dear matthew phillip,
three years ago, i had to say goodbye for as long as i'm on this side of heaven. that was a hard thing to do because i wanted to keep being your mommy here on earth. God had different plans for your life and so i had to accept this and be a mommy who had a son in heaven.
it's not been an easy road these last three years. i look at our christmas card with me holding morgan and daddy holding kennedy and wonder, "which one of us would be holding you?"
i know you probably don't understand my sadness because there in heaven there is no sadness or pain. you have this glorious place to live and when i get there i'll understand. but in the mean time, stuck on this earth, sometimes i just miss that you're not here growing up here and being apart of our family.
i'm not really sure i ever really lived before you came into my life. now that you are gone i feel joy like a blind person seeing light for the first time and i feel heartache like it's going to suffocate me. i try to love people like it's the last day i'm going to see them. i just feel everything so much more than i ever did before.
you gave my life new meaning precious son. for this i will always be so grateful.
i'm proud to be your mama, even if it is from the cheap seats. one day, you will walk me through the splendor and glory of heaven and all of the sadness i ever felt because we were apart, will never be felt again. it's that day that will be a perfect day. it's when my broken heart will be whole again.
i love you so very, very much my beautiful and precious son.
~ your mama
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
a helluva job
as I was reading, i thought to myself, “is it ok to have the same feelings as her? i mean, i have buried a child; i should be thankful for every. single. moment. right? i can’t possibly admit that some days my favorite part of the day is when I have the rare moment of both girls sleeping and while sipping on a glass of wine, i peruse facebook while simultaneously planning a figi island vacation that I pretend I will take the next day...or can i?
i can tell you that I am writing this blog post from the comfort of a leather chair at panera bread and my girls are most certainly not with me. i ran out the door as my mom was coming in. in fact the few things she needed to know about their routine today, i texted them to her. after my toddler screamed through eating barely any of her lunch and her 3-month-old sister decided to join in on the screaming game, I had to high-tail it outta there. this is after it took 2.5 hours getting us all ready to go to church for the first time, which went surprisingly well, if you don’t take into consideration how freaked out the guy in the pew next to me was when I had to breastfeed morgan. (under a cover even!)
so yes, I sped out of the house like my pants were on fire. do you know what I mean? well, you only really know what I mean if you have the privilege of being a stay-at-home mom.
don’t get me wrong. I love that we are in a financial position so that I can stay at home. but some days, you just gotta run out the door. a full on…RUN!
since I have been a “single” mom these last 2+ months I have needed those runs even more. thankfully I have the family around that I can get a break every now and again.
does that make me a bad parent? I sure hope not. it’s funny…sometimes when I’m out for a couple of hours sipping a latte and strolling down the aisles of Target not needing anything but picking up everything, even if just to touch it, I start to miss them and want to get home fast! well…not really, but i don’t want you to think i don’t love my kiddos. J
I do love my kids more than anything and truly, the one time i was away from kennedy for 9 days, i did miss her a ton. but the brief 2-3 hour breaks i take to go grocery shopping in peace or plop down with my laptop and just write, i don’t miss them. i realize what I need occasionally is time to myself.
I caught an interview with the obama’s recently and michelle said one of the most essential things that makes their family work is making sure she gets time for herself, first and foremost. my first thought was, “how selfish, you’re a mom!” but as I listened to her and thought about it several times since then, I think she is kind of right. one of the ways she takes time for herself is working out. and I know I need to do that for myself too. during workouts I hate it; but afterwards I always feel so much better.
when I take time to sit in a coffee shop and write, I am very happy. So I know I need to do it as often as possible. When ken was here, he gave me that gift almost every week.
as I reflect on missing my son this week since we celebrated his birthday just a couple of days ago and his angelversary is coming up on the 11th, i almost feel guilty admitting that parenting is a “helluva job” as glennon from her momastery blog puts it. i AM grateful to be doing it. but right now, I am equally as grateful when it turns 7pm and instead of being outnumbered, I’m 1 on 1. certainly my job when I was working in nyc was the most demanding of my 10+ year corporate career, because of the long hours and fast pace. but parenting my two girls is at least 10 times harder. and i would take this job over the one in downtown manhattan any day.
the rewarding and precious moments though…they are priceless. i mean who couldn’t love a 21-month-old who learns how to take off her diaper and smear poop all over her crib? :)
seriously though, the moment where she lights up opening her 4-foot cardboard cutout of daddy while he is deployed is priceless. the way she cuddles up to him and laughs and giggles as she scoots around on it, warms my heart. and suddenly I forget the smeared poop and the screaming tantrums. right then and there, I realize I have the best job in the world. being her mommy. I’ll take 10 smeared poop episodes to have this one precious moment. i wouldn’t want to miss it!
