Saturday, February 28, 2009

clarity

thank you for visiting my blog and seeing my beautiful boy!

there was a comment on my last blog entry about how amazing and strong i am to have such clarity about this heart-wrenching event. she said i was a wonderful blessing and witness to God's love.

i am deeply humbled by your words. thank you, stacy. if you were in my thoughts 24/7, you would bear witness to the fact that i don't always, and quite often, do not have clarity about losing matthew.

God and i have had knock-down drag-outs about this. why Lord, why me? why did you choose us to carry this burden? i've had to carry a lot of crap for you in my life, but Lord, this is the hardest. this may actually break me!! and gently the Lord said to me, that's the point. come, cortney, you are weary and burdened. i will give you rest. my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

in the dark days immediately following matthew's death and then again when we returned to greece, i had words for God that went something like david's...

psalm 13

how long, o Lord? will you forget me forever?
how long will you hide your face from me?
how long must i wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
how long will my enemy triumph over me?
look on me and answer, o Lord my God.
give light to my eyes, or i will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "i have overcome her,"
and my foes will rejoice when i fall.
but i trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
i will sing to the Lord
for he has been good to me.

i would say this over and over. but i could not bring myself to say the last part. i could not say to Him i trusted in his unfailing love. because i felt like he did fail me. he didn't save my little boy.

matthew's life had and still has purpose. god chose him to live on earth for 5 days. matthew phillip schwalbe made an impact that will resonate far longer than 5 short days. i am sure of this.

life on earth is in the journey. and the journey follows a path in a broken world. terrible, heart-wrenching things happen. mommies do not get to cradle and kiss their baby boys. daddies do not get to see their sons smile back at them for the first time. baby boys do not get to learn how to crawl, walk, or fly. but thankfully, we have been given a gift, should we choose to accept it, to live beyond this life in eternity.

in heaven we are perfect. it is perfect. because He is perfect.

right now on this earth, we can only imagine what it will be like...

in the coming weeks i am going to go back to the day matthew phillip was born and tell his story, our story. i'm going to tell you what i've learned, what i struggle with, and about my journey these last 54 days...

i would be humbled and deeply grateful if you'll come back and read...

with love,
cort

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Cortney,
I debated on commenting because I can not even begin to imagine.... but I do want to share with you a gleam of hope. I, too suffered three times but not to your extent. After 4 In-Vitro procedures, I finally became pregnant. Only to lose the baby. Again we tried #s 5 and 6, got pregnant and lost that baby as well. This time getting to the 2nd trimester. Once more we tried and had the same result. I gave up and found clarity and decided that I should accept the fact that I should not experience child birth for some reason and we started the process of adoption. We were blessed with the MOST amazing little boy, Gregory Allen. The same day, I was also blessed with a positive pregnancy. I thought less of it because we were "not supposed" to have our own and I immediately thought I would not see it through. After a difficult 7 months, I delivered Mattea Michelle a month early. We have been through hell and backsince, she had health issues, had to undergo Open heart surgery at 10 months old and is now an amazingly perfect little sister.

As I went through all of these awful experiences, I often asked god, "why?" I yelled and sometimes sinfully cursed at him and failed to believe. But now I know it was all for a purpose. Had I not endured these horrible experiences, I would not have been given the opportunity to have such a special boy bless my life. and all the pain and suffering now seems like a very small payment to have such a full and special family. I will never forget the three we did not get to know but I now have forgiveness and I am thankful for the growth I can finally appreciate. All my love to you. I know that you too will some day find the purpose. You may never forgive, but someday you will at least feel that sense of understanding.

Allison said...

Thank you for sharing with us. He is a beautiful boy. I am so sorry for you, but I want you to know that you and he are not forgotten. His life and your experience has brought perspective and blessing to my life half a world away. Thank you for sharing, and I will be back to read. You are loved.

Anonymous said...

Wow...how beautiful he was...what a joy he must be in Heaven!! I choose to believe that all his relatives who are in Heaven know him and are enjoying his presence...in particular my mom, your grandmother and his greatgrandmother...and of course "GranPaw".
I'm glad to see you are to the point of sharing...ALL of what you and Ken are going through. I can tell by your words our prayers are being answered. We love you deeply...aunt granny deb