today i had a scare with my pregnancy when i started bleeding and cramping. i texted ken at work and asked him to come home right away while i waited to hear from the doctor. i sat on the couch trying to watch kennedy play while thinking the worst-case scenario was happening. i was terrified i was losing the baby.
i heard back from the nurse and they wanted me to come in right away. as i was pulling out of the driveway, ken pulled up and we headed to the doctor's office. as soon as i arrived, they whisked me back to the sonographer while ken and kennedy parked the car. i laid down on the table and started crying. i told the sonographer i couldn't lose this baby too and she gave me a hug and tried to console me. she didn't know the story of matthew since she wasn't my doctor, but i briefly told her about him. she had genuine sympathy in her words and actions and i was comforted by her kindness. the midwife joined us in the room and the sonographer began the ultrasound.
i looked on the screen and saw the fast unmistakable movement and said "the heartbeat..." as tears rolled down my face. i couldn't get any more words out for several minutes. the sonographer moved the probe all around and couldn't find any source for the bleeding which she said was a good sign. the midwife explained that some people just bleed during pregnancy but it was good that i came in to get checked out. i explained i had bleeding with kennedy twice and matthew 4-5 times, one of which was a small placenta separation. this time it was more blood than i had had previously, accompanied by cramping so i thought i was having a miscarriage. finally the midwife went to get ken and kennedy and we showed them the baby on the screen. 'lil bean was moving all around and measured at 11 weeks. it was a moment full of joy that gave us hope. and a moment full of relief that dissipated our worst fears. i left the doctor's office with orders to be on bedrest (as much as i could) for a few days.
as soon as we got home a dear friend who was back in town for a few days came over for lunch. during lunch kennedy started acting fussy and when i checked her temperature it was 102.8. i called the doctor and got her an appointment later that afternoon. we saw a nurse practitioner who we had never seen before and she said it was a virus. we went home and kennedy finally took a nap.
ken worked from home the rest of the day so i also laid down and took a nap. before i fell asleep i had a real honest conversation with God. i cried tears of frustration to Him and asked why pregnancy had to be so hard. i felt like i just laid there with no answer and i cried more tears. but then i had an overwhemling realization the lives i've carried and the one that grows inside me now are truly miracles. i stopped feeling sorry for myself and being afraid and angry about pregnancy being difficult for me, and just thanked Jesus for the miracles i have experienced, and the one i am currently apart of.
i am so thankful that everything was ok today. actually, thankful doesn't begin to describe it.
i asked God to help me trust that this life growing inside me will be a baby we can bring home in the fall. i think this is a prayer i prayed almost every day i was pregnant with kennedy. it's a prayer i still continue to pray now...will you pray it with me?