seriously though, the moment where she lights up opening her 4-foot cardboard cutout of daddy while he is deployed is priceless. the way she cuddles up to him and laughs and giggles as she scoots around on it, warms my heart. and suddenly I forget the smeared poop and the screaming tantrums. right then and there, I realize I have the best job in the world. being her mommy. I’ll take 10 smeared poop episodes to have this one precious moment. i wouldn’t want to miss it!
but don’t think for a second, at the end of the next day, I won’t be counting down the minutes until 7 p.m. occasionally, i might even be guilty of changing the time on the clock when she’s not looking! J
one more thing…please do me a favor. find a single mom or a mom who’s husband is deployed and immediately schedule a time to watch her kids to give her a break. like next weekend! i am sure you can spare a saturday night without your husband and kids to give her the gift of a night off. It will mean more to her than she will ever be able to tell you.
and to the husbands who travel a lot leaving your wife and kids alone A LOT, get on the computer right now, find the best hotel/spa within an hour of your house and book her an overnight away, complete with breakfast in bed served at noon.
i am so thankful for my family who gives me little breaks to have time for myself! If it were not for them, i would probably not survive 2012.
parenting IS a helluva job...and i'm proud to be doing it. :)
Friday, January 6, 2012
turning 3
happy birthday to our precious son, matthew phillip. we love you so very much and even still, the missing does not get any easier around this time of year. i still remember the day you made me a mommy like it was yesterday. some days i wish i could hang onto that day forever.
i look around the play room watching your two sisters and wish you could be here with them. i know kennedy would especially love playing with her big brother! all of our sadness with not having you here on earth, thankfully, does not end there. we are comforted knowing that one day we will have a sweet reunion with you in heaven. what a glorious day that will be.
you make me so proud sweet baby boy. i love you so very, very much. ~ your mama
i look around the play room watching your two sisters and wish you could be here with them. i know kennedy would especially love playing with her big brother! all of our sadness with not having you here on earth, thankfully, does not end there. we are comforted knowing that one day we will have a sweet reunion with you in heaven. what a glorious day that will be.
you make me so proud sweet baby boy. i love you so very, very much. ~ your mama
Monday, October 17, 2011
it's a.....
GIRL!!!
Today, Oct 17 at 9:22am God bestowed on our family another sweet miracle! Morgan Faith Schwalbe came into this world screaming loudly, weighing 7lbs 2.6oz and measuring 18 1/2 inches. The c-section delivery was uneventful and all was normal.
We are SO IN LOVE with her! Kennedy is sure to be a wonderful big sister and we know Matthew is watching over her. Thank you for your prayers and support yesterday and for the duration of this pregnancy. They have been such a special gift to us.
Here are some pictures (she looks just like Kennedy did when she was born!)
https://picasaweb.google.com/109171317858095668425/October172011
https://picasaweb.google.com/109171317858095668425/October172011
Love,
Ken, Cortney, big brother Matthew Phillip, big sister, Kennedy Grace and 'Lil Bean, aka Morgan Faith
Sunday, October 16, 2011
the 7th inning stretch
oct 16 ~ the last preggo picture of me and 'lil bean.
so here we are just about an hour or so before i go to bed so i can try and get some sleep before 'lil bean's arrival. i am so thankful we made it; especially through this last week.
as my doctor (who will be one of my surgeons tomorrow), said on friday at my last appointment, "it's a delicate balance giving the baby one more week to achieve developed lungs and monitoring you to make sure your uterus doesn't EXPLODE."
yes, he used the word EXPLODE. my eyes POPPED out of my head when he said this. needless to say i was a little nervous this weekend. "rupture" just seems so much nicer of a world...ya know?
nonetheless, the only One who could, the only One "I AM" held all things together this week and provided His devine protection over me and 'lil bean. we continue to praise Jesus for this miracle we are about to experience tomorrow morning (at 9am). we give thanks that God was able to give us peace to wait it out another week.
please join us in this 7th inning stretch (i have to interject here -- YAY RANGERS!! -- world series bound!!) of prayer for God's protection, provision and health. YAHWEH is the great I AM! He is the giver of all gifts and tomorrow we believe He will bestow on us, another sweet child, another miracle. as we go in and meet our third precious child, your prayers are the greatest gift we could ask for and receive.
thank you sweet friends and family...you all have been such an incredible gift of love, support and prayer in this 9+ month journey. bless you over and over...
