Thursday, October 14, 2010

living someone else's life...

have you every felt like you are just not yourself lately?

of course you have.

but how about.... have you ever felt like you are just not yourself in say, like the last 34 years???

on my birthday weekend this year, my friend joni paid me the greatest, but yet most confusing and intriguing compliment.

"i feel like you are getting back to who you were in college."


i thought for a little while and realized i was many different girls in college:

- an ok student......a crappy student.
- an enthusiastic-living-for-jesus christian.......a party-girl who wouldn't know christian if it hit her in the head.
- a girl who clung to a "private" struggle with bulimia and anorexia.......a girl who publicly collapsed on the steps of the business school.
- a girl who cared about others deeply....a girl who could care less about herself or others.
- a girl full of insecurity....a girl full of confidence.
- a girl who cared what everyone thought......a girl who didn't give a damn.

well....i wonder which girl she meant???

the ironic part of this is, the girl full of insecurity who cared about what everyone thought was the girl who was walking closely with the Lord. i was pursuing Christ. i was engaging Him. i was learning about my Father.

certainly i was "doing" all of the things that christians are supposed to do. especially when leading others, which i was doing as a young life leader.

however, the key thing here...

i TOTALLY, COMPLETELY, MISSED what God's grace actually meant in my life.

did you get that? i had no idea what the actual definition of grace was!!

yet don't even think i didn't get up in front of my young life girls in cabin time and rattle off a passage like ephesians 2:8..."by grace alone..."

i got caught up in legalism to the one-millionth degree. i made check boxed lists and that was enough. went to church, check. had a quiet time, check. didn't drink (for 4.5 yrs of my 5.5 yrs), check. had conversations about God and what He was doing in my life, check. taught others about Christ, check.

had i put these two on my list and really thought about it...i couldn't have "checked."

know how deeply my Savior is IN LOVE WITH ME? ughhhhh  ______ blank.

know how deeply i am covered in grace? ughhhhh ______ another blank.

the journey i have been on since 2002 has been painful and glorious. hard and easy. heartbreaking and joyful.

and i wouldn't trade one moment of it.

at 34 years of young, i am finally understanding how to live my life. not someone else's. i'm finally grasping that the Jesus who i've followed and abandoned, is not phased one bit by my actions. he expects me to fall flat on my face over and over and over, because adam and eve did what they did.

and every single time, he's still standing there, arms wide open, loving me for who i am, covering me in grace.

i don't know how you ever find that kind of love in someone or something you?

i don't know anything about the author of this quote but it was on my "whispered words of encouragement" flip calendar from sept. 28:

"embrace your uniqueness. time is much too short to be living someone else's life." --kobi yamada

i just really love this quote! have a fantastic day!

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