this is my attempt at breaking the blog silence. it's been 37 days since our precious son left this world and entered heaven. it seems like many months ago. and yet it feels like yesterday. our hearts hurt so much. but we have moments where we can picture him in the loving arms of Jesus and we can smile. it's hard to embrace the reality that heaven is a much better place when you long for your baby boy to be with you here on earth. one day when we're reunited with matthew phillip, we'll finally understand.
being in austin was a comfort. i'm still looking for that comfort being back here in greece. we returned and we both went back to work on feb. 2. the first week was very, very difficult seeing friends and people around base for the first time. many of our exchanges with people included a hug and a "i'm so sorry...i don't know what to say," and a struggle to fight back tears.
my emotions are a mix of anger, sadness, confusion, jealousy, and even hope and joy. we are having some very honest conversations with God and rely on the truth of His word for comfort and strength. my anger was so intense when i returned i could not pray. but thankfully i have words again. some days i feel like everyone has moved on and forgotten. though i can't imagine "moving on," i will have to come to a place of acceptance. now that we have to carry this burden, Lord give us the strength to do so. and on really bad days we have to ask God to carry it for us.
thank you to all of our family and friends for everything you have done for us; cooking meals here in greece, coming to austin to be with us for the funeral, donating to the march of dimes in matthew's memory, and sending us cards, goodies, and emails letting us know you're praying for us and you love us. all of these actions have encouraged us so much and mean more to us than we'll ever be able to express.