march for babies walk
the purple beads
this morning we walked with 4 other families in our 2nd march for babies walk in memory of our precious son, matthew phillip. we were so humbled to have our team of 19 strong honor our son in this special way.
i went over to the family tent to change kennedy's diaper before the race and a volunteer recognized me from last year because we hung out the whole walk, since my doctor wouldn't let me participate 3 weeks post c-section. she introduced me to another volunteer and told him how she met me last year when kennedy was just 3 weeks old. he presumed we were walking because of her and went to go get some purple beads, which signifies a nicu baby born too soon, but one who had survived. when he was bringing them back to me, ann said, "oh no, cortney needs the white ones for her team. they're walking in memory of their son matthew phillip and pointed to my t-shirt bearing the words, 'team matthew phillip'." she asked me how many i needed and i said 19. tears were on the brink of filling up my eyes and i didn't want the guy to feel bad because he got the purple beads. i told them i had to run meet my team so he wouldn't see me cry and quickly said my goodbyes.
i started walking back and i just let the tears fall. i told God i wasn't happy about wearing the white beads.
i just want the purple ones. i want him back.
i pulled it together enough to rejoin the group, but more tears fell while a family got up on stage and introduced their daughter who had spent 3 months in the nicu.
i don't want to be here walking...i just want one more day with him.
i was so honored to have our friends come out on a rainy day and walk for matthew. i just wished we were all getting together for breakfast or something...not doing this.
my doctor wasn't a big fan of me walking the whole 4 miles so i bid them farewell at the start of the walk and met up with them for the last mile. by the end of the walk, i felt peace, and healing took over where my anger and sadness once were.
God's in the business of peace, healing, and restoration...we just have to be honest with where we are and ask Him to meet us right there.
a huge thank you to the lindoerfer's, peace's, donaghey's and wainwright's for getting up early, battling the rain, and walking with us today. we love you all and were so honored to have you join us! also, a big thanks to everyone who donated to our team ~ we surpassed our goal and raised $2,110. i was especially grateful for emily and brady getting $5 each from their piggy banks and giving it to me this morning.
it melted my heart.