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
what a difference a day makes
first let me say, a heartfelt thank you to all of you who have encouraged me with your sweet thoughts and pearls of wisdom, and most of all your coveted prayers these last 24 hours.
truly, i say, what a difference a day makes. this morning ken and i both went to my doctor's appointment and after the routine non-stress test (i've been getting them the last 6 weeks since i have gestational diabetes this time around), the nurse mentioned that my doctor was delivering a patient and would be over shortly. she also told us that my c/s had been rescheduled. i asked if she knew when and with whom and it was like music to my ears.
i will be delivering on monday oct 17th at 9am. no addtional amnio needed! woo-hoo! and my surgeons would be dr. y and dr. z, both of whom dr. x (my previous dr with kennedy who retired) recommended. both the top surgeons in the practice would be there. i couldn't have asked for a better situation. and their schedules were rearranged to make this happen. this made ken and i feel like they were on top of everything and they were giving us the best option available.
later after my routine non-stress test, my doctor who will not be able to deliver me because she will be out of town and dr. y both came in the room to answer any questions we had and to listen to our concerns. there were tears and even moments where someone was speaking a little louder than normal. but it was a very production discussion and i heard exactly what i needed to hear to obtain peace. dr. y told me that he recently consulted twice with dr. x (my previous dr who retired in june) and pressed him on why he recommended a 36-week delivery. he told us dr. x had backed off of the 36 weeks as long as they did not see any other risk factors with a thinning uterine wall via ultraousnd. in fact, dr. y said "i thought i had told you this when you saw me a few weeks ago?"
ummm...no buddy, you didn't. because if you did, we would not be having this conversation right now!!
hearing this immediately put my heart at ease. honestly it was the only thing that drove me to challenge 15+ doctors and specialists for the last 5 months. i hung onto dr. x telling me i needed to deliver at 36 weeks and wondered why everyone was ignoring this. it drove me a little crazy...ok maybe a lot crazy. but if dr. x was willing to back off that recommendation then i was too.
at that very exact moment, i finally gave up control. it took my daughter waking me up at 4am this morning to break my will but after i got her back to sleep, big surprise i couldn't sleep. it was there in the dark of my living room, that God met me and reminded me that ALL of this is in His control. it always has been, even though i've spent a ridiculous amount of time and energy trying to control it.
the only way i can describe the peace i felt at that exact moment was to tell you that it was same feeling of peace two summers ago when i decided to let go of all the anger i had been carrying around about the death of my son. it was a peace that only God could give me. people could pray it for me; but God had to give it.
ken and i are completely at peace with everything that is going to happen in the next 6 days. we are confident in my doctors but most importantly we know God is in control and will be faithful. my friend candace shared this verse with me this morning:
Hebrews 10:23
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. (NIV)
we're holding steady that God will protect me and 'lil bean and that our healthy, sweet child will be delivered safely next monday.
if you would also hold steady with us, i would be most grateful. thank you sweet, sweet friends. you all are so amazing and faithful and i'm so thankful to know we have this network of support around us. each of you are just precious, amazing friends and family! God Bless You!!
truly, i say, what a difference a day makes. this morning ken and i both went to my doctor's appointment and after the routine non-stress test (i've been getting them the last 6 weeks since i have gestational diabetes this time around), the nurse mentioned that my doctor was delivering a patient and would be over shortly. she also told us that my c/s had been rescheduled. i asked if she knew when and with whom and it was like music to my ears.
i will be delivering on monday oct 17th at 9am. no addtional amnio needed! woo-hoo! and my surgeons would be dr. y and dr. z, both of whom dr. x (my previous dr with kennedy who retired) recommended. both the top surgeons in the practice would be there. i couldn't have asked for a better situation. and their schedules were rearranged to make this happen. this made ken and i feel like they were on top of everything and they were giving us the best option available.
later after my routine non-stress test, my doctor who will not be able to deliver me because she will be out of town and dr. y both came in the room to answer any questions we had and to listen to our concerns. there were tears and even moments where someone was speaking a little louder than normal. but it was a very production discussion and i heard exactly what i needed to hear to obtain peace. dr. y told me that he recently consulted twice with dr. x (my previous dr who retired in june) and pressed him on why he recommended a 36-week delivery. he told us dr. x had backed off of the 36 weeks as long as they did not see any other risk factors with a thinning uterine wall via ultraousnd. in fact, dr. y said "i thought i had told you this when you saw me a few weeks ago?"
ummm...no buddy, you didn't. because if you did, we would not be having this conversation right now!!
