Wednesday, January 11, 2012

three years without you...

dear matthew phillip,

three years ago, i had to say goodbye for as long as i'm on this side of heaven. that was a hard thing to do because i wanted to keep being your mommy here on earth. God had different plans for your life and so i had to accept this and be a mommy who had a son in heaven.

it's not been an easy road these last three years. i look at our christmas card with me holding morgan and daddy holding kennedy and wonder, "which one of us would be holding you?"

i know you probably don't understand my sadness because there in heaven there is no sadness or pain. you have this glorious place to live and when i get there i'll understand. but in the mean time, stuck on this earth, sometimes i just miss that you're not here growing up here and being apart of our family.

i'm not really sure i ever really lived before you came into my life. now that you are gone i feel joy like a blind person seeing light for the first time and i feel heartache like it's going to suffocate me. i try to love people like it's the last day i'm going to see them. i just feel everything so much more than i ever did before.

you gave my life new meaning precious son. for this i will always be so grateful.

i'm proud to be your mama, even if it is from the cheap seats. one day, you will walk me through the splendor and glory of heaven and all of the sadness i ever felt because we were apart, will never be felt again. it's that day that will be a perfect day. it's when my broken heart will be whole again.

i love you so very, very much my beautiful and precious son.
~ your mama

No comments: