Wednesday, July 20, 2011

M. I. A.

yep, that's me. the missing-in-action blogger. i just rolled over to 2 months of not one. single. entry.

i was completely aware i had not been doing any kind of writing; blogging, journaling or working on my book; but i was unwilling to admit why.

until yesterday when i was in my counseling session.

i.really.miss.my.son.

i didn't want to get on here and write and write about how much i missed him because i thought 'it's been 2.5 years already...no one wants me to go on and on and dwell on how much i miss my son.'

i've had more encounters with strangers in the last few months than i can count. they've gone a little something like this:
"wow, when are you due? they are going to be close in age. you're going to have your hands full!"

i wanted to respond with an annoying glare and say "well, i should have 3 kids, age 2 and under. now that would be 'hands full!'" and walk away. thankfully with each and every encounter, i maintained composure and grace, smiled, and said something like, "yes, i know, it will be great!"

before matthew, i dealt with grief linearily. i did not have a lot of experience with grief prior to losing my son but with the losses i had in my life; parents divorce, grandparents' deaths, cousin's death, and my best friend matt's death, i grieved, shelved it, and moved on. the hardest one for me that lingered for a bit was matt's death but after some time, i accepted and moved forward. but i didn't have days where i would cry and cry. i never felt like the grief was lingering. my measurement of how i was doing with said grief event was weather i had "gotten over it."

please don't think i'm cold and insensitive. each of these losses hurt me deeply. but when bad things happened, i had a pattern of grieving and...then moving on. i didn't allow myself to revisit the sadness. i just got on with it.

after losing matthew i came to understand through counseling that the grief process was meant to be lived in stages. although i am now in the acceptance stage 2.5 years later, i've had to get used to the fact that matthew's death is one that i will never completely get over. and that's ok.

now when life becomes stressful or hard, the grief of losing matthew may attach itself and hurt some. it's just a fact.

we have many changes coming up in the next few months and these things do not come without stress. we'll be having our 3rd child, sending my husband off to war in afghanistan, and moving to arkansas all within a month's time. and all the prepping that comes with that, finding a renter for our home, packing, etc. is just icing on the cake.

i would appreciate your prayers for my family during the coming months. the community of people who read this blog have always been so wonderful to me and my family and i feel very comfortable in asking you all to pray for us.

i know God will provide for all of our needs and He doesn't want us to stress. it's tough to die to myself and trust the One who can handle all the details. but i know, He can.

now that i've come clean on the reasons behind my m.i.a. status, i'll try and get on here more often when i'm not chasing a 15-month-old or napping from chasing said child. and while i would love to continue with project 365, i just don't think i will be able to keep up daily. certainly i will write about the things i am thankful for in my life because i do feel like it changed my perspective on life. and i'll need to share a cute picture or two of my growing-too-fast 15-month-old that amazes me each day! and yet, sometimes i'll just need to get on here and share. sometimes i'll just need to write about how much i miss my son. i hope that's ok.

thank you dear friends for all of your prayers and encouragement!
xoxo

1 comment:

Carly said...

You're in my thoughts and prayers. I have some good resourses for deployment w/ a little one if you want them. I'm sure you'll get some from your FRG, but I can pass on what I have to you if you'd like.