Thursday, November 25, 2010

thankfulness

wow, how did more than a month go by and not a single blog entry?

hmmm...it's probably because i always have photography class homework and a 7 3/4 month-old who doesn't like to nap very long! but i have my final next monday night and i'm working on the nap training. pray for us!

today is one of my favorite days of the year--thanksgiving. a day to relfect on our many blessings and be thankful. and all week, as i geared up to thanksgiving day, i was in a bit of a funk. i really couldn't pinpoint what was wrong and then it just hit me...

the holidays are tough.

when you have lost a child, they just are. in several more years, it won't be as hard as it is right now. i can only say this because i don't feel as sad this year as i did last year. i remember last year, our first without our precious matthew, was tough. really, really tough. i think the holidays are especially hard because just after christmas, we have matthew's birthday on jan. 6 and his angel day just 5 days later.

i decided to start making a list of what i was thankful for and suddenly my mood of being sad without my son here with me, changed to being thankful for all that God has given me. i decided to take my focus off of what he has allowed to be taken, and cherish all that he has given. a beautiful, adorable daughter. a kind, loving husband. a loyal, sweet family. genuine, precious friends. i would say this is a blessed life indeed.

then i couldn't help but think about a question i was asked when i was 7 months pregnant with kennedy...

do you ever think you'll be thankful you lost your sweet matthew?

at first i wanted to launch a rock in the general direction of the person asking it. she probably could tell by the horrible look i gave her i was about to start screaming. she quickly added:

what i meant is, "do you think you'll ever be able to be thankful you only had him for 5 days on this earth?"

my mother's gut reaction was a quick, emfantic, "no!"

but what this person was trying to ask me, as we both looked down at my rounded 7-month pregnant belly, was if i would ever be able to get past the grief of losing matthew, be thankful for his short life, and thankful for all the blessings thereafter.

she wanted to know when i was further down the grief road and hopefully a more thankful person, would i be able to be thankful i lost him?

i don't know if i will ever be "thankful" i had to give back my sweet boy. that's a really tough place to be. but i am thankful because of him, i am more thankful of the blessings i do have in my life. and certainly, my son has made me a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend.

i have much to be thankful for. i am so incredibly blessed and i am continually amazed God still chooses me. i have been given much. maybe some would say it's been costly for me.

but i say the loving creator of the universe paid a high price for me. for ME! with all of my flaws and inadequacies...he chose me.

may you find your list of blessings, even when it's hard to see them.