Thursday, July 16, 2009


wow. really? i'm now this age? 33...hmmmm.....

today doesn't feel like a day i really want to celebrate.

in fact, so far this year i haven't felt like celebrating any holidays or birthdays...

i missed my cousin's birthday because i was in the middle of planning how to get my son from greece to austin for burial.

i missed one of my best friend sarah's birthday and my aunt's birthday because they fell just after i buried my son.

thankfully they all love me so much and understood.

then a couple weeks later we missed our neice's 16th (ken's goddaughter kayla), my sister's, my mom's, and my good friend laura's birthdays because not much time had passed since we lost matthew and we were so sad.

they love us and all understood.

i missed my great friend laura's birthday on march 30 because it was my original due date.

she also understood because she loves me.

i missed easter because i was so angry with Jesus for taking my baby. i barely had the words to say thank you for dying on the cross for me.

but He definitely forgave me. and He understood because he loves me more than anyone ever could.

i didn't even really celebrate ken's birthday on april 25th this year because i was having a really hard time. i didn't even get him a card (and i make them!). i managed to get him a couple of DVDs i thought he would enjoy.

but my husband loves me unconditionally and he even understood.

mother's day was a special day we had; not really a celebration but a remembrance. and eventually i will post on that day and share our unique experience.

no celebration; just heartache, but it was understood.

my brother's, dad's, and best friend joni's birthdays came in may and i can't remember if i recognized them or not.

but again, they love me and understood.

june 1st came along and was a significant date to me (not only my aunt and uncle's wedding anniversary), but this particular june 1st marked my 10-year deliverance from anorexia and bulimia.

but i didn't have the energy to celebrate that either. my inner self, the one in me who wanted to be recognized for such an accomplishment, understood.

didn't have time or the emotional energy to celebrate father's day, because we were busy all day organizing a house that was packed up and shipped out the next day.

again, my sweet husband understood.

all of these events came and went with little recognition and certainly no celebration.

but JUNE 4 came along and i did celebrate!

the day i found out we got orders to LEAVE GREECE!

you bet i celebrated!!
with a nice $40 bottle of italian wine. (not quite the whole thing that night!)

ken was in the states for a class so we did not get to celebrate together, but we did a week later when he returned. (i posted on this earlier.)

june 4th was the first time i remember celebrating anything since january 7.

i was recovering from a c-section this day celebrating the fact that my precious son was alive and doing well despite his early birth...
i reflect on celebrating.

i've missed some precious birthdays of dear family members and wonderful friends.

i have certainly missed some milestones.

but today i will have a perfect celebration with my husband even though last night i didn't want this day, my birthday, to even come, because today i was supposed to be celebrating with our 6-month old son.

we have a perfect day planned of errands, house-hunting, a relaxing spa pedicure, and a nice steak dinner cooked at home by my grill-master husband while we look out on the perfect view God gave us in this little apartment.

after our nice long walk with echo, my sweet hubby is making me a great breakfast - waffle, 2 eggs over easy, and bacon!

yum. yum. i better get to it!

and tomorrow our best friends, bill and joni, and their son jack will be heading up to annapolis to "celebrate" this weekend.

thank you to all of those who have sent me birthday wishes.

and a special thank you to all of those people out there who have understood my selfishness and heartache in not recognizing your birthdays this year. thank you for loving me anyway.

for next year's birthdays i will do better...

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

a change of scenery

our old view...

our new one...

i don't think we did too shabby. too bad it's not forever. we're renting a bottom floor separate apt in this house on the water in edgewater, MD until we find something to buy and our furniture arrives (in ~3 mos). this apt comes furnished with a boat dock! (yes, we're dragging our boat back on our road trip too so ken and i can finally get some wakeboarding action!) i wish we could afford to buy a similar house...but we just don't have $1-5 million in the bank right now. we'll just enjoy our little 1 bdrm vacation cottage for the summer... :)

just what the doctor ordered.

~ celebrate orders ~ !

with a 2.5 week notice for leaving greece and both of us working full-time, we hardly had time to breathe. i have many stories/photos to share so i will do so over several posts in the coming weeks. today we are leaving for a 2-week road trip to NC, TN, AR, and TX. we hope to see as many of you as we can, but our primary purpose is to spend some time at our son's grave on the 6 month anniversary, july 11th. all the friends and family we get to see along the way will be a sweet bonus!

when we got our orders, i found out first because ken was in the states for a class. so 5 days later when he got home, we celebrated!! thanks mark and jessica for the champagne! (the one we drank is not pictured...the andre $3 bottle was more or less one i shook up and squirted everywhere!) our friends gave us a nice bottle when ken made lieutenant commander last year. i was saving it for a special occasion and i thought that would be the night we brought matthew home.

instead it was this night...