thank you for visiting my blog and seeing my beautiful boy!
there was a comment on my last blog entry about how amazing and strong i am to have such clarity about this heart-wrenching event. she said i was a wonderful blessing and witness to God's love.
i am deeply humbled by your words. thank you, stacy. if you were in my thoughts 24/7, you would bear witness to the fact that i don't always, and quite often, do not have clarity about losing matthew.
God and i have had knock-down drag-outs about this. why Lord, why me? why did you choose us to carry this burden? i've had to carry a lot of crap for you in my life, but Lord, this is the hardest. this may actually break me!! and gently the Lord said to me, that's the point. come, cortney, you are weary and burdened. i will give you rest. my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
in the dark days immediately following matthew's death and then again when we returned to greece, i had words for God that went something like david's...
how long, o Lord? will you forget me forever?
how long will you hide your face from me?
how long must i wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
how long will my enemy triumph over me?
look on me and answer, o Lord my God.
give light to my eyes, or i will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "i have overcome her,"
and my foes will rejoice when i fall.
but i trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
i will sing to the Lord
for he has been good to me.
i would say this over and over. but i could not bring myself to say the last part. i could not say to Him i trusted in his unfailing love. because i felt like he did fail me. he didn't save my little boy.
matthew's life had and still has purpose. god chose him to live on earth for 5 days. matthew phillip schwalbe made an impact that will resonate far longer than 5 short days. i am sure of this.
life on earth is in the journey. and the journey follows a path in a broken world. terrible, heart-wrenching things happen. mommies do not get to cradle and kiss their baby boys. daddies do not get to see their sons smile back at them for the first time. baby boys do not get to learn how to crawl, walk, or fly. but thankfully, we have been given a gift, should we choose to accept it, to live beyond this life in eternity.
in heaven we are perfect. it is perfect. because He is perfect.
right now on this earth, we can only imagine what it will be like...
in the coming weeks i am going to go back to the day matthew phillip was born and tell his story, our story. i'm going to tell you what i've learned, what i struggle with, and about my journey these last 54 days...
i would be humbled and deeply grateful if you'll come back and read...