hearing this immediately put my heart at ease. honestly it was the only thing that drove me to challenge 15+ doctors and specialists for the last 5 months. i hung onto dr. x telling me i needed to deliver at 36 weeks and wondered why everyone was ignoring this. it drove me a little crazy...ok maybe a lot crazy. but if dr. x was willing to back off that recommendation then i was too.
at that very exact moment, i finally gave up control. it took my daughter waking me up at 4am this morning to break my will but after i got her back to sleep, big surprise i couldn't sleep. it was there in the dark of my living room, that God met me and reminded me that ALL of this is in His control. it always has been, even though i've spent a ridiculous amount of time and energy trying to control it.
the only way i can describe the peace i felt at that exact moment was to tell you that it was same feeling of peace two summers ago when i decided to let go of all the anger i had been carrying around about the death of my son. it was a peace that only God could give me. people could pray it for me; but God had to give it.
ken and i are completely at peace with everything that is going to happen in the next 6 days. we are confident in my doctors but most importantly we know God is in control and will be faithful. my friend candace shared this verse with me this morning:
Hebrews 10:23
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. (NIV)
we're holding steady that God will protect me and 'lil bean and that our healthy, sweet child will be delivered safely next monday.
if you would also hold steady with us, i would be most grateful. thank you sweet, sweet friends. you all are so amazing and faithful and i'm so thankful to know we have this network of support around us. each of you are just precious, amazing friends and family! God Bless You!!
Monday, October 10, 2011
not the post i thought i would be writing...
....ok so, again, it's been FOREVER since i last posted, but alas, i've been tired throughout this pregnancy while chasing my 18 month old. excuses, excuses.
i thought i would be writing about my thoughts of welcoming 'lil bean into the world tomorrow. instead, we will have to wait at least a week.
today i had an amniocentesis for a lung maturity test. the maternal fetal medicine specialist i see absolutely required it since we were planning a delivery for 37weeks+3days. i was completely terrified to get the amnio and with hands shakin' and sweatin' like it was my first kiss, i held onto my hubby's hand and looked away into his eyes while the MFM walked us through the procedure. he said, "bee sting" and i guess that's when the 4-inch needle went in. i hardly felt it. then he said, "some pressure/cramp" and i might have felt a little one, but seriously not much. after like a minute, he said, "all done."
seriously?
i was worked up for nothing. i had to be monitored for 45 minutes afterwards to make sure there were no complications and waa-lah, hubby and i left the office while i patted myself on the back for being so brave and we headed out for a celebration breakfast. he suggested denny's...i got my way with eggcellence, a healthy little cafe serving, you guessed it, eggs. :)
the day was great. i got all of the bathroom drawers and hallway closet cleaned out and sorted. kennedy played with juju and took only 1 nap that lasted 1 hour 45 mins (woo-hoo! we're making progess as we started out with an hour when we transitioned to 1 nap a couple of weeks ago.)
after naptime we all got gussied up and decided to head to the naval academy for a maternity photoshoot. yep, the photographer in me, totally forgot to schedule a maternity shoot at the normal 28-32 week timeframe so i put on all black to attempt to cover up my bloatedness. :) at first glance of the pictures, i'll need to do A LOT of photoshop editing!
when we pulled up to our scenic backdrop for perfect pictures, the phone rang.
it was my OB telling me that i could not deliver as planned. "the baby's lungs are just not developed enough."
what??
i asked what the score was. we needed a surfactant to phospholipid (S/P) ratio of 55mg/g or greater.
33mg/g.
i was in shock.
less than 40; definitely immature, risk of respiratory distress syndrome and other complications. 40-55, intermediate risk; need further testing to see if delivery is possible; 55+; welcome, baby!
33......really? but the ultrasound tech said friday if she was a bettin' woman, she would bet that i would be having the baby tomorrow. we even watched together on the screen as 'lil bean used his/her diaphram and was breathing!
another kicker...my OB told me that the MFM would not consider anything before next monday, oct 17. and even then, the normal procedure with a reading of 33mg/g would be to repeat the amnio (on the 17th) and deliver the next day (18th). however, the MFM was going to write a letter to the hospital explaining that he would not require another amnio and that i could deliver at 38 weeks+3 days on oct 17. this was a relief to me as i have a very emotional reason not to deliver on the 18th. it was the day that our best friend, matt, our son's namesake, was killed.
oh yeah, the kicker....my OB would be out of town starting the 15th and would not be my surgeon for my c-section.
as she was talking, i was half listening because all that kept coming to mind was....
