest, i was super excited and thankful! but give me a chance to explain...

see, i had never watched this show until 2 years ago. we lost our sweet matthew on sunday, jan 11th and i could not function. there was nothing to make me smile, or laugh, or feel anything but sad. i was in shock and in ultra-grief mode. crying every hour, on the hour, sometimes 30 times in the hour. i was having a ~~pretty~~ unbelievably difficult time. we were in the midst of deciding where to bury matthew, planning a funeral, and working with the navy on the logistics of transporting his body back to the states. decisions a parent should not have to think about, let alone actually make. people were coming to the house bringing food and i didn't want to talk to anyone. i just wanted to lay in bed all day long and eventually stop feeling anything at all.

three days later on the 14th the armed forces network debuted season 8 of american idol for us in greece (one day after the states). i got out of bed that day mid-afternoon, barely fed myself, cried until my eyes were as puffy as cotton candy, and walked the 25 steps to the couch. i slumped down on the sofa and turned on the tv for the first time since the day matthew was born. see, on january 6, matthew's birthday, i didn't feel well so i called in sick and laid around watching tv thinking i was having braxton hicks contractions. 8 days later i didn't want to lay on the same couch and watch the same tv where i thought i should have called the doctor sooner and things would be different.

i flipped channels and came to american idol. i decided to watch for a little while because so many people had talked about it for years. that night something happened. the outlandish contestants who couldn't sing a note and sung anyway for their 15 minutes of fame had me smiling. then the smiles turned to chuckles and the chuckles turned to full-on deep belly laughs complete with happy tears rolling down my face. i laughed so hard i couldn't breathe. i mean contestants like tatiana, with all of her drama and antics had me saying, is this for real??? and through a tv show, i started to realize something. i realized, eventually, i would laugh again. and 2-3 times per week until may, i practiced laughing while watching this show. for 2 hours i was able to escape my unspeakable pain and sadness and immerse myself into a silly tv show. for 2 hours a few times a week, i felt a little bit normal. sometimes i even cried because i was so moved by the contestants' singing or their stories. but it was a good cry, nothing simliar to what the rest of the day's cries' looked like for me.

in the midst of unbearable grief, God gives us unexpected hope and joy. yes, sometimes i turned to my bible and read of His promises to restore us and to bring peace that surpasses understanding. i read of His promise of heaven and was comforted that my son was there. but i had really hard moments with God during this time where i felt like He had abandoned me. i was so angry at Him and at times, i could not bring myself to even open my bible.

but wednesday and thursday nights would roll around and the laughter would come courtesy of american idol. and i think it was some of the best medicine i could have experienced. am i saying american idol was better than the truths of my bible or my prayer time with God? absolutely not! but, for me, my anger was so intense during that time that i wasn't always open to the truths of God's word to comfort me. do i think God gave me american idol to remind me i would laugh again? well, actually, yes i do. i believe God meets us where we are. even if that's using a tv show to restore laughter, hope and joy.

Proverbs 17:22 A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

project 365 - day 18

2011-01-18T15:30:00.000-05:00

thankful for the margins

today i am thankful for the reminder that living life is about what is written in the margins. i was reminded about this today from my friend susie davis' life in the margin blog entry she wrote about her mother-in-law who just passed away. please go read it. what beautiful words! God has given us this wonderful roadmap in His Word and what matters at the end of this life is what we learn from it and how we let it transform our lives. thank you susie for your beautiful words today. i am thankful for you!

friends, if you want to read a blog that is wonderful, uplifting, insightful and helpful, check out susie davis ~ the good news girl! you'll love her books too! you can always link to her blog from "my fav bloggers" on the right-hand side of my blog.

project 365 - day 17

2011-01-17T16:00:00.057-05:00

thankful for bloom book club

i am thankful for a book club that i just joined online. i have been familiar with angie smith's online bloom book club but have never joined. but today i decided to do it! bloom has now transfered to the (in)courage website and they have chosen a wonderful new book, one thousand gifts by first-time author ann voskamp. i have read some of ann's blog and agree she is a very talented writer so i'm super-excited to read her book. sometimes you just know a book is going to change your life...and i think this one will!

