Monday, November 2, 2009


this past week i found myself more emotional than i have been in a few months. when trying to identify the reason i went through the possibilities:

  • i'm pregnant. sometimes i'm just emotional for no reason.
  • we had to pack up our apartment and move out...a home that's been a serene, peaceful place for us to live since returning from greece this summer.
  • the only bathroom in our new house didn't have a toilet the first day we moved in because hubby was still tiling the floor and i had to drive to different stores to pee. pregnant + no toilet = disaster, physically and emotionally. (don't worry, it's working now!)
  • realizing the soft, subtle green paint i picked out for the nursery turned out to be really bright and limey.
no...i know what it is...

  • i am longing for our son matthew phillip in fresh new ways.
when the movers came on thursday they brought each box to the front door and i told them what room to put it in. then there were a few boxes i didn't realize had this label: "baby's room". the movers could see i was pregnant so they probably thought they were moving the stuff for the baby in my belly.

they had no idea that the stuff in those boxes belonged to our first-born son. our son who we welcomed into this world 10 months ago and had to give back to jesus 5 days later. our son who was not playing and learning to walk in our new house. our son who would not meet his younger brother or sister in 5 months.

when the movers left i laid down next to my husband on the bed. we had them unpack some of the boxes and in my line of sight i saw the stroller in the baby's room. the brand new stroller that should have 10 months of baby wear and tear on it. i nestled my head into ken's arm and wept.

i was at bible study this week and it came time to share prayer requests. when it was my turn i started crying as i shared that i was missing matthew in new fresh ways this week. there was not a dry eye in the group as i spoke and i was comforted by the compassion of these women.

afterwards my friend and i were talking and i was sharing with her how i felt bulldozed by the sadness and emotions of losing matthew all over again. even though i miss him every day, i had not been this sad in a little while. she assured me all the changes we had going on with the move were certainly contributing factors. then i had a revelation.

did i think that my measurement of getting better and not being as sad was going to continue on an upward curve with no valleys? that eventually the sting would wear off, the hurt would go away and i would forget? no, of course not! i know that feeling the valleys means that i am still feeling.

and the valleys are surrounded by the mountains. the Lord will walk us through the valleys because he promises not to leave us. then we will acsend to mountaintops together so we can see His splendor and experience His blessings.

there will be times i will miss our matthew so much it feels like january 11, 2009 all over again. there will be times i can't carry the burden and i give it to Jesus for Him to carry. but God promises "plans to prosper us and not to harm us. plans to give us hope and a future." jeremiah 29:11.

there will be times when the sadness isn't as hard to bear and we can focus on fresh beginnings and new blessings. like the blessing of a baby that grows inside me right now.

but more children, fresh beginnings, and new blessings will never change the longing we feel for our son. we miss him so much. as the holidays approach and the 1 year anniversary of losing matthew phillip is just over 2 months away, we have to trust the God of comfort to hold our hearts in His hands.

as we start a new beginning in a new house without our only child, we have to remember that matthew phillip is in a perfect place. he is in Heaven with the God of the universe experiencing perfect peace. this place is so perfect that our human minds cannot understand it. in heaven, matthew phillip feels no pain or sadness, only complete fulfillment and joy.

this thought turns my tears into a smile.

it makes my earthly longing turn to heavenly longing. it makes my focus not on this world but on Jesus.

"let us fix our eyes on Jesus..." hebrews 12:2

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