Thursday, July 16, 2009

thirty-three

wow. really? i'm now this age? 33...hmmmm.....

today doesn't feel like a day i really want to celebrate.

in fact, so far this year i haven't felt like celebrating any holidays or birthdays...

i missed my cousin's birthday because i was in the middle of planning how to get my son from greece to austin for burial.

i missed one of my best friend sarah's birthday and my aunt's birthday because they fell just after i buried my son.

thankfully they all love me so much and understood.

then a couple weeks later we missed our neice's 16th (ken's goddaughter kayla), my sister's, my mom's, and my good friend laura's birthdays because not much time had passed since we lost matthew and we were so sad.

they love us and all understood.

i missed my great friend laura's birthday on march 30 because it was my original due date.

she also understood because she loves me.

i missed easter because i was so angry with Jesus for taking my baby. i barely had the words to say thank you for dying on the cross for me.

but He definitely forgave me. and He understood because he loves me more than anyone ever could.

i didn't even really celebrate ken's birthday on april 25th this year because i was having a really hard time. i didn't even get him a card (and i make them!). i managed to get him a couple of DVDs i thought he would enjoy.

but my husband loves me unconditionally and he even understood.

mother's day was a special day we had; not really a celebration but a remembrance. and eventually i will post on that day and share our unique experience.

no celebration; just heartache, but it was understood.

my brother's, dad's, and best friend joni's birthdays came in may and i can't remember if i recognized them or not.

but again, they love me and understood.

june 1st came along and was a significant date to me (not only my aunt and uncle's wedding anniversary), but this particular june 1st marked my 10-year deliverance from anorexia and bulimia.

but i didn't have the energy to celebrate that either. my inner self, the one in me who wanted to be recognized for such an accomplishment, understood.

didn't have time or the emotional energy to celebrate father's day, because we were busy all day organizing a house that was packed up and shipped out the next day.

again, my sweet husband understood.

all of these events came and went with little recognition and certainly no celebration.

but JUNE 4 came along and i did celebrate!

the day i found out we got orders to LEAVE GREECE!


you bet i celebrated!!
with a nice $40 bottle of italian wine. (not quite the whole thing that night!)

ken was in the states for a class so we did not get to celebrate together, but we did a week later when he returned. (i posted on this earlier.)

june 4th was the first time i remember celebrating anything since january 7.


i was recovering from a c-section this day celebrating the fact that my precious son was alive and doing well despite his early birth...
*********************
i reflect on celebrating.

i've missed some precious birthdays of dear family members and wonderful friends.

i have certainly missed some milestones.

but today i will have a perfect celebration with my husband even though last night i didn't want this day, my birthday, to even come, because today i was supposed to be celebrating with our 6-month old son.

we have a perfect day planned of errands, house-hunting, a relaxing spa pedicure, and a nice steak dinner cooked at home by my grill-master husband while we look out on the perfect view God gave us in this little apartment.

after our nice long walk with echo, my sweet hubby is making me a great breakfast - waffle, 2 eggs over easy, and bacon!

yum. yum. i better get to it!

and tomorrow our best friends, bill and joni, and their son jack will be heading up to annapolis to "celebrate" this weekend.

thank you to all of those who have sent me birthday wishes.

and a special thank you to all of those people out there who have understood my selfishness and heartache in not recognizing your birthdays this year. thank you for loving me anyway.

for next year's birthdays i will do better...

1 comment:

Kristie said...

Happy Birthday! we miss you gyus!