want to join me? get more info here, order your book at dayspring (cheapest option right now because it's on sale for $10 this week only), and start reading. the first discussion is not until feb. 6. also, if you would like, you can provide a book(s) for those who cannot afford it for the special price of $10 this week only. when you buy a yourself a book and another one for someone else in need, you get free shipping!

i would be remiss if i didn't give my husband a shout-out and tell him thanks for letting me take a nap today (i know...ANOTHER one...two days in a row!!), even when he had the early shift (actually we both did because i woke up at the same time...i just had to go to a bible study leader's meeting.) i know you were tired and could have enjoyed your own nap, but thanks for letting me fall asleep on the couch and experience a nice long snooze while you took kennedy for a walk. you are the best, honey! have i told you lately how much i love you? because I DO!

project 365 - day 16

2011-01-16T14:44:00.000-05:00

thankful for some zzzzz's

sometimes it's just the simple things. this morning was my turn to get up with kennedy. on the weekend, we split it so one of us gets to sleep in. today she decided to get up an hour earlier than normal...naturally because it was momma's turn. :) so most of the day i was dragging, even after the assistance of 2 cups of coffee and a coke. after our small group i was excited to watch the football playoff games because well, as you know, i love football. (i much prefer college football but i'll take what i can get.) with only 3 more weeks of football to go, i'm trying to take in every moment before the 7-month absence of the only sport that matters (at least to me!), so i figured even if i tried to fall asleep while watching the game i wouldn't be able to.

but i was so tired. so when kennedy went down for a nap, i was comfortable with the 3 touchdown lead the bears had and i closed my eyes for just a moment. 55 minutes later i woke up refreshed (and to a baby crying who wanted OUT of her crib!) but today, i took pleasure in something simple ~ a chance to take a much needed nap. for quite awhile now, the few chances i've had to take a nap, i haven't been able to fall asleep. so to actually sleep today and wake up feeling rested was amazing. i'm thankful for those zzzzzz's!

and i have to say, i was a little bit thankful that tom brady didn't advance tonight. there's no love lost between us. even though i'll only cheer for the jets this week, it was nice to see rex ryan and his team get the win. sorry jets fans, but after the cowboys blew their season, i decided i wanted to adopt a secondary (winning) team for just this season. so my friend laura's husband steven, a HUGE steelers fan accepted my application and i became a steelers fan. :) GO STEELERS! even if it means beating the cheeseheads...i guess :(

project 365 - day 15

2011-01-15T16:55:00.022-05:00

thankful for clean

today was house cleaning day. and it wasn't just my skimming once-over weekly cleaning. it was the kind of deep cleaning i do 3-4 times a year. and the best thing ever...my hubby offered to help me do it! we got into all of the nooks and crannies and sent the dust bunnies to live in a landfill somewhere in maryland. i'm not sure they'll like their new home, but i'm certainly going to enjoy them not living in my house!

i love the smell of outdoor fresh scented pledge, mr. clean, and chlorox clean-up. i could smell these smells all day and just smile. i know; i am just a weird clean person. for the most part things always appear to be clean and in order if you visit our home. but my weekly cleanings don't allow me to achieve a really deep clean and it's these cleanings that i love. it took us just about 5 hours but my house is now super-clean. i even washed the doors...who knew doors could get so dirty? i don't even have toddlers with dirty hands touching them yet.

i'm thankful for a clean house but as i was cleaning i started thinking about how unclean my heart was. i asked God to examine me and show me where i needed to come clean. he brought a few things to mind and i confessed them right then and there. one of which was the lack of quality time i've given to God over the last week or so. i have found myself skimming over a verse, thinking about it for a few minutes and moving on with my day. on a few of these days, i didn't even make time to open my bible. if you looked at my life on the outside, everything probably appeared to be clean. but i knew there were a bunch of cobwebs hanging around. so for almost 5 hours today i just talked to God. i told Him about some areas i have been struggling with and find myself anxious, and i confessed sometimes (ok, a lot) i just take on a situation expecting to control the outcome as i see fit.

it felt good to clean my house today. but a deep cleaning of my heart made me realize what clean is really supposed to feel like. is there anything today in your heart that needs a deep cleaning?

