Tuesday, January 26, 2010

28 weeks + 2 days

today i have been pregnant 28 weeks and 2 days. at the end of the day i rejoiced.

i carried matthew 28 weeks and 1 day.

every day i get to carry this little miracle is a blessing to me, no matter the back pain, heart burn, and swelling. please pray i can carry to full term.

Friday, January 22, 2010


i was shopping at target and saw this. i have to say i was tempted to buy it. if it had been like $15, i would definitely have thrown it in my basket, but 30 bucks? i am amazed they have something like this out there.
lately i have been really curious about the baby's gender. i think i have posted before that i used to think it's a girl. but then a few things have taken place that make me think it's a boy. to be honest, i was scared. what if it is a boy? will that be sad for me? i took my concerns to my counselor and we talked it through and what reactions i might have.
since i have not held another boy since holding matthew at the funeral home, she suggested i hold a boy. my friend from bible study was very understanding and we scheduled a time for me to come over. i wasn't sure if i would cry or what. but when i got there, it was just like holding other baby girls i have held since matthew. he didn't look like matthew or remind me of him. and he was not mine. surprisingly it was way easier than i thought it would be.
so i talked with my counselor again and felt like i would be okay either way. i'm going to love this child no matter...i know that to be true. and whether it's a boy or a girl, it will be a little sad that he/she will not have his/her big brother here on this earth.
one thing is certain, God has created this child with his/her own personality and looks. and the cool thing is that He has created this child to be EXACTLY what ken and i both need.
now that's comforting.
we'll meet 'lil bug in 80 days. we can't wait! please keep praying for our little miracle.

Monday, January 11, 2010

matthew's angel day ~ jan. 11

we spent the morning at matthew's grave crying, praying, and remembering. this summer we put a folder at the grave with notecards and a pen. we had a note inviting anyone who sat on matthew's bench to write their thoughts or feelings. we had a few notes that were written by other mothers who had lost their children buried only a few feet away from matthew. we read these notes and were thankful for matthew's life.

i told matthew how he was going to be a big brother in 3 1/2 months. oh how i wished he were going to be here to meet 'lil bug. more tears...

then i cried out to God and said quite loudly, "Lord i can't handle another 2009. i need 2010 to be different. i need you to bless our family and show us how much you love us. i love you and have made it through this. please show me how to best serve you this year."

we flew out later that day and i started thinking more about what jesus wants for my life this year. rather than come up with new year's resolutions and things i should stop or start, i decided to start focusing on what God wants me to do with my life.

have you thought about what jesus wants you to do with your life in 2010?

this is going to be an ongoing process for me to figure out.

i can start by knowing that the Lord wants me to experience joy and not be afraid of it. to trust him that this baby will be ok and that we will bring 'lil bug home. to be able to feel joy in the middle of a broken heart and not feel guilty.

another one is to not be afraid to make new friendships. since returning from the states, i have been pretty content with not making new friendships, even while living in a new city the past 6 months. for those of you that know me well, you know this doesn't sound like me at all! the main reason was that i had a sad story and thought most people were afraid of it. they didn't know what to say or do around me and would avoid me because of it. i have found this to be the case with a few people but i know there are others i have met that truly do care. so i'm going to take initiative and not be afraid of developing new friendships.

these are just a couple of things to get started. i've decided to sit back and listen and see what He wants from me...

why not try it for yourself?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

happy 1st birthday matthew phillip!

Launching balloons in honor of our son, Matthew Phillip Schwalbe's first birthday, January 6, 2010.

dear matthew phillip,

today we celebrated your first birthday. while we weren't able to hold you, see you dive into a cake and help you open your first presents, we imagine your party in heaven was incredible. with uncle matthew and uncle phillip at your side, i'm sure they threw you a fun party. and i know jesus is a much better host than we could ever be. however we missed being able to have this experience with you.

we sent all of your friends and family balloons we had printed up and they were launched all around the world in honor of you. your daddy and i went to your grave in austin and gathered with some friends. we read a scripture about you and what heaven is like and then we all launched our balloons. we stood there watching until we couldn't see them anymore. afterwards we all went out to lunch.

sweet son, we miss you more than i can describe. it's hard to be without you on this earth. sometimes i think if i could just hold you once it would make me feel so much better. if i could just see you look at me so you would know your mother's love, it would make a difference. i know you look down on me and wonder why i cry because heaven is so incredible. it's just because i know what a special boy you are and want you to be with me. one day i'll know what you mean about how amazing heaven is.

we love you so much precious son. happy first birthday!

love, mommy and daddy

Monday, January 4, 2010

approaching one year

when i think about this coming wednesday, jan. 6, i can't believe it's been a year since our sweet matthew phillip was born.

actually when i think about it, i can't catch my breath.

we got through the holidays, without many tears i might add, and it wasn't as sad as i anticipated it to be. but then like a freight train, it all it me this morning. i cried and cried and whaled and whaled at the realization that i would be leaving tomorrow to go to austin to celebrate my son's first birthday. not with a party, a pony and seeing him devour a cake. but instead at his grave, launching balloons to heaven where he is.

we miss matthew so much and it makes me heart actually ache. today i felt sick to my stomach and i'm pretty sure it was nothing to do with the pregnancy and everything to do with missing my boy.

i think about 'lil bug and how he or she won't have his big brother here to show him/her the ropes and it breaks my heart. we were watching wheel of fortune tonight and in the introductions, the marine said he had 2 girls,"katie who is 5 and lilly who is our angel in heaven." i burst into tears. yet another family who has experienced this kind of loss and heartache.

one way or another, we will find strength in the Lord to gather at matthew's grave on wednesday and celebrate with friends as we launch balloons in his memory.

one way or another i will be able to make it through the day.