Sunday, March 28, 2010

37 weeks

wow. the Lord is good. how many times did i doubt that i would make it this far? more than i care to admit. our prayers all along were to go to full-term. 37 weeks is considered full-term and we made it!! thank you Lord. however, we did revise our prayers several weeks ago asking that we go all the way to my scheduled c-section date of april 12 which is 39w + 1d. a couple reasons for this are so that my parents will be here and because i am very comfortable with my doctor. any other day that i go into labor between now and then would be with the doctor on call.

every day i get to carry this baby is a "yay God" moment for us. every day increases my belief that the Lord will allow us to take this baby home and become parents. matthew made us a mommy and a daddy but 'lil bug will take us into parenthood.

does that mean i don't have any fears of things that could go wrong between now and the day of the birth? absolutely not. but when i have those fears that creep into my mind i just have to give them over to the Lord.

"do not fear for I am with you..." isaiah 41:10

thank you for all of your prayers for this child. i am overwhelmed at the number of people that have prayed for us these last 9 months. i can't wait to tell 'lil bug about all the people out there that prayed for him/her. you all are such a special part of our family and our story.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

the mother poem

i came across this poem and thought i would share it with you. it describes how i have felt most days since january 11, 2009 when my angel went to be with Jesus. i was so ready to take on the mommy role long before matthew came. when he arrived i was so excited for the change and blessing he would bring to our lives. we had no idea that five days later that change meant we had to let go and give our son back to Jesus; and the dreams of being parents would have to be delayed even longer.

..."the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21

the proof of being a mommy might not be visible to the stranger i pass on the street, but in my heart i know i am. matthew made us a mommy and daddy, and 'lil bug, God-willing, will finally make our dreams of becoming parents true.

to all of the babyloss moms out there, especially the ones who do not have other children as "proof" of motherhood, this poem is for you. much love, my friends...

the mother poem

i thought of you and closed my eyes,
and prayed to God today.
i asked what makes a mother?
and i know i heard him say:
a mother has a baby
this we know is true
but God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?
yes, you can He replied,
with confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice.
some I send for a lifetime,
and others for a day.
and some I send to fill your womb,
but there's no need to stay.
i just don't understand this God,
i want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat,
and then i saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
what your child is doing today,
if you could see your child smile,
with other children who say:
we go to earth and learn our lessons,
of love and life and fear.
my mommy loved me oh so much,
i got to come straight here.
i feel so lucky to have a mom,
who had so much love for me.
i learned my lessons very quickly,
my mommy set me free.
i miss my mommy oh so much,
but i visit her each day.
when she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where i lay.
i stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
and whisper in her ear.
"mommy don't be sad today,
i'm your baby and i'm here."
so you see my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
your babies are here in My home,
they'll be at Heaven's gate for you.
so now you see what makes a mother.
it's the feeling in your heart.
it's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.
though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
they'll be up here with Me one day,
and you'll know that you're the best one!

~ author unknown

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

cake boss

tonight after cooking dinner my back was hurting so i asked ken to ice the cake. maybe it was the fact that he worked so hard on doing the dishes (there were lots and he's so sweet because he always does them), or maybe it was the margarita he had. the whole time he was icing he was yelling from the kitchen, "i'm the next cake boss!"

sure you are honey! my little pastry chef. :)

Thursday, March 18, 2010

lisa leonard jewelry

hi everyone, i follow angie smith's blog, bring the rain regularly. today i went on and she posted that lisa leonard was giving away 2 of her "marked by love - audrey's necklace". i entered on her website to hopefully win one for matthew phillip. if i blog about it, i get to enter twice!

check out her website. she makes beautiful jewelry and you can peruse her gallery by clicking on lisa's store at the top of the page.

cross your fingers that i win!

Monday, March 15, 2010

seabee ball 2010

i was not put on full bed rest last thursday so i was able to go to seabee ball this weekend. i'm supposed to be mindful of my limits and not do too much. today my limit seems to be right here on this couch! :)

we had a great time at the ball but had to leave early, and not because my back was killing me or a pregnancy emergency. my poor hubby came down with the stomach flu right after dinner. i spent the rest of the weekend taking care of him. his stomach was still a little shaky but he drove down to norfolk this morning for work. he'll be back on wednesday afternoon. hopefully after his meetings this afternoon he can go back to the hotel, rest and finally kick this thing for good. i was going to go with him but i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning. if you recall from my last post, i was not dilated last tuesday when i went to the hospital with contractions. however, at my appointment 2 days later on thursday, i was dilated to 1 cm. the doctor said i shouldn't be concerned. this could mean i could go in 2, 3 or 4 weeks (my scheduled c-section date, which is what we're hoping), but 2 weeks from now would be full-term at 37 weeks. we just want juju (my mom), and grandpa and grandma al (my dad and step-mom) to be able to be here for the birth. if i go into labor, they probably won't be able to make it in time.

i want to thank everyone for their fervent prayers for me and 'lil bug. i really believe they have made a difference and i am so glad you all are apart of this miracle. we love you so much!