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

project 365 - day 14

2011-01-14T15:00:00.011-05:00

today i am thankful it's friday. it's the end of a week and we have a long holiday weekend ahead of us for fun, quality, family time. but before the weekend gets into full swing, we will have our traditional friday night pizza night. do i love pizza? well, i like it. maybe i don't love it as much as my husband, but i do like it. but what i love about pizza night is that i don't have to cook! every friday i don't have to worry about what's for dinner. because papa john's is bringing dinner. today i am thankful for the easy button and pizza on the way!

i have to wonder...how many more people have pizza on friday nights??

project 365 - day 13

2011-01-13T14:53:00.076-05:00

thankful for the unexpected

today i had no plans at all. i was feeling a little tired so when kennedy took her morning nap i laid down. when i got up i thought it would be a pajamas kind of day. but i got an unexpected surprise when my friend candace called and asked if she could bring me lunch. she's just the kind of friend that everybody wants. the one that just knows when to show up. she was the very one who i called on matthew's angel day this week, even though i didn't really want to be around anyone because i was scared i would fall apart. she came with her super glue so we could put the the pitcher back together and gave me a long hug when i needed to cry.

we've been housebound for the last 2 days because of the snow and i was itching to get out. so i told candace i would meet her at pf changs. i am grateful for the surprise of my friend treating me to lunch (thank you sweet Candace!), and i'm even more thankful for the wonderful friend God brought into my life only 6 months ago. she's beautiful, thoughtful, kind, and generous. and as an added bonus, she's from texas! this means she gets my "crazy" more than a non-texan, which almost makes me feel normal. :)

candace and her precious family

love you sweet friend! thanks for being there for me this week!

p.s. on a completely unrelated note, i have a weird eye-twitching thing going on right now and it won't stop. when trying to diagnose myself on the internet this is what i came up with for possible causes:

•Stress •Tiredness •Eyestrain •Caffeine •Alcohol •Dry eyes •Nutritional imbalances •Allergies

anyone else have any ideas? pray my eye stops twitching by tomorrow morning...or i might just pry it out!

project 365 - day 12

2011-01-12T15:30:00.000-05:00

thankful for snow angels!

today we had about 2.5-3 inches of snow on the ground from last night's storm. not exactly the 5-8 inches they were predicting but it was just enough to make everything beautiful. when kennedy woke up i took her over to the window and she stared at it in amazement. later in the day, we went out to make snow angels. at first she didn't know what to think but after i put her on my stomach and made silly faces, i think she liked it! does it get any better than this? i don't think so. after a day like yesterday, i'm thankful for snow angels...especially this cutie potootie one. :)

project 365 - day 11...jan 11, 2011 matthew's angel day

2011-01-11T11:57:00.289-05:00

thankful for the broken pitcher

how does a broken heart shattered into a million pieces get put back together? today, this second anniversary of our son's death, his heavenly angel birthday, i struggle to find something, just one thing to be thankful for. if anyone who has ever lost someone special can take a sad day out of the year to just grieve, to mourn, and be nothing but sad, then the day when you lost that person is certainly appropriate.

january 11th is that day for me...it might always be. we've tried hard to make matthew's birthday, just 5 short days before, a day of celebration, a day of joy, and a day to reflect on the the miracle of his life. but i can't make january 11 a day of joy. the truth is i'm not trying to. i'm not focused on this being matthew's heavenly birthday because if i was, i might be less sad. getting to heaven is a joyous occasion and i will be thrilled when i make the trip and can see him again. however, the memory of a day, when a momma was left on this earth with empty aching arms for her son, is anything but joy. i don't have eternal perspective to understand that january 11 is the joyous day when my son met his Maker. my earthy mind and longing heart just can't quite get my head around it.

but what i cling to is the true promise of heaven and the knowledge that one day these aching arms will be filled by the weight of my son. with these broken fragments scattered about, i know Jesus is putting them back together one piece at a time.

my pitcher will always have the cracks in it here on earth. but i hope through our story and the broken pieces scattered about, you will see the love we have for Jesus pouring out of our lives. He remains the only real hope we have been able to cling to. He's the One who is bringing the calm after the storm.

kennedy playing with matthew's bear. an identical one is in his casket.

