Tuesday, September 22, 2009

stay at home ___?___

you meet someone new and they say, "what do you do?"

obviously you don't have kids hanging off of you saying, "mommy, mommy, i want to go. can we please go and get ice cream?" so of course you have a career or a job or something, right?

i stay at home. we just moved here because my husband is in the navy.

"do you have children?"

well yes, but our son matthew phillip is in heaven now.

"oh gosh, i'm so sorry."

an awkward silence ensues and you have never seen someone so uncomfortable in their life.

my experience has not been this way for most people i have met here but there have been a few. thankfully the people at church and in the navy have been very supportive.

but these few encounters have had me thinking a lot lately...

the thing is that i'm not doing anything, because i should be doing something else.

i should be being a mommy.

i should be waking up very early because i can't wait to see my son again. i missed him while i slept. then it's time to feed and play, and eventually a little nap. we might go out and explore new places around town or just cuddle at home. after an afternoon nap, we would play some more and then start making dinner for when daddy gets home. as a family we would cuddle, kiss, hug, and play until matthew needed to go to sleep. then tomorrow, i should be waking up and doing it all over again. what a life! what a blessing!!

don't get me wrong. i do not sit around feeling sorry for myself all day doing nothing. i run errands, spend time with friends, go to bible study, shop and get lost at a book store. but there are some days, i would give anything to be doing all the mommy things.

have you ever had a time in your life where you were doing something but you felt like you really should be doing something else? like you were born to do something but instead you were sitting in an office crunching numbers and hating it.

every day i wish i could do what i was meant to do. there is not a day that goes by that i don't wake up and wish my job for the day was to be matthew's mommy. and maybe that causes me to snooze 4 times instead of 2, but eventually i always wake up and get out of bed. i grab my bible and ask the Lord to help me be brave enough to face the day, productive enough to accomplish something worthwhile, and gracious to those mommies i may encounter who i desperately want to be.


laura said...

i hope you know that you do do one of the somethings you were called by God to do...you write. you write for those of us that can't put words on "paper" in a way that makes sense. you are blessing to me, my family and so many others. God will give you your hearts desire...trust your prayers to Him.
much love my friend
xoxo laura

laura said...

okay...read the post again...you have challenged me to look for god's hand in what i am doing. should i being something else? instead of? in addition to?

you are a blessing

amy said...

what a beautifully written post. I pray for you often, friend.