....REALLY GOD??? what the hell??? WHERE are YOU in ALL of THIS???
i asked if i could have 1 of the other 2 surgeons i knew (who were the top ones in the practice) and she said she would have to check. she told me that i would have to be seen in the office tomorrow and Friday; my normal 2x/week monitoring for my non-stress tests (all because i have gestational diabetes). she ended with how sorry she was about our plan being disrupted and then i started once again telling her my fears about going longer than tomorrow.
that's where i need to interject and give you all the back story.
with kennedy, i saw the high-risk doctor in the practice and he made my pregnancy with her seem effortless. i didn't even feel like i was "high risk." he just had a calmness about him. we'll call him dr. x. all the fears we had of going through pregnancy again were put aside because of his character and confidence. by the grace of God, even though i went into labor with kennedy 1 week+1 day before my scheduled c-section, it was dr. x who was on call and delivered (on easter day, no less!). it was him who called ken over to take a picture of the cord knot while kennedy was being cleaned telling us how rare they are (and how dangerous they can be). it was him who while i'm cut wide open said in a calm yet concerned voice to me, "your uterus is very, very thin." i remember asking him what that meant and he said he would be making a repair because it was like "saran wrap."
fast forward to pregnancy with 'lil bean. i booked my first "i'm preggo-let's confirm it" appointment and when asked who i usually saw i told the woman scheduling the appointment i had to see dr. x due to my high-risk history.
"well, he's retiring in june."
WHAT???
i was completely sad but resolved to see him until he flew the coop.
my very FIRST appointment with him when i was 9 weeks pregnant, he told me (and documented in my chart) that i needed to deliver at 36 weeks because of the thin uterine segment and window present at kennedy's delivery. he also said that since he would be retiring i would need to see the MFM specialist occasionally during the pregnancy.
my last appointment with him was around 20 weeks. i asked him who should deliver me and he gave me two names (the top 2 surgeons in the practice). i asked him about a third doctor and he said it was fine for me to see her but that one of those two doctors should do my surgery.
i started seeing the OB i wanted to with plans to somehow have one of the two he recommended deliver me. at the same time i saw the MFM at 20 weeks and it didn't really go that well. he first told me he wouldn't consider anything before 39 weeks.
but the documention...the recommendation....from dr x???
i ran into the objection of delivering at 36 weeks with every. single. doctor, specialist, nurse, dog, and cat around here. i even went to the director of the MFM department at johns hopkins (can you get a more knowledgable opinion from such a stellar hospital?) and the overall consensus was not a day before 37 weeks. (in fact the hopkins MFM said nothing sooner than 39 weeks!)
we pressed every button and challenged every person in every way we could. the bottom line is that no one was listening to the recommendation of the only man who was elbow-deep in my uterus at delivery.
finally i stopped fighting them all and just accepted the 37 week+3 days delivery. i had a scheduled c-section for oct 11 with the doctor who i very much liked and the assistant surgeon, one of the top ones in the practice that dr. x had recommended. i couldn't have planned it better.
and so, that's where we are. now you all know the back story.
when i hung up with my OB today i teared up a little but then said to ken and my mom, ok, let's do the pictures and deal with this later. total, classic, denial.
DENIAL!
we piled out of the car and i'm pretty sure we never got a shot of kennedy ever looking at the camera. we got a lot of her crying and whining though. a perfect maternity session all-around. :) after about 45 minutes i gave up and suggested we drive over to the park.
when we got there, my sister called because she received my text about not delivering as planned. i answered and never should have. she said something that probably shouldn't have upset me the way it did and all of my frustration, anger, sadness, confusion, and fear dumped ALL.OVER.HER.
i'm ashamed to admit that as of writing this post, i've yet to apologize to her.
so by now, you've figured out that i'm a planner. and i can tell you that my type-A-EXTREME- planning-self pretty much wishes this verse was left out of the bible:
"Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.” Proverbs 19:20-21 NIV
my mom had loosely quoted this verse to me earlier when we were both stressing about not delivering tomorrow. in writing this post, i couldn't remember the exact verse so i opened up http://www.biblegateway.com/ to see if i could find the verse by keyword search.
ya'll....FOR REAL...the next thing...REALLY happened!!!
i opened the webpage and FRONT AND CENTER was the verse of the day:
i thought i would be writing about my thoughts of welcoming 'lil bean into the world tomorrow. instead, we will have to wait at least a week.
today i had an amniocentesis for a lung maturity test. the maternal fetal medicine specialist i see absolutely required it since we were planning a delivery for 37weeks+3days. i was completely terrified to get the amnio and with hands shakin' and sweatin' like it was my first kiss, i held onto my hubby's hand and looked away into his eyes while the MFM walked us through the procedure. he said, "bee sting" and i guess that's when the 4-inch needle went in. i hardly felt it. then he said, "some pressure/cramp" and i might have felt a little one, but seriously not much. after like a minute, he said, "all done."
seriously?
i was worked up for nothing. i had to be monitored for 45 minutes afterwards to make sure there were no complications and waa-lah, hubby and i left the office while i patted myself on the back for being so brave and we headed out for a celebration breakfast. he suggested denny's...i got my way with eggcellence, a healthy little cafe serving, you guessed it, eggs. :)
the day was great. i got all of the bathroom drawers and hallway closet cleaned out and sorted. kennedy played with juju and took only 1 nap that lasted 1 hour 45 mins (woo-hoo! we're making progess as we started out with an hour when we transitioned to 1 nap a couple of weeks ago.)
after naptime we all got gussied up and decided to head to the naval academy for a maternity photoshoot. yep, the photographer in me, totally forgot to schedule a maternity shoot at the normal 28-32 week timeframe so i put on all black to attempt to cover up my bloatedness. :) at first glance of the pictures, i'll need to do A LOT of photoshop editing!
when we pulled up to our scenic backdrop for perfect pictures, the phone rang.
it was my OB telling me that i could not deliver as planned. "the baby's lungs are just not developed enough."
what??
i asked what the score was. we needed a surfactant to phospholipid (S/P) ratio of 55mg/g or greater.
33mg/g.
i was in shock.
less than 40; definitely immature, risk of respiratory distress syndrome and other complications. 40-55, intermediate risk; need further testing to see if delivery is possible; 55+; welcome, baby!
33......really? but the ultrasound tech said friday if she was a bettin' woman, she would bet that i would be having the baby tomorrow. we even watched together on the screen as 'lil bean used his/her diaphram and was breathing!
another kicker...my OB told me that the MFM would not consider anything before next monday, oct 17. and even then, the normal procedure with a reading of 33mg/g would be to repeat the amnio (on the 17th) and deliver the next day (18th). however, the MFM was going to write a letter to the hospital explaining that he would not require another amnio and that i could deliver at 38 weeks+3 days on oct 17. this was a relief to me as i have a very emotional reason not to deliver on the 18th. it was the day that our best friend, matt, our son's namesake, was killed.
oh yeah, the kicker....my OB would be out of town starting the 15th and would not be my surgeon for my c-section.
as she was talking, i was half listening because all that kept coming to mind was....
....REALLY GOD??? what the hell??? WHERE are YOU in ALL of THIS???
i asked if i could have 1 of the other 2 surgeons i knew (who were the top ones in the practice) and she said she would have to check. she told me that i would have to be seen in the office tomorrow and Friday; my normal 2x/week monitoring for my non-stress tests (all because i have gestational diabetes). she ended with how sorry she was about our plan being disrupted and then i started once again telling her my fears about going longer than tomorrow.
that's where i need to interject and give you all the back story.
with kennedy, i saw the high-risk doctor in the practice and he made my pregnancy with her seem effortless. i didn't even feel like i was "high risk." he just had a calmness about him. we'll call him dr. x. all the fears we had of going through pregnancy again were put aside because of his character and confidence. by the grace of God, even though i went into labor with kennedy 1 week+1 day before my scheduled c-section, it was dr. x who was on call and delivered (on easter day, no less!). it was him who called ken over to take a picture of the cord knot while kennedy was being cleaned telling us how rare they are (and how dangerous they can be). it was him who while i'm cut wide open said in a calm yet concerned voice to me, "your uterus is very, very thin." i remember asking him what that meant and he said he would be making a repair because it was like "saran wrap."
fast forward to pregnancy with 'lil bean. i booked my first "i'm preggo-let's confirm it" appointment and when asked who i usually saw i told the woman scheduling the appointment i had to see dr. x due to my high-risk history.
"well, he's retiring in june."
WHAT???
i was completely sad but resolved to see him until he flew the coop.
my very FIRST appointment with him when i was 9 weeks pregnant, he told me (and documented in my chart) that i needed to deliver at 36 weeks because of the thin uterine segment and window present at kennedy's delivery. he also said that since he would be retiring i would need to see the MFM specialist occasionally during the pregnancy.
my last appointment with him was around 20 weeks. i asked him who should deliver me and he gave me two names (the top 2 surgeons in the practice). i asked him about a third doctor and he said it was fine for me to see her but that one of those two doctors should do my surgery.
i started seeing the OB i wanted to with plans to somehow have one of the two he recommended deliver me. at the same time i saw the MFM at 20 weeks and it didn't really go that well. he first told me he wouldn't consider anything before 39 weeks.
but the documention...the recommendation....from dr x???
i ran into the objection of delivering at 36 weeks with every. single. doctor, specialist, nurse, dog, and cat around here. i even went to the director of the MFM department at johns hopkins (can you get a more knowledgable opinion from such a stellar hospital?) and the overall consensus was not a day before 37 weeks. (in fact the hopkins MFM said nothing sooner than 39 weeks!)
we pressed every button and challenged every person in every way we could. the bottom line is that no one was listening to the recommendation of the only man who was elbow-deep in my uterus at delivery.
finally i stopped fighting them all and just accepted the 37 week+3 days delivery. i had a scheduled c-section for oct 11 with the doctor who i very much liked and the assistant surgeon, one of the top ones in the practice that dr. x had recommended. i couldn't have planned it better.
and so, that's where we are. now you all know the back story.
when i hung up with my OB today i teared up a little but then said to ken and my mom, ok, let's do the pictures and deal with this later. total, classic, denial.
DENIAL!
we piled out of the car and i'm pretty sure we never got a shot of kennedy ever looking at the camera. we got a lot of her crying and whining though. a perfect maternity session all-around. :) after about 45 minutes i gave up and suggested we drive over to the park.
when we got there, my sister called because she received my text about not delivering as planned. i answered and never should have. she said something that probably shouldn't have upset me the way it did and all of my frustration, anger, sadness, confusion, and fear dumped ALL.OVER.HER.
i'm ashamed to admit that as of writing this post, i've yet to apologize to her.
so by now, you've figured out that i'm a planner. and i can tell you that my type-A-EXTREME- planning-self pretty much wishes this verse was left out of the bible:
"Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.” Proverbs 19:20-21 NIV
my mom had loosely quoted this verse to me earlier when we were both stressing about not delivering tomorrow. in writing this post, i couldn't remember the exact verse so i opened up http://www.biblegateway.com/ to see if i could find the verse by keyword search.
ya'll....FOR REAL...the next thing...REALLY happened!!!
i opened the webpage and FRONT AND CENTER was the verse of the day:
Verse of the Day
“Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise. Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.” Proverbs 19:20-21 NIV
ok God, i've spent the last 7 hours stressing, worrying, panicking, freaking out, etc and you give me this? THIS????
of course!
i've made these plans of exactly how 'lil bean would come into the world. along with my OB, i have made the plans. and although i don't understand all of the reasons right now, i relinquish control. God has the plan. HIS plan has a SPECIFIC purpose. it's just not the plan i thought was best. this plan, with all of it's ambiguity right now, completely scares me.
but if you truly give up and give it over to God, what is left to do or say, except...amen?
a few things have given me comfort tonight:
1) my mom recalling this verse about our plans v. God's plans.
2) God deciding it needed to be the verse of the day on www.biblegateway.com. ummm...yeah, that was pretty cool.
3) my husband pointing out that as much as we like him, maybe, just maybe, dr. x was wrong. we've consulted 20+ doctors/specialists on this and none have agreed with him
4) a friend from high school reminding me on facebook that God has held me in His hands through so much in the last few years and He will continue to hold me this next week too.
please continue to pray for me and my family, but mostly for the health of our sweet 'lil bean.
we put so much stock into dr. x's recommendation because a) he was there, elbow deep, like i said before, and b) he made us feel so confident and secure in our pregnancy with kennedy. if i could just hear him say, "maybe i was wrong about 36 weeks; it's ok to wait a little longer. i don't think your uterus will rupture," i could sleep restfully at night! please pray i don't turn stalker, somehow find his home address, and show up on his doorstep to ask him this. i don't really want to go to jail before i deliver 'lil bean.
obviously i'm kidding about the last part. sort of.
ok God, i've spent the last 7 hours stressing, worrying, panicking, freaking out, etc and you give me this? THIS????
of course!
i've made these plans of exactly how 'lil bean would come into the world. along with my OB, i have made the plans. and although i don't understand all of the reasons right now, i relinquish control. God has the plan. HIS plan has a SPECIFIC purpose. it's just not the plan i thought was best. this plan, with all of it's ambiguity right now, completely scares me.
but if you truly give up and give it over to God, what is left to do or say, except...amen?
a few things have given me comfort tonight:
1) my mom recalling this verse about our plans v. God's plans.
2) God deciding it needed to be the verse of the day on www.biblegateway.com. ummm...yeah, that was pretty cool.
3) my husband pointing out that as much as we like him, maybe, just maybe, dr. x was wrong. we've consulted 20+ doctors/specialists on this and none have agreed with him
4) a friend from high school reminding me on facebook that God has held me in His hands through so much in the last few years and He will continue to hold me this next week too.
please continue to pray for me and my family, but mostly for the health of our sweet 'lil bean.
we put so much stock into dr. x's recommendation because a) he was there, elbow deep, like i said before, and b) he made us feel so confident and secure in our pregnancy with kennedy. if i could just hear him say, "maybe i was wrong about 36 weeks; it's ok to wait a little longer. i don't think your uterus will rupture," i could sleep restfully at night! please pray i don't turn stalker, somehow find his home address, and show up on his doorstep to ask him this. i don't really want to go to jail before i deliver 'lil bean.
obviously i'm kidding about the last part. sort of.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
we will never forget!
today we remember 9/11...ten years later. i can't believe it's been 10 years. i remember exactly where i was that day. i was living and working in chicago and i was running late to work. i took a cab instead of the bus and when i arrived to the office, no one was there. our gym was accessible through internal stairs near my office and finally i heard people talking. i went up to the gym and found everyone standing around the treadmills watching the TVs. then someone told me..."a plane crashed into the world trade center."
with my own eyes, i then watched the 2nd plane hit. before the first tower fell, we were evacuated from our building (only 4 blocks from the Sears tower) and we ran to the parking garage where my boss was parked. along the way, we saw tons of people running north towards the river. as we ran i remember the feeling of panic that came over me. i wasn't sure about having my boss drive me home since i lived in a 20-story apartment building on lake shore drive, but after awhile i decided it was ok to be there. i got home and watched in horror replays of the towers falling and the crashes in PA and the pentagon. i watched the TV the entire day as the story unfolded and news reports flooded in. i spoke to several friends and we all couldn't believe our country had been attacked. the day before 9/11 i had just returned from a trip to dallas to attend a friend's wedding and suddenly i was afraid to fly. it was only a few weeks later i had to go to NYC for work. i remember staying wide awake the whole trip watching everything, when normally i would have snoozed for the early morning flight. i will also never forget the smoldering ash still in the air when we flew over manhattan to land at laguardia.
i worked in nyc from august 2002-august 2003 at 4 world financial center. every single day i walked by the world trade center site. and every single day i walked by it, i felt the vast loss of life and destruction. i was there for the first 9/11 memorial and i will never forget the tears my coworkes choked back when faced with memories from that day.
9/11 changed everything in this country. fear replaced comfortable. anger replaced contentment. but heroes joined the ranks of our military to rid the world of tyranny and terrorism and thousands have proudly served and sacrificed since. i think about the many lives that have been lost in this war. in particular our friend matt who died in a training exercise when his jet collided with another over the pacific ocean. if that accident had not happened, matt would have deployed to the war zone just a few months later. i am humbled the men and women of the armed services willingly go into harm's way to carve out a path of freedom for me, my children, and this country. because they serve, we stay safe.
in just about 7 weeks my husband will join the ranks of those who are serving and have served in operation enduring freedom for a 1-year deployment to afghanistan. we will miss him terribly but we are proud he has an opportunity to serve his country in this capacity. 10 years later this war is still going on and many people have an opinion about that. i will not interject my thoughts on the subject and debate it here. my husband has been called to serve and he will do so with honor, commitment and sacrifice. for that, we are proud.
may all those heroes of 9/11 always be remembered. WE WILL NEVER FORGET! i am grateful to all of those who have served in military and civil service since. may God bless you here on earth and those angels now in heaven.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
visiting...and being visited
today i had one of those days. and i mean it was a helluva morning. by 10:30 i was ready to crawl back into bed and start over.
i won't go on and on about all of the things that went wrong or not exactly my way (at least right now; maybe another post a little later)...but instead i thought i would share some fun pics. two weeks ago, kennedy and i went to raleigh, picked up joni, jack and liam and headed down to south carolina to visit angie, ben, andy and m.e. so fun to have a mini reunion. :)
a few days later my dad and step mom came to visit and we had a great time! grandpa was pretty taken with the sweet girl, and as he pulled away after a week of playing, she cried and cried. i think she's looking forward to more play time when we move there in 3 months.
i won't go on and on about all of the things that went wrong or not exactly my way (at least right now; maybe another post a little later)...but instead i thought i would share some fun pics. two weeks ago, kennedy and i went to raleigh, picked up joni, jack and liam and headed down to south carolina to visit angie, ben, andy and m.e. so fun to have a mini reunion. :)
a few days later my dad and step mom came to visit and we had a great time! grandpa was pretty taken with the sweet girl, and as he pulled away after a week of playing, she cried and cried. i think she's looking forward to more play time when we move there in 3 months.
enjoy!
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