we spent the day finally starting to put the pitcher back together we broke at a beach in Greece on my first mother's day 4 months after we lost Matthew. my sweet friend Candace came over and she let me cry on her shoulder and we worked on the pitcher for awhile. after Candace left i knew i needed to have a good cry out and when kennedy went down for a nap i put in the movie Beaches. it's a sure thing tearjerker for me. i cried several times but the cleansing cry i was looking for didn't come. just when i was getting to the end where hillary collapses, kennedy woke up joyful and ready to play. i went to get her thinking i definitely needed to hug my child. we went into the living room and i decided to go ahead and let the movie play, which is pretty unusual for me. when kennedy's in the room and the t.v. is on we're watching "my baby can read", "baby einstein", or texas tech football.

and then it came. the scene where hillary is at the hospital and she tells cici she wants to go home. the tears just started flowing and i couldn't catch my breath. my sobs turned into a raging river that couldn't be calmed. kennedy was playing on the floor facing away from me and staring in fascination at echo who was sitting on her bench looking out the window at the snow beginning to fall.

niagra falls was happening on my face and soon the sounds of a hyena filled the room. at this point in the movie, we're full into "wind beneath my wings" and the scene changes to cici standing in front of the grave. i flashed back to seeing that tiny little casket and not believing my son was in it. i felt like an emotional breakdown was coming on so i shut my eyes and imagined matthew in heaven with Jesus. my breath came back, the hyena left the room and a sense of calmness came over me. i opened my eyes and when i looked down through my tears, i could see a blurry image smiling at me. when i smiled back she started laughing. i'm not sure why her smiles turned to laughter. maybe she thought my hyena cries were me laughing. i don't know. but i leaned down, scooped her into my arms and hugged her longer than she wanted to be hugged. and when she tried to squirm loose i squeezed her tighter. she thought this was funny and kept laughing. finally i joined in with her and the laughter felt good. the kind of cleansing cry i had was very much needed. it's been months, if not almost a year, that i've had a cry like that. but as much as i needed that cry, i needed the laughter too.

ken came home from work and i went to get a much needed and relaxing massage. when i left the spa, it started snowing like crazy. i picked up our take out and drove home while masses of large snowflakes hit the windshield. i got home and decided i wanted to stand out in the snow for awhile. i looked up into the sky and let the snow cleanse my tear-stained face. i felt like the snow fell directly from Jesus' hands. my husband grabbed the camera (probably because i looked like i had gone nuts) and snapped this picture of me.

i stood out in the snow until i started laughing again. when i came in, we had yummy take out and worked on the pitcher (we're still not quite done; there are a lot of small pieces!)

i took a break to read emails, texts and facebook messages and felt overwhelmed and grateful by all of the support we received on this day. we went to bed feeling we got everything out of this day we wanted to and rested peacefully in the hope that there will be a day...

There Will Be A Day by Jeremy Camp

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that trys to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel your walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store

Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced

To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing….

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears

There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day, He’ll wipe away the stains, He’ll wipe away the tears, He’ll wipe away the tears…..there will be a day.

project 365 - day 10

2011-01-10T10:34:00.030-05:00

thankful for liam david!

today i am thankful for the miracle of a new life. our best friends bill and joni gave birth to their second son, liam david, this morning. we will try to stop calling him leroy jenkins at some point, i promise! this was the nickname ken and i gave him while he was growing in his momma because they wouldn't share the name with anyone. if i have to explain where we got leroy jenkins from, it would not be funny. just go with it. :)

congratulations sweet friends! we can't wait to meet this handsome little man. here's one of his first photos...so precious. he's a little guy, born 4 weeks early and weighing in at 5lbs 10oz.

liam, you have just been born to two amazing parents who love you very much. you have a strong group of family and friends who can't wait to support and love you all the days of your life! and your awesome big brother, jack is so excited his best friend has arrived! each life is a miracle and yours is nothing short of one. may God bless you all the days of your life. much love!! xoxo

project 365 - day 9

2011-01-09T13:00:00.004-05:00

thankful for grandma minnie

today i am thankful for grandma minnie schmidt! today is her birthday and she is 80+ (not sure she wants me to tell exactly how old she is!) doesn't she look fabulous? she is pictured here with ken's brother tony who is holding 2-month-old kennedy.

