Wednesday, January 11, 2012

three years without you...

dear matthew phillip,

three years ago, i had to say goodbye for as long as i'm on this side of heaven. that was a hard thing to do because i wanted to keep being your mommy here on earth. God had different plans for your life and so i had to accept this and be a mommy who had a son in heaven.

it's not been an easy road these last three years. i look at our christmas card with me holding morgan and daddy holding kennedy and wonder, "which one of us would be holding you?"

i know you probably don't understand my sadness because there in heaven there is no sadness or pain. you have this glorious place to live and when i get there i'll understand. but in the mean time, stuck on this earth, sometimes i just miss that you're not here growing up here and being apart of our family.

i'm not really sure i ever really lived before you came into my life. now that you are gone i feel joy like a blind person seeing light for the first time and i feel heartache like it's going to suffocate me. i try to love people like it's the last day i'm going to see them. i just feel everything so much more than i ever did before.

you gave my life new meaning precious son. for this i will always be so grateful.

i'm proud to be your mama, even if it is from the cheap seats. one day, you will walk me through the splendor and glory of heaven and all of the sadness i ever felt because we were apart, will never be felt again. it's that day that will be a perfect day. it's when my broken heart will be whole again.

i love you so very, very much my beautiful and precious son.
~ your mama

Sunday, January 8, 2012

a helluva job

i just read one of most honest, realistic, and amazing posts on parenting. check it out here.

as I was reading, i thought to myself, “is it ok to have the same feelings as her? i mean, i have buried a child; i should be thankful for every. single. moment. right? i can’t possibly admit that some days my favorite part of the day is when I have the rare moment of both girls sleeping and while sipping on a glass of wine, i peruse facebook while simultaneously planning a figi island vacation that I pretend I will take the next day...or can i?

i can tell you that I am writing this blog post from the comfort of a leather chair at panera bread and my girls are most certainly not with me. i ran out the door as my mom was coming in. in fact the few things she needed to know about their routine today, i texted them to her. after my toddler screamed through eating barely any of her lunch and her 3-month-old sister decided to join in on the screaming game, I had to high-tail it outta there. this is after it took 2.5 hours getting us all ready to go to church for the first time, which went surprisingly well, if you don’t take into consideration how freaked out the guy in the pew next to me was when I had to breastfeed morgan. (under a cover even!)

so yes, I sped out of the house like my pants were on fire. do you know what I mean? well, you only really know what I mean if you have the privilege of being a stay-at-home mom.

don’t get me wrong. I love that we are in a financial position so that I can stay at home. but some days, you just gotta run out the door. a full on…RUN!

since I have been a “single” mom these last 2+ months I have needed those runs even more. thankfully I have the family around that I can get a break every now and again.

does that make me a bad parent? I sure hope not. it’s funny…sometimes when I’m out for a couple of hours sipping a latte and strolling down the aisles of Target not needing anything but picking up everything, even if just to touch it, I start to miss them and want to get home fast! well…not really, but i don’t want you to think i don’t love my kiddos. J

I do love my kids more than anything and truly, the one time i was away from kennedy for 9 days, i did miss her a ton. but the brief 2-3 hour breaks i take to go grocery shopping in peace or plop down with my laptop and just write, i don’t miss them. i realize what I need occasionally is time to myself.

I caught an interview with the obama’s recently and michelle said one of the most essential things that makes their family work is making sure she gets time for herself, first and foremost. my first thought was, “how selfish, you’re a mom!” but as I listened to her and thought about it several times since then, I think she is kind of right. one of the ways she takes time for herself is working out. and I know I need to do that for myself too. during workouts I hate it; but afterwards I always feel so much better.

when I take time to sit in a coffee shop and write, I am very happy. So I know I need to do it as often as possible. When ken was here, he gave me that gift almost every week.

as I reflect on missing my son this week since we celebrated his birthday just a couple of days ago and his angelversary is coming up on the 11th, i almost feel guilty admitting that parenting is a “helluva job” as glennon from her momastery blog puts it. i AM grateful to be doing it. but right now, I am equally as grateful when it turns 7pm and instead of being outnumbered, I’m 1 on 1. certainly my job when I was working in nyc was the most demanding of my 10+ year corporate career, because of the long hours and fast pace. but parenting my two girls is at least 10 times harder. and i would take this job over the one in downtown manhattan any day.

the rewarding and precious moments though…they are priceless. i mean who couldn’t love a 21-month-old who learns how to take off her diaper and smear poop all over her crib? :)

seriously though, the moment where she lights up opening her 4-foot cardboard cutout of daddy while he is deployed is priceless. the way she cuddles up to him and laughs and giggles as she scoots around on it, warms my heart. and suddenly I forget the smeared poop and the screaming tantrums. right then and there, I realize I have the best job in the world. being her mommy. I’ll take 10 smeared poop episodes to have this one precious moment. i wouldn’t want to miss it!

but don’t think for a second, at the end of the next day, I won’t be counting down the minutes until 7 p.m. occasionally, i might even be guilty of changing the time on the clock when she’s not looking! J

one more thing…please do me a favor. find a single mom or a mom who’s husband is deployed and immediately schedule a time to watch her kids to give her a break. like next weekend! i am sure you can spare a saturday night without your husband and kids to give her the gift of a night off.  It will mean more to her than she will ever be able to tell you.

and to the husbands who travel a lot leaving your wife and kids alone A LOT, get on the computer right now, find the best hotel/spa within an hour of your house and book her an overnight away, complete with breakfast in bed served at noon.

i am so thankful for my family who gives me little breaks to have time for myself! If it were not for them, i would probably not survive 2012.
parenting IS a helluva job...and i'm proud to be doing it. :)

Friday, January 6, 2012

turning 3

happy birthday to our precious son, matthew phillip. we love you so very much and even still, the missing does not get any easier around this time of year. i still remember the day you made me a mommy like it was yesterday. some days i wish i could hang onto that day forever.

i look around the play room watching your two sisters and wish you could be here with them. i know kennedy would especially love playing with her big brother! all of our sadness with not having you here on earth, thankfully, does not end there. we are comforted knowing that one day we will have a sweet reunion with you in heaven. what a glorious day that will be.

you make me so proud sweet baby boy. i love you so very, very much. ~ your mama