project 365 - day 130

sunday was mother's day and we had a beautiful day together. i slept in and kennedy and ken made pancakes and woke me up when they were ready. then we went to church and had a nice lunch downtown. both kennedy and i needed a nap afterwards but when we woke we headed to the park for some swingin' and slidin'. it was a fantastic day! i didn't have to change one single diaper or cook anything. i also got a half day at a spa to include a pregnancy massage, facial and pedi from ken. score!

i don't want to pretend that mother's day isn't a hard day for me because it is. but this year, i had it all out 2 days before. friday night i was really emotional and couldn't really pinpoint the reason. then i realized it was mother's day weekend and i had to face another holiday where i would be reminded that i am a mother of 2 with one on the way, but the only child i have living here on earth is kennedy. for any mother who has lost a child, it is a bittersweet day. your heart longs for a completed family but you know that isn't possible until you get to heaven.

on friday i realized i was taking it out on ken when i told him he was working too much on the boat and not spending enough time with us. i even went as far as telling him i hated the boat and asked him how much insurance money we'd get if i blew it up. i was only half joking. while crying i also told him about something that really hurt my feelings involving matthew. as i started talking, i just lost it. my husband was patient and caring enough to know i was just having a moment, that he needed to just listen and not fix it, and that i wasn't really going to go blow up the boat!

sometimes i just miss my son. nothing will change that and nothing will make it better. i just have to take a moment, and i can assure you, no matter how emotional or irrational i might get, i won't be blowing up any boats. by sunday i was ready to have a good day...i didn't want it to be sad at all. then we got to church and they read a pslams that had been very difficult for me after losing matthew. it was psalms 13 where david cries out, "Lord, how long will you forget me? he pleads, "give light to my eyes or i will sleep in death." tears just filled my eyes and i let them spill over. i said something to God along the lines of "are you kidding me...i want to have a good day, not a sad one!" i whispered to ken about why i was crying and he grabbed my hand. by the end of the service i was determined to have a beautiful day...and i did.

i think what i learned is that no matter what i plan, there may be a moment or two i can't control things. what i feel i have to feel. and that's ok with me. God has created me to be the person i am and it's someone who can't really suppress feelings and fake it. i'm good with that.

here are a few pictures of my beautiful kids...

matthew phillip

kennedy grace

lil' bean