35 weeks
ken's looking good despite that he came down with the stomach flu 30 mins after this
the president's band -- they were GREAT!

laura and i
laura bonding with 'lil bug
laura and steve
cambrai and i

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

belly shots; weeks 30-34

thought i would share a few belly shots over the last few weeks. when i went to the doctor last week he took the first estimate of the baby's weight. i was shocked that he said 'lil bug was almost 6 LBS! i told him i have 5 weeks to go and asked how big this baby will be. (the average size of a 34 week baby is 4.5-5 lbs.) he said some babies stop growing at 37 weeks and some don't. so we'll probably have a baby between 8-10 lbs!

yesterday afternoon i was at target and started to have really strong contractions; 6 in one hour. i called the doctor and they told me to go to labor and delivery to meet the on-call doctor. i was really scared. i kept praying, "lord, not now. this baby is not ready!" even though the baby's size is good, lungs are usually not fully mature until 37 weeks. ken rushed home from work and we were delighted to find out i was not dilated or in active labor, despite the contractions. after they loaded me up with lots of fluids, the contractions stopped. turns out, i was probably too dehydrated. i also had been running a bunch of errands which was a little more activity than normal for me. i got to go home after 3 hours and was put on bed rest for 2 days. i have my weekly appointment on thursday and the doctor will probably not continue my bed rest, but i will have to make sure and not do too much. please pray that 'lil bug will go to full term. i am 34 1/2 weeks right now. my bare minimum is 37 weeks, but i would like to go to my scheduled c-section date, april 12, so that it will be my doctor who i am very comfortable with. if i go any earlier than that day, it will be 1 of 12 doctors in the practice who is on call. i have only met 4 of them. your prayers for this little miracle mean so much to us!

cort - 30 weeks / deb - 33 weeks

32 weeks

34 weeks

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

february snow storm

i'm pretty behind on posting lately! here are some pictures of our record snowstorm in february. we got about 3 1/2 feet! at first it was lovely and beautiful. then after being stuck inside and not being able to drive anywhere for 4 days, i wanted to move back to texas! this was the fourth time it snowed this season and ken was ready to trade his shovel in for a snow plow!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


several weeks ago i had a dream that we were at a family reunion that occurs on my mom's side every 2 years. each person must check the book to make sure all of your family info is correct. i fully expected our last name to be spelled incorrectly, because most of the time it is. to my surprise, our surname was spelled correctly. to my horror, the only child listed under our names was 'lil bug. (for you curious minds out there, a boy's name was in the box.) i woke up sweating.

just a few days after this, i had a dream that my very good friend was introducing me to her friend. "this is cortney. she has 3 children ages 3-7." i was shocked. i corrected her and said that i had 4 children but my eldest was in heaven. the look on my friend's face was complete embarassment and i knew she felt bad. i woke up that morning feeling sad.

i think the reason i have had these dreams is that i fear people will eventually forget matthew phillip. i know that ken and i never will. there isn't a day we don't think about him and most days we talk about him. but for others, i know it's not something they think about often. after all, it's been 14 months since they were stumbling to find the words to comfort us and 14 months since they looked at that tiny casket.

when a child is lost later in life, one will have known that child's personality and have good memories to share and comfort the family and themselves. when a child goes to heaven after 5 days, there was no time to see them laugh or cry, or to truly get to know them.

to accept that i didn't really know my child is very hard. so i deal with this by imagining what matthew would have been like. he was a spitting image of ken so i like to think he would have had my personality. i think he would have been a pretty good baby and an early walker. he would have loved to smile at people and would have easily accepted new faces rather than be scared by them. he had brown hair and his eyes would have probably turned light blue; a good-lookin' kid if i do say so myself.

of course i don't know if all of these things would be true but it comforts me to imagine what my child would be like.

i think one of the main reasons i fear matthew being forgotten is because of 'lil bug that grows inside of me. most people just ask about this baby. very few still ask about our first-born. just because a new life grows inside me doesn't mean that i don't want to talk about the child i lost. i know that it's not an easy subject for others to bring up, so i try to work matthew in conversation as much as i can.

i just want him to matter to others.

one of the things i struggle with is how to honor matthew's memory in our home and in our lives once we have more children. i know that we will honor his birthday each year in a special way. and if possible we would like to walk each year in the march of dimes walk for babies in his memory. certainly my children will know they have a big brother in heaven early on because we will talk about matthew to them. but i wonder, what else can we do to remember our son?

if you have an idea of how we can incorporate matthew's memory into an event or everyday life, i would love to hear from you. please leave a comment or send me an email.