we spent the morning at matthew's grave crying, praying, and remembering. this summer we put a folder at the grave with notecards and a pen. we had a note inviting anyone who sat on matthew's bench to write their thoughts or feelings. we had a few notes that were written by other mothers who had lost their children buried only a few feet away from matthew. we read these notes and were thankful for matthew's life.
i told matthew how he was going to be a big brother in 3 1/2 months. oh how i wished he were going to be here to meet 'lil bug. more tears...
then i cried out to God and said quite loudly, "Lord i can't handle another 2009. i need 2010 to be different. i need you to bless our family and show us how much you love us. i love you and have made it through this. please show me how to best serve you this year."
we flew out later that day and i started thinking more about what jesus wants for my life this year. rather than come up with new year's resolutions and things i should stop or start, i decided to start focusing on what God wants me to do with my life.
have you thought about what jesus wants you to do with your life in 2010?
this is going to be an ongoing process for me to figure out.
i can start by knowing that the Lord wants me to experience joy and not be afraid of it. to trust him that this baby will be ok and that we will bring 'lil bug home. to be able to feel joy in the middle of a broken heart and not feel guilty.
another one is to not be afraid to make new friendships. since returning from the states, i have been pretty content with not making new friendships, even while living in a new city the past 6 months. for those of you that know me well, you know this doesn't sound like me at all! the main reason was that i had a sad story and thought most people were afraid of it. they didn't know what to say or do around me and would avoid me because of it. i have found this to be the case with a few people but i know there are others i have met that truly do care. so i'm going to take initiative and not be afraid of developing new friendships.
these are just a couple of things to get started. i've decided to sit back and listen and see what He wants from me...
why not try it for yourself?