grandma minnie is ken's maternal grandmother and his only living grandparent. we thought grandma minnie had a heart attack about a month ago. it turned out she had a decreased heart rate and had to have a pacemaker put in. we were all so thankful that she was ok. so today i am thankful for grandma minnie's life and the strong foundation she is in our family. she is very active and joyful, and family is a very important aspect of her life.

back in november we dedicated kennedy at our church. we were so honored that she was the most recent grandchild (out of 20-something) who was able to wear this special baptismal gown. it was made from grandma minnie's wedding dress. while grandma wasn't able to make the trip here, we know she was with us in spirit. we stood before God and our family and friends and committed ourselves to raising our daughter to know Jesus. it was so special to us that we were able to do this while kennedy wore this dress because of the important role faith is in grandma minnie's life. we will always cherish this memory.

happy birthday grandma minnie! we love you so much!!

please pray for grayson brown

2011-01-09T05:59:00.007-05:00

hello prayer warriors,
would you please join me in praying for a 11-month-old little boy named grayson brown? he has been diagnosed with juvenile myelomonocytic leukemia (jmml). grayson has had a bone marrow transplant from his brother and is having several issues he still has to overcome. this little baby boy needs our prayers and a miracle from the Lord. please commit yourself to pray for him and if you would, please ask 1 other person you know to also be praying for him.

you can keep up to date with sweet grayson's condition via his blog at http://www.graysonbrown.blogspot.com/.

thanks prayer warrior friends. i knew i could count on you to pray!

project 365 - day 8

2011-01-08T05:36:00.049-05:00

thankful for family time and laughter

today we had one of those great, mostly lazy days (minus my 3 hour excursion to the grocery store and target). i got up with kennedy at 6:30 and while taking her bottle she fell back asleep, which she sometimes does if she wakes before 7:30. she was fast asleep by 7am and i was too by 7:10. it was great to go back to sleep since i was tired from watching the texas a&m vs. lsu cotton bowl game from the night before. when kennedy woke at 8:30 ken got up with her while i tried to go back to sleep. i couldn't so i got up and i joined ken and kennedy playing in the game room. i love our game room because it's bright and cheery and this particular saturday morning it was snowing.

it took me a minute to realize but ken's choice of wardrobe for kennedy was hilarious. he had her in a nice turtleneck that normally goes under a fancy gymboree dress she was given. instead, over the turtleneck he put striped, unmatching white, yellow and green pants on her that stopped at her calves. i thought i had put away all of her 6 month or under clothes but i didn't. ken put these 0-3 month pants on her and they looked like capris. since she has a skinny little waste (unlike her momma) she was able to fit into them, nevermind that they were 6 inches too short. all of this topped off by these awesome pink and white plaid socks. this outfit, and just thinking about my husband trying hard to come up with matching clothes to dress our daughter makes me laugh, HARD! see below ~ evidence of the rockin' threads! :)

ken then made us swedish pancakes and we had the yummy raspberry sauce and choke cherry syrup his mom sent us from north dakota. we also had eggs over easy and bacon. don't you think everything is better with bacon? well, i do! kennedy had a good long morning nap and we all stayed in our pj's until noon.

i am thankful on this cold, snowy day i was able to spend the morning with my wonderful family. and this laugh...it just doesn't get any better!

** having trouble uploading the video...will try again later.

project 365 - day 7

2011-01-07T15:37:00.000-05:00

thankful for acknowledgement

today i am thankful for all of the text messages, facebook messages, emails and phone calls we received yesterday in recognition of our son's birthday. we have such sweet wonderful friends and family. you will never know how much it means to us for matthew's birthday (and his angel day) to be recognized. acknowledgement is the greatest gift you could give us because it means you care, you still think about him, and most of all...it confirms what we already know ~ his sweet, short life mattered. his life had weight in this world. thank you so much for the gift of acknowledgement. we love you all!

matthew's 2nd birthday celebration in pictures

2011-01-06T17:49:00.000-05:00

ken came home early from work today and we went to seabee park and released balloons for matthew's 2nd birthday. it was freezing outside but kennedy was a trooper. the naval academy and chesapeake bay are in the background of the pictures. afterwards we went to pick up take out texas bbq brisket and i made some rudy's corn (if you don't know what this is, you are missing out!) the texas meal made me feel like i was in texas, which is where i wish i was today. i wish i had had the opportunity to visit matthew's grave but i'm so thankful for my friend diane who went there for us. after dinner we had some of matthew's ice cream cake and it was yummy! happy 2nd birthday sweet son!! we love you so much. love, mommy, daddy, and your little sister.

project 365 - day 6...our sweet matthew's 2nd birthday

2011-01-06T15:25:00.000-05:00

thankful for my precious son

today i am thankful for the privilege it was to give birth to our firstborn~our sweet precious son, matthew phillip. i am thankful that out of all the people in the world, God chose me to be his mom and give him life.

of course this 2nd birthday is bittersweet because we would much rather have him here blowing out his own candles. we would rather be a family of 4 celebrating his special day instead of a family who will be missing a member at the dinner table tonight. i dream of what it would be like to bring the cake over to the table tonight and have kennedy stare at her big brother wondering what the glimmering lights are on the cake. his perfect birthday celebration is one that is only in my dreams.

but in reality, he IS having the perfect birthday celebration with Jesus. this perfect reality is one that i cannot understand because i am temporarily here in this world. my idea of perfect is to have him here with me, complete with candles, #2 balloons and sweet little smiles, hugs, and kisses all the days of my life. but God's perfect plan for His children is to be with Him in heaven. my son just got an early ticket there. when i think of the happiest day of my life and realize each day of my sweet son's life is infinitely better than my best day, i am comforted. he knows no pain, sadness, humiliation, depression, embarrassment, or anger. there with his Heavenly Father, my son knows only joy, fulfillment, and happiness each and every day of his life.

happy 2nd birthday sweet son!

tonight we will be celebrating your birthday with your sister and mommy got you an ice cream cake! we love you so much and are so proud God gave us your precious life on this day two years ago. what a privilege it is to be your parents. only love, my son. only love...

project 365 - day 5

2011-01-04T21:06:00.000-05:00

good health

today i am thankful for my health. and while i sit and watch the biggest loser on my dvr, i'm thankful for this show and what it does to inspire me to make healthier choices. i do need to lose this baby weight, but i am thankful i am healthy. i have known several people to get sick at an early age with major illnesses such as cancer and i am so thankful that so far God has granted me good health.

i pray for continued good health this coming year for me, my family, my friends, and you reading this blog right now.

project 365 - day 4

2011-01-04T15:02:00.002-05:00

life's little miracles!

i am so thankful that today marks 9 months of pure joy i have had with our sweet daughter, kennedy grace. every single day i get to wake up to this sweet face.

i never knew i could be so in love with someone. kennedy grace has brought back a joy i never knew i could have; a joy i thought i would never have again. i am so thankful for this gift of life that Jesus has given me.

sweet girl, you are such blessing. even though there have been some sleepless nights and subsequent difficult days, each moment has been worth it. you are such a special treasure to me and your daddy, not to mention all of your grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. we love you so much!

i have also just learned about the births of 2 of our friend's babies. welcome piper joy ward and andrew jason (a.j.) smith! i am so thankful for the miracle that both of your lives are! congratulations ashley and geoff, and dawn and jason. enjoy these sweet days bonding your growing family! much love to you all!

marked by love necklace

2011-01-03T14:09:00.000-05:00

this awesome jewelry designer, lisa leonard made this beautiful necklace "marked by love" in memory of angie smith's little girl, audrey caroline. i was so excited to find out about it that i ordered one for myself today. i had it engraved with 'xo matthew phillip' on the back.

i have a beautiful tiny little topaz ring that a close friend's mom gave me that i wear on a gold chain, but i have also been looking for something silver and a little more casual to wear in remembrance of my son. this is perfect! i'm so glad i found this perfect little gift just before matthew phillip's second birthday. i can't wait until it arrives and i can start wearing it.

if you know someone who has lost a child, this is the perfect gift to give them.

check out all of lisa leonard's jewelry. she